Friday, April 29, 2011

The Fire Blooms Where The Flower Burns

The fire blooms where the flower burns or does the flower burn where the fire blooms? Water runs but it cannot hide. That’s another thing that’s simply not true. Some things are simply not true, some things are simply true but complicated lies. Where does the truth lie? The devil lies in a bed of flames, but he doesn’t get much sleep. He dreams of heaven and he wakes up screaming.

Now it’s in vogue to preach that Hell isn’t a place, but that just uproots the fiery flower and lets it walk around on legs.

Every flower is a Venus Flytrap, only some plants are hunting bigger game. Hunt your game, but don’t play with your food.

Cook your own food. Choose your own poison. You’ll die smiling and spend less money on lunch.

You can bet your lunch money that a horse with no name won’t win the race. They never named the horses the horsemen of the Apocalypse ride in on, but they probably have names.

Remember that movie “The Thing?” The original? An alien vegetable man in the Arctic. Is there an alien vegetable man in the fire? He probably gets wilted pretty quick. Have to admit I thought speculating about alien fire vegetable men would take me to a more bad-ass place.

Rust and fire are just different speeds of oxidization. If you get in the middle lane on that highway, it’s just called breathing. End result is always the same.

Fire has a name. That name is Bernie.

Fire! I take your learn!

--Dan Kilian

The program to last Thursday's show. If you were there, thanks, Matt, Colleen and Sue.

Maureen Dowd Guest Column

The Putt Putt: World’s Best Mini Golf, Holes 1-9

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

+2 Arrow

The shaft of the arrow was perfectly ordinary. It was of good manufacture, to be sure -- straight, well-seasoned wood that was light and flexible, but nothing that a hundred other archers couldn't buy or make themselves.  It would not snap easily and was too dry to rot.  It had been rubbed with a bit of oil so it would stay that way.  There was a rough spot which looked like a splinter had been sanded away, but nothing that would harm the flight of the arrow.  But in all its workmanship was nothing above competent.

The fletching was similarly unremarkable.  Sound work, again, and good materials (hawk, reddish with white at the tips), but not anything that would raise an eyebrow.  There were some wealthy dilettantes who would take to the field with a quiver full of egret and peacock feathers -- this would be below their standard.  The nock was well-centered.

Instead it was the fork-bladed points that made the arrow special.  Three serrated blades etched with runes surrounded a central tine which accepted the shaft. The sharpened edges gleamed silver, fading to a pitted black in the flat of the blade.  The runes were a deeper black still, glossy with a resin that had been used to fill the strokes of the script.  The language was too old to translate, too arcane to understand.  It had not been spoken in ten thousand years.

It was a bit of a surprise then, to both arrow and archer, when I drew the feathers to my ear and spoke the name of the arrow in flawless Old Caturrian.  I then bade it seek, and loosed it toward the rider bearing the flag of parley.

So began the war of the Ninth Dynasty.

--Steve Kilian
His Retirement

District 9 District 9 District 9 District 9 District 9

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Letter To Liam Neeson

Dear Liam Neeson:

Did you get to keep that awesome axe you wielded in Krull?  Also, I think you should grow back your beard like it was in Krull.  What was your favorite movie to film?  Was it Krull?  Was it hard to have there be two suns in the outdoor scenes of Krull?

You are an excellent actor.  I would have been afraid of the cyclops.

Your Fan,

--Steve Kilian
Hard Case

The Friends of Greta

Monday, April 18, 2011

Screenplay For William Shatner and Christopher Walken Consisting Only of Pauses

[Intense pause]

[Odd pause]

[Intense pause]

[Weird pause]

[Angry pause]

[Long pause]

[Intense pause]

[Pause so weird and long people think you've just forgotten your next line, and are bluffing it out]

[Agonized, dying pause]

[Awkward pause]

[Long pause]

--Dan Kilian

Editor's note: Take THAT, McSweeney's!

Top Trek: A Pan Fiction!

Trippy and Groovy: 8 Song Playlist

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

New K Word: Chernobylesque

Chernobylesque: LikeChernobyl. It's all too clear why we need the word Chernobylesque, but maybe one day it'll be about someone's nasty temper.

--Dan Kilian


End of Conflict II: The Squid & Whale Tattoo

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

linKs 4/6/11

Here are some enjoyable little linKs

Star Wars VII: Yet Another New Hope

Zombie Octopus Island II

Baseball is BACK! So are Stevie and Hammy of

Obama Jokes

Lucky The Third Time: The Obama Doctrine

Mid East Roundup (or Round Down) Make your own suspicious looking links! Thanks Billy! Let Me Google That For You. For those people who are too important to look up a link. Thanks Nina!

You should follow us on Facebook HERE.

Or on Twitter HERE.

Monday, April 4, 2011

6 Things (or more?)

What are the 6 things different about the two pictures?

--Dan Kilian

Back to The Return To The Last Trip To The Well, Part Two

The Citadel: Undone

Friday, April 1, 2011

Star Wars VII: Yet Another New Hope

The Ewoks sang by the light of the glowing umbra of the flame cloud that used to be the Death Star. Chewbacca gave a groaning call of triumph. Han Solo, drink in hand, trademark impish grin on his face, danced over to Luke.

“You did it kid! You blew up the Death Star!”

“Well, I couldn’t have done it without The Force.”

“Well thank goodness for The Force! Now let’s go to the Emperor’s planet, and end The Empire once and for all!”

The next morning the party was over and the Rebel Forces embarked for the Imperial Planet. Luke felt a sense of misgiving.


“Is that you, Ben?”

Yes. I’m right over here.

Luke turned to see Ben Kenobi’s spirit, glowing in the hallows of the woods.

You have used The Force well, Luke. Now you must finish The Emperor off!

“Well, that’s what we’re looking to do right now! Wish me luck!”

Good luck. We’re all pulling for you!

The mission didn’t go well. The Emperor still had a vast army of Tie Fighters. Luke managed to single handedly destroy several battle cruisers, but the smaller ships overwhelmed the rag-tag Rebel squadron.

“They’re all around me!” screamed some random guy Luke had just met, before he exploded. They had to retreat back to Endor.

The Ewoks sang a cute but sad little dirge, as Luke wandered dispiritedly in the woods.


“Ben! You’ve got to help! We’re getting destroyed out there. We need more…more…more of the Force!”

Hey, it was The Force that destroyed those Battle Cruisers. At some point, you Rebels need to deliver on your own.

“But The Emperor has all those well trained Storm Troopers! Is there anything more you can do?”

Look, Luke. We’re already involved with two other star wars in the next galaxy over. We’re kind of over extended right now. This is starting to feel like The Clone Wars all over again.

“But Ben…”

Hey, the good news is, Darth Vader defected to the good side of The Force. So maybe the Emperor’s inner circle is crumbling?

“Can’t we get some more light sabers?”

No can do. There’s a little concern about the make-up of your forces. Those Ewoks have some pretty crazy religious beliefs…

"What about getting more Jedi warriors?”

No boots on the ground. Definitely not! Besides, Luke, I’ve been meaning to tell you…we’re turning this operation over to our allies. Maybe they can help you.

“Who are your allies?”

You’ll see…

Just then a ship landed on the airfield outside the Forest. Ben Kenobi winked out of sight, so Luke went to see this new arrival. What he saw was not encouraging. Gungans!

The Gungan ambassador stumbled off his exit ramp and then, seeing Luke waved and smiled.

“Herro! Meesa so hrappy to be back!”

--Dan Kilian

Mark Twain, Karl Marx, and Socrates: At It Again

Intro from last night’s show: Asphalt Planet