Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Presidential Memo: From President Bush to whoever is in charge of Iraq these days

To Whom It May Concern:

I bet this is you, Rummy, but I don’t want to say it outright, for the sake of what is called “Plausible Deniability.”

All right. We’ve got this election in Iraq coming on January 30. The problem, as I see it, is that most of the country is exploding. Exploding countries don’t have the best elections. I remember when I was running against Senator Atheist Tax-a-Lot Flip-Flopper (I’m talking about John Kerry, here. You might recall how that election turned out. I won. With a mandate.), I recall thinking, Well, I hope the country doesn’t explode, because that would be bad.

Bad and exploding is what we’ve got in Iraq these days. Also, there seem to be a lot of executions going on. The good news is that these terrorists are mostly executing Iraqis, and our constituency doesn’t give a rat’s ass for Iraqis. Unborn babies they’re nuts about, but you put a hole in some full-grown Iraqi cop’s head and they change the channels, which helps. The bad news is, it’s hard to go door-to-door campaigning when the other party’s shooting at you.

We’ve got Sunnis asking that we delay the elections (Sounds like they should change their name to “later-is.” Get it?) until after we put out some of the fires in that famous “Triangle of Death” north of Baghdad. (Note to the Iraqi minister of tourism: maybe they should change that name) We’ve got Shiites (I’ve got a great joke about their name too, but save it for later) saying you can’t delay democracy, and the CIA’s saying we’re going to have a civil war either way. Good thing no one listens to them anymore.

So here’s what we’re going to do: Remember when we put Allawi in power? All those liberal media were saying there would be a bloodbath, because a prime minister appointed by a foreign occupier would be somehow illegitimate? What did we do? We appointed him a day early. No one knew what to do. It was a triumph, even if we had to celebrate in an isolated hotel room, in the dark. So what we do is, we hold the Iraqi election early, on January 29.

Now, you’re probably saying, Wait a minute, W, how are people going to vote if they don’t know the election day? Well, how are they supposed to vote on the 30th? The country’s at war. Still, someone’s got to vote, or no one wins, right? That’s what Karl tells me the usual deal is, anyway.

But we’ve overlooked something in Iraq. Everyone’s talking about the Shiites and the Sunnis and the Kurds, whatever they are, but no one’s talking about the largely untapped fundamentalist Christian vote in Iraq.

Now, I know something about this. If we were to send volunteers (Is Estonia still in the coalition of the willing? We could send some of them.) out to the suburbs and the exurbs where they live, and let those people know the election’s going to be early, we get out the vote and presto! A fundamental Christian Democratic Iraq is born! It’s democratic, and religion will be part of the constitution, which the Iraqis want anyway, so everyone will be happy!

Get to it, o whoever’s running Iraq these days. Now I’ve got to figure out how to save Social Security. I’m going to be using what John Snow refers to as a Pyramid System. Good luck to me!

--Dan Kilian
This is being posted as a document reclamation project. Don't worry, George W. Bush is no longer President.
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