Friday, March 27, 2009

Top Trek: A Pan Fiction!

Kirk gazed in amazement at the rock being, its lumpy limbs smoking and glowing red hot as it gesticulated. He saw the disbelief in Lincoln and Surak’s faces. Kirk turned back to Spock who stared down at his tricorder.
What is it?

Just moments ago, it was simple rock. Now it is essentially the same. A being of living silica.

Greetings Captain Kirk, First Officer Spock. I see you have met your Earth President Lincoln and Surrack, the founder of modern Vulcan society.

But that’s impossible…

You are the best representations we could find in our sampling of what you would call ‘good’. Over here you see Genghis Khan, Zora of Tiburon, Kahless, father of the Klingon Empire, and Chef Stefan Richter. They are to represent what you would call “evil”.

But why?
My people are trying to conclude: Which, good or evil, is the better cook? Our first elimination is simple. Gather the meager ingredients that this barren planet has to offer, and prepare a four course meal for myself, Padma and our guest judges, Donatella Arpaia and Balok.

But we’re used to a computer that makes our food from pure energy. We know nothing of cooking!

It does not seem logical. And my records indicate that Chef Richter is a season five finalist from the Twenty-first century version of this show, before Bravo became a federation in its own right. It hardly seems fair.

You have twelve hours. And there is no Whole Foods on this Planet.

Captain Kirk, Spock, I don’t understand this any better than you. I was enjoying a perfectly good play, and now I’m here. But if this is how the game goes, I’m willing to lend my slender culinary skills to the cause. I can cut wood, start a fire, and I reckon I still remember how to skin a possum!

And I Surack, can prepare some of these bamboo tubers.

All right, we’ll play their game. Spock, break that tricorder open. I’m going to need its parts. I’ll harvest some coal from the mountain rocks and try to sleep with that rock thing’s exotic female co-host.
That night, Kirk and Kahless stood before the judge’s table. Zora was already celebrating her win, for Surak Stew, served Jamaican style.
Kahless, how did you feel your gagh worked as a dish?

I wanted to show you my version of Klingon cuisine. I thought it good.

Did you taste it?

No, there was no time.
It was under-seasoned.

It was bland!

Kirk, was it your idea to serve broken pieces of a tricorder as the second course?

I take full responsibility for the decision, and I stand by it.

It was inedible. If I were in a restaurant I’d send it back. I can't believe you're defending that dish!

I’m sorry you didn’t like it. I didn’t want to play it safe.

I appreciate that, but there’s bold and there’s bad food. However, the ghag was traditional Klingon food. Kahless, this should have been your comfort zone. If you can’t prepare serpent worms, there’s no way you could be Top Chef. Kahless, pack your D'k tahg and go home.
Hours later Kirk and Spock reminisced about their adventure with McCoy on the bridge of the Enterprise. McCoy arched his eyebrow.
So do you really think evil makes better food?

It seems the logical conclusion. Cooking involves a degree of cruelty to sentient and non-sentient life forms, and the Restaurant industry is inherently vicious.

You ever wait tables Spock? Or work in a kitchen?

No, but I can surmise that it would suck.
As laughter filled the bridge, amused flute music played.

--Dan Kilian

No comments:

Post a Comment