Friday, February 26, 2010

Geographical Points of Interest

Which city is increasing by 100% every year? Dublin

Which city boasts the biggest feet per capita? Tripoli

What country outlaws casual Fridays? Thailand

In what country is everyone slightly tone-deaf? Tunisia

Where to all the sub-billed actors go for a vacation? Costa Rica

Where do they really wonder about the authenticity of your skin tone? Istanbul

What city has too many keyboard solos? Prague

What city refuses you again? Reno

Where will you lose your ennui? Saigon

What country has melancholy newspapers? Cyprus

What country actually exists? Israel

What city does the conservative Supreme Court judge go on a bender in? Sausalito

And where's the after-party? Zanzibar

In what city are gentlemen often indicted? Syracuse

Where won't they accept any kind of cash? The Czech Republic

What country is over-run by insects? France

In what country is it forbidden to where short pants in public AND long pants inside? Indonesia

Where are they really possessive about their cattle? Macau

And what country am I currently in litigation with? Sudan

--Dan Kilian

Demon Brand Choco-Mallows

Humanizing Death From Above by MQ1-178

Thursday, February 25, 2010

More Healthcare Summit

So I've listened to this summit all day, and while I don't really think I've learned anything, I found it oddly fascinating. Is anything not oddly fascinating that's fascinating? Is anything ever routinely fascinating?

For the most part it's been grown-ups talking about grown-up things, with Obama the most grown-up of the grown-ups. Obama being grown-up isn't new, but there are some players who are on their best behavior. Maybe they should do this more often. When people act up with B.S. he shoots them down, the way he did in that meeting with the Republicans a couple weeks back.

Of course, none of this will amount to anything. As policy, it's illuminating how much mutuality actually exists, and how many Republican ideas have already been appropriated. As "theater" it's a debate, and Obama's winning. The Republicans have the dislike of the public for the plan, some valid concerns, perhaps, and a bunch of lies.

I think it's a shame the public probably won't see this, as unproductive as it would probably be, because it's a better forum for this issue, one which dampens all the craziness and misinformation. They'll see some clips, and Obama will come off well. But it's nice to see the Republicans actually acting civil. It creates the illusion of functional government.

Now let's see if O can keep his party together and create the reality.

--Dan Kilian

You Can Fool Summit The People Summit The Time

Oblivial Day

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


I've got five songs in the upcoming Cabaret performance play by the unparalleled Raquel Cion titled "Cou-Cou Bijoux: Pour Vous" My part is a song cycle based on the five stages of grief, through the filter of a dying romance. Raquel is a mad semi-French (demi-French?) singer, or something. I haven't seen it yet. Let's all go see what it is!

Check it out!
In her new two-act cabaret chanteuse Cou-Cou Bijoux ignites the torch in song as she stops, drops and rolls into love and other misfortunes.

Written & Performed by Raquel Cion
Musical Direction by Brooks Hartell
Original Songs by Dan Kilian
Directed by Luke Harlan

Fri. & Sat., March 12th & 13th at 9 pm, $12, $10 (Students)

Dixon Place Lounge

161A Chrystie Street (b/w Rivington & Delancey)

Tickets: 212.219.0736 or go to

--Dan Kilian

A Nonsensational Speech On the Detainee Abuse Photos by Barack Obama

Six Song Selection: Radio Lives

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

You Can Fool Summit The People Summit The Time

This Thursday Obama and the Republicans have their much hyped Health Care Summit. Leery Republicans and embattled Democrats will put their ideas on the table, and pretend that any of them are actually better than what we should really do. Since everything is predetermined in Washington, we already know what’s going to happen. Here’s the transcript.

Stage Manager: Curtains up!

O: Welcome here Republicans! That sounds like a good idea! Let’s use it!

John Boehner: I’d like to say that we’re all really grateful for this invitation, and that we think it’s a trap.

Mitch McConnell: Blurg! Bluggity blug blug bluggy blugg blug blurrrrrg!

O: That sounds like a good idea! Let’s use it!

Boehner: We’re happy to add ideas to reforming healthcare. Our first idea is that you scrap reforming healthcare.

O: Now come on John. You’ve got to meet us halfway. We’ve tried to meet you halfway. This bill is a hobbled piece of crap already. We’re twisting ourselves into pretzels to keep the insurance companies happy. Why? Because we’re corrupt @*#holes, just like you. We really can work together.

Boehner: I’ll agree that we’re all corrupt, but if the country goes to hell, I get to move into the nicer offices, so we really can’t even meet you part-way.

O: Well, can we hear any Republican ideas that you might use for your kind of health care reform?

Boehner: Well, if we put a cap on how much people can sue an incompetent doctor for, it would save us millions of dollars. All we’d have to give up is recourse to the law. Tort reform!

McConnell: Tort! Tort!! Blurggity blurg!

O: That sounds like a good idea! Let’s use it! Anything else?

Boehner: It’d be good for people to be able to buy insurance across state lines.

O: That sounds like a good idea! Let’s use it!

Rahm Emanuel: Wait a @#%* *%#@ minute! Don’t we already do that with our bill?

O: No! That’s a totally new Republican idea! And we’re going to use it!

Boehner: Also, instead of the government subsidizing low income people’s insurance, can we just give them vouchers or coupons or something?

O: Well this has been a lovely bipartisan exchange of ideas! I think we’ve done it! Let’s go pass healthcare.

Harry Reid: If you guys have really come up with a bipartisan Healthcare plan, I’ve got one that will take care of the whole thing for fifteen billion dollars. I’ve really set my expectations pretty low. I’m going to be a commentator on MSNBC next year. Isn’t that right Nancy?

Nancy Pelosi: Please don’t touch me, Mr. Reid.

Boehner: What are you talking about! You can’t just appropriate a couple small ideas and call that bipartisanship!

O: The hell I can’t! That’s my new slogan. Yes, the hell I can’t! Thanks for those wonderful ideas. Now let’s go pass this thing, reconciliation style.

Emanuel: All *@%#-ing right!

McConnell: Blurrrrrg!

Reid: Yes, let’s do it! I wonder if we have the votes!

Nancy Pelosi: We can pass it in the House, as long as you promise to change all the bad parts later!

Boehner: Curses! It was a trap!

Stage Manager: Okay! That’s a wrap! Strike the set!

--Dan Kilian

The Lawnmower Party

Olde Tales of The Sea

Monday, February 22, 2010


Who, when doubled

Answers this riddle with a puzzle?


If this game your mind outfoxes

It's best to think inside the boxes


The numbers all add up the best

When you can see where East meets West

--Dan Kilian

If you need to know the answer, comment or e-mail us.


The Lawnmower Party

Friday, February 19, 2010

Last Thought

Editor's note: Our brother Steve is off to Argentina, which prompts this happy travels message from The Mysterious J. Who or what is J to K?

He should never have worn that stupid  Che Guevara beret he had acquired in Cuba.  He had thought it would disassociate him from a century of Yankee imperialism, make him more "of the people," whatever that shit meant.  He hadn't really thought at all.  Stupid, stupid, stupid.

The paramilitary aimed his pistol at that stupid bearded face planted so conveniently on his forehead.  He just stared, like a deer in headlights, waiting for some clever idea to come to him.

"Say hello to your FARC buddies in hell!" the man spat at him.  His English was surprisingly good.  Then came the flash.

Loss of consciousness, loss of being, loss of life, should have been instantaneous, he thought as he pitched forward.  Close enough - the reprieve was just a couple of seconds.  Strange - no pain.  Through his fading vision, he saw the blood and brain gush out, spiraling from his brain-case like water draining from a bathtub.

"Counterclockwise!"  Then nothing.

Have a great vacation!

--The Mysterious J

Inconsistencies in the New Star Trek Movie

The Billion Dollar Omelet Part III

Baby Why You're Eyes So Wild?

Here the song here: 02 Baby Why Your Eyes So Wild-

E          /           Am      /           F          /           E INTRO

Am      /           F          /           C         /           Dm

E          /           Am      /           F          /           E VERSE

Little lover,

Am      /           F          /           C         /           Dm

Why you hiding under covers?

E          /           Am      /           F          /           E

Lover child

Am      /           F          /           C         /           Dm

Why your eyes so wild?

E          /           Am      /           F          /           E

Were you scared?

Am      /           F          /           C         /           Dm

Somebody hurt you back there?

E          /           Am      /           F          /           E

I'm right here

Am      /           F          /           C         /

Baby why you act so weird? Well

Dm                                   Am                                                 3X CHORUS 

Baby why your eyes so wild?

G    F#   F

Tell me why?


Did some bad dream Make you wake up screaming?

Some ancient memory, Snake into your apple tree?


E          /           F          /           E          / INSTRUMENTAL

E          G         A                     A                     A


Song by Dan Kilian

Performed by The Ks

A Classic Joke and A Classic Comedy Routine Meet, With Unsatisfactory Results

Hollywood Harvest

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Recording update

We are dealing with pernicious scheduling problems, trying to get everyone into the room at the same time for back-up vocals. Held off on having Jon lay down too much BU vox the other night, because it's better if Soup's there too, so we laid down some organ and redid a sax part. It's real Steely Dan type perfection going on here. Will this be our Goucho?

Of course I listen back to a couple songs and still want to redo some of the lead vocals. All the while the bill collector is at our door. Problems problems, we'll sort them out. It's the revolution of rising expectations. I really feel this record will actually do something for our career, as if a record could still do that in this day and age, and at this day and age.

Thinking about spinning off the actual band related posts into yet another blog. So many things to do, so few things done. I've left so many things undone. So many things I made a mess of every one. There, now it's poetry.

--Dan Kilian

Celebrity Farts

Five Song Playlist: Twenty Pounds of Gay

Monday, February 15, 2010

Unbelievable Presi-Factuals

In honor of President’s day, here are some fantastic Presidential factoids I’ll bet you didn’t know!

George Washington was famous for having wooden teeth, but he was one of four Presidents with wooden dentures.  James Monroe, William Henry Harrison and Richard Nixon all had wooden false teeth, though Nixon had his teeth pulled to give his face a more natural look, and insisted on using his great-grandfather’s dentures, which had been passed down for generations.

Rutherford B. Hayes was such the glad-handing politician that his name became synonymous with a warm, phony greeting.  Thomas Nast’s diary recounted of one of the pols of his day “He did enter the room and made his Hayes to all in the room,” in a frequent use of this turn of phrase. Soon the singularized “haye” became another form of hello, going through various spellings until it became the modern “hey!” The expression “Hay is for horses,” shares a similar origin, starting with rumors started by Democratic leaning journalists that Hayes engaged in bestiality.

In his post-presidency, Teddy Roosevelt was giving a lecture in Georgia when an angry Cherokee Indian threw an axe, which lodged itself in the former President’s skull. Deeming the wound to be non-fatal, Roosevelt continued his two-hour lecture with blood streaming down his face. The axe proved too deeply imbedded in Teddy’s head, and could not be removed. Roosevelt spent the remaining three years of his life with an axe-head jutting from his forehead.

Thomas Jefferson devoted much of his retirement pursuing the invention of a time machine using the latest in electrical knowledge.  His “Time Reconfiguration Booth” managed to make small animals disappear, and Jefferson speculated that they were traveling backwards in time. Jefferson was encouraged to build a man-sized version of his prototype, but became distracted with the idea of a swivel chair. Physicists who studied his failed invention agree that with some tinkering, it could have been a pretty effective proton laser, a weapon that would have propelled The United States into the cutting edge of weaponry a century earlier than it did.

While he ran several times and was a major politician of his day, Millard Filmore was never actually President of the United States. The persistent misconception that he was President was started by pro-Filmore biographers and persists to this day, much to the chagrin of history teachers and is the bane of many lazy researchers.

Most people think George W. Bush was the biggest asshole to ever con the American people into making him their leader, but it turns out James K. Polk was an even bigger turd of a man.

Happy President’s Day!

--Dan Kilian

Little Known Facts about Lincoln

Birthday Cake Balloon

Thursday, February 11, 2010


The blizzard's scales are crusted with ice which cracks and falls to the ground as it prowls the streets.  It is an ancient creature, with flanks that long ago faded from green to yellow to white.  It tastes the frigid air with a dry and rough tongue covered in polyps the size of a grown man's finger.  Its eyes are pale, grey, and unblinking.  The asphalt is scarred by its hooked claws.

Men approach it with torches and spears.  The leader gathers his courage and hurls his weapon.  The shaft clatters off of the blizzard's armored hide.  It considers the men for a moment, tilting its head to one side.  Then it breathes an avalanche of frost over them, killing them all.

Birds alight on its back from time to time.  When they try to fly away they find their feet have frozen in place.  Still it prowls.

--Steve Kilian

The Last Reality Show

The Billion Dollar Omelet Part II

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Snow. The crystal perfection knitted into manna, the sound softening blanket and the immediate corruption. The slush. The piles. The snowdrifts. Up to your thigh! Up to your eye! Over our heads in an afghan avalanche. The snows of Kilimanjaro. Every time it snows some credulous fool stops believing in global warming, but the caps are still melting, people. We have the technology to monitor these things. There are men in the House and Senate who know damn well the earth is getting hotter but they pander to the ignorant because they want to keep riding around in limousines. Every time they deny the rising temperatures it gets a little hotter in hell.

Meanwhile it’s snowing. A little fluff on the rails and the whole city grinds to a halt. Kids should have snow days every day, much nicer on the trains. Let them sleep in and go when their biological clocks say go, then we can see less of them, the spoiled monsters.

I wonder if I’m going to get to go home early. I wonder if I’m going to be snowed in. I’m so damned sleepy I could wrap myself up in a blanket of snow and sleep for a thousand years. When they thawed me out I was a caveman living in a technological wonderland, the last civilized being living in a scorched desert planet, overrun by savages.

Pretty pretty snow.

--Dan Kilian

Dialogue: Ford’s Ghost and Obama

Last Trip To the Well

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Morblivious: The K Word

Morblivious: 1. The state of disappointment you feel when you announce that someone famous has died, only to find that everyone already knows.

2. Any inappropriate state (be it relief, amusement, disregard or anything that isn't proper social mourning) one might feel at learning of another's death.

--Dan Kilian

New York Times Op-Ed By Bono

New Stoner Day

Monday, February 8, 2010

True of False

It’s all false. Disney alums working their choreography and belting their lungs out through Autotune over someone else’s beat. The heavy metal bands might as well be playing jazz scales, their perfected rumblings as rebellious as a glass of chocolate milk, a heavy sludge manufactured angst. Punk rock is on Broadway. Dance music screams emptiness (why don’t they ever sample metal?) while freak folk agitates for the bathtub. The indie kids have gone so twee she envisions a string of tour dates cancelled due to nosebleeds. Rap’s a commercial for something she doesn’t want to buy, a bunch of neo-Toms trying to be street for a bunch of white eleven year old boys.

She gets what she can, from random sources. A mix, a commercial, a soundtrack, someone she heard on the street, the library. It’s all swirling in the mix.

At the thrift store she saw The Ks Can’t Get It Together sitting in with a bunch of CDs for $1.99. “I’m an old man’s fantasy,” she thought, and shoplifted it.

“I swear you’ll like it” I promise.


“Because it’s about the songs, but it’s not too tired, too sweet or too cynical to rock.”

“It sounds like an old punk band.”

“It does now. It changes. We mix it up.”

“It sounds old fashioned.”

“You’re starting to like old stuff now. I saw Leon Redbone on your iPod.”

“I don’t even know who he is, or how he got there. He’s false.”

“Maybe, but he’s fun. Check this stuff out.”

“I don’t think so. I think you’re false.”

“I think you’re fictional.”

“Fuck off.”

“Look, just give it a listen. These are worthwhile songs. I might be ‘false’ but these songs aren’t. I really believe in them.”

“Well I don’t know if that’s what I’m looking for.”

“Just listen to them, or I’ll just write it that you did.”


So she listened to the album, and she actually liked it. She liked the songs, and when she gets depressed about how false and fictional it all is, she can still hum one of the songs. I’m not really sure what else she’s listening to, but I made sure she got into The Beatles, and some Micachu and the Shapes. I mean, it can’t all be oldie oldie stuff. She’s a kid. She’s a figment. But she’s got some fire, and she’s got some good songs, hook or crook.

Together we navigated an ad for The Ks record. I wish it could have been more real. I hope it gets more real.

--Dan Kilian

The Facts About Modern Day Pirates

The Billion Dollar Omelet

Friday, February 5, 2010

Why I Look at Girls on the Train: Lyrics, Chords, mp3

You can hear the song here: Why_I_Look_at_Girls_on_the_Train

Am                     C                              Am                              F

Perhaps this face will be my lover’s  A flash of light will strike me down

C                                 F                                              Am          F

Where you been hiding? Ooh you’re so clever. Been looking for you all over town

G#                                           C         F

Am I looking too hard?   Maybe I’m looking too hard

E         G         C         D#

But what if I find the face?

F              G#               C         Bb

What if I find the face of my true love?

F              G#               C         D#

What if I find the face of my true love?

E         G         C

What if I see your face?

Am                     C                              Am                              F

How could I not? I’ve got to know If you’re even out there, and you feel the same

C                                 F                                              Am          F

How will I tell? Will it really show? And if I know, will I have the courage to stake                                                                                                                       my claim?

G#                                           C         F

Am I trying too hard?             Maybe I’m trying too hard

E         G         C         D#

But what if I find the face?

F              G#               C         Bb

What if I find the face of my true love?

F              G#               C         D#

What if I find the face of my true love?

E         G         C

What if I see your face?

F                                  G#

Lot of people in this world    Can’t meet everyone

C                                   F

But what if there’s only one?            You my only one?


E         G         C         D#

F              G#               C         Bb

F              G#               C         D#

E         G         C

F              G#               C         D#

What if I find the face of my true love?

F              G#               C         Bb

What if I find the face of my true love?

F              G#               C         D#

What if I find the face of my true love?

F              G#               C         Bb

What if I find the face of my true love?

E         G         C

What if I see your face?

--Dan Kilian

--Song performed by The Ks
James Bond’s Bad Day

The Magic Banjo

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Rocket Men

Editor’s note: This story about a man who blew himself up at a party with an improvised rocket was recently brought to our attention, and it reminded Steve of a dream…

Coincidentally, I had a dream last night that a group of astronauts-in-training (rocket men, so to speak) where hanging out in Mom's back yard.  They had somehow helped my wife, Nancy, maybe even saved her life, so I was grateful to them and we were giving them food and drink.  They began building a dam out of dirt and leaves and this caused flooding into the next door neighbor’s yard.  There was still plenty of water in our yard as well, and all sorts of latent aquatic life started blooming out of the soil, including a tadpole that had already sprung one leg and stubby little arms.

This was cause for celebration, so I broke out some of my brother John’s home-made fireworks.  One was just a jar of gunpowder with a wick punched through the screw-on lid.  The other was a rectangular metal can of butane (for filling fancy lighters) which was labeled "Rossignol."  The can had been emptied out and filled with gunpowder, match-heads, etc. – much like the Michigan guy's home-made rocket.

I took the thing out to where the astronauts were and lit the wick.  There must have been some fluid left in the can that had saturated the wick, because the end of the wick immediately popped like a firecracker, scaring me.  I ran to hide behind the big tree next to the deck, and everyone starting mocking me.  What was left of the wick was burning normally, and it looked like it had about 30 seconds to go.  The astronauts, being cocky military types, were clowning around, standing right next to it, laughing at my cowardice.

The thing detonated, sending fragments of metal all over the rear yard.  The concussion was deafening.  John took some metal splinters to the face and his arm, which protected his eyes – not too bad.  There was a red mist of blood and fat in the air.  One of the astronauts had lost all the skin and muscle on his forearm, leaving his hand intact.  He was in shock, making motions in the air like he was folding laundry.

"Guess he won't be going to the Moon," I said, and woke up.

--Steve Kilian


Steve’s Video and Pat’s Video

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Going Around The Corner

He tried to go around the corner but the King wouldn’t talk to the deuce, pawn takes Queen, he had a three high straight but he didn’t have enough money to cover the bet so he went around the corner but someone had robbed the ATM. He tried to solve the mystery. He wrapped the letters around and he realized it was his good friend MAT. He wrapped the letters around and he realized it wasn’t an ATM it was a POST office box. He wrapped the letters around again and realized that it wasn’t a POST office box it was a STOP sign. Someone had robbed a stop sign. He wondered how that could physically happen, what the stop sign had to be stolen and he looked around and he saw that anarchy had broken out. He went around the corner and there was little Jack Horner why had someone sung that song? Someone had surely done something wrong and it’s all an allegory for British corruption, but the rhyme outlived the story so it’s just something for kids to wrap their minds around in meaningless pleasure of parallel sounds. We hope you enjoy our little rhymes tonight, which may have already outlived their meaning. For all I know I’m rhyming one line with a word in the middle of the verse. For all I know this is all an illusion, and there is no large crowd cheering me on I’m just a madman in a karaoke bar playing ROCK BAND or I might not even be singing I might be a madman holding up a stop sign to cover his gambling debts. He came back around the corner and threw his wad of cash on the table called with his Queen King Ace (OF CLUBS!) 2 3 and he won but they shot him in the head.

--Dan Kilian

Editor's Note: This was the program from our kick ass show last Saturday at The Ace of Clubs. Who are we? The Ks!

Michael J. Fox’s Bad Day

Death To Everyone

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Dispatch from Gobbler's Knob

Well-furred, healed, made whole by my handlers, I lurch forth on all fours.  Lights flash, candles to the bonfire above.  The crowd settles a bit, not quite to a hush, not respecting me.

Did they think that I'd forget my treatment?

Did they think that I'd forget the sweet copper taste of their flesh?

Did they think for a moment that we wouldn't burrow beneath their skyscrapers and tunnels, under pilings and vaults, around electrical feeders and gas mains?

Soon we will feed.  Soon it will spread across the city, across the country, across the continent.  The shadow will blanket the globe.

--Steve Kilian

Staten Island Chuck

Michael J. Fox’s Bad Day

Monday, February 1, 2010

Live Blogging The Grumpies

Editor’s note: This isn’t really live. It’s Monday. But for that vibrant visceral feel of immediacy, we’re writing in sparkling new PRESENT TENSE!

Great bath. Missed the intro. Evidently Lady Gaga and Elton John got all dirty but I am clean.

Actually maybe the bath was too long. Sometimes that makes me really thirsty.

Drinking ginger ale.

Punk rock always sounds better song by a bombastic Broadway choir. Who wants to be an American Idiot?

Beyonce has her own military. Lady can sing and dance, if not simultaneously. Nice recording.

Don’t feel like cooking. Bath really took something out of me.

Pink awkwardly disrobes and spins in a hammock above the crowd. Now she’s dipped in a bath, and spraying the audience with her moisture. Is anyone going to sing live?

Lean hot pockets. Is there any lower type of food? Drinking milk.

Will. I. Am is costumed like a metal-dipped cowardly lion. With some martial wear as well. What’s it like to the two guys in the Black-Eyed Peas who aren’t Will.I.Am and Fergie?

Drinking orange juice.

Jamie Fox is all military too. Granted, it’s revolutionary war style, but what the hell? Making racist social connections in my head, paranoidly seeing a soul music endorsement of War-mode Obama. Who is worse, the militants or me? Definitely me.

Bunch of musical acts. The boring ones who just sing and don’t bring armies that explode. Or interesting songs either.

Bunch of stars almost manage, through sheer star-power and over-singing, to bring Michael Jackson’s mawkish ballad about the Earth up to the level of horrible.

Blind opera guy and Mary J.Blige almost manage, through sheer star-power and over-singing, to bring Simon and Garfunkle’s gorgeous ballad about troubled water down to the level of horrible.

Got to go to the bathroom.

Good to see Eminem, getting a little sick of Lil Wayne, and there’s that other guy who does something.

I guess the Grammy voters have a lot of twelve year old daughters. Que stale Kanye jokes. At least he makes an awards show interesting.

Got to go to the bathroom.

3:00 a.m. Got to go to the bathroom.

4:00 a.m. Got to go to the bathroom.

--Dan Kilian

2009 Grammys

Good vs Evil: A Dialogue