Friday, March 13, 2009

Advice for Obama

Mr. Obama, as your presidency slogs through the second half of its first one-hundred days, the clattering chatterers are full of buyer’s remorse, second guessing, and analytic shock. I’ve been skimming the opinionatti’s utterances, and I’m going to distill the advice you may have overlooked in the chaos of governing. Here’s what you’ve got to do:

Focus on the economy.

Don’t worry about Health Care, Education or the Environment. While you’re at it, let’s forget about the wars overseas and those prisoners in Guantanamo. For that matter, let’s stop inspecting beef. All those problems will still be there after you’ve spent all your political capital. Just hole up in the White House and hold endless meetings on fixing the economy. So what if there’s no physical way to know which banks are solvent for at least another month? Just keep holding those meetings and giving speeches that send one message: This crisis has taken over your presidency. Nothing would inspire more confidence. It worked for Carter, it worked for McCain, it’ll work for you. Suspend the presidency.

Be more positive.

While you’re bunkered down in the White House, suspending your presidency because of the crisis, let people know everything is all right. When GM’s auditors said the company might go bankrupt, you should have been all “That’s all right! We’ve still got at least one more car manufacturer! Everything’s great!” When jobless claims topped 8% you should have been all “Who doesn’t love a long vacation? More time to shop! Things are looking up! It’s morning in America!” This kind of happy talk would buoy your credibility with the American people, and people would forget their problems and nothing bad would ever happen again. That would be a great speech in fact. The Obama “Nothing Bad Is Ever Going to Happen Again,” speech would be one for the history books.

Listen to Wall Street.

Rick Santelli, Charlie Gasparino and other disinterested Wall Street analysts know that stocks went down in 2009 as a result of Obama policies: plans to give judges leeway to renegotiate mortgages and higher taxes for the wealthy down the road. Never mind the bad news from…everywhere. Wall Street’s tanking because of you, Obama. Everyone knows that the only way to economic sure-footedness is to allow a lot of people to lose their homes. Also, we need the reassurance of having debt as far as the eye can see. Clearly you’ve been listening to these guys a little, because Wall Street seems to approve of your policies for the last three days, but if it tanks today or Monday, you’ve got to shift again.

Be the Obama of the Campaign.

We need solutions, and specifics, and fast. Also, they should be vacuous and uplifting. We want crazy promises, not an attempt to deliver on them. Why don’t you talk about how the government is doing a terrible job, and how you’ll be different? Don’t govern, win. We want “Change,” not change.

Double the stimulus, and tighten your belt.

There’s no way that stimulus bill was enough. If you compare it to the military spending that finally got us out of The Great Depression, adjusted for inflation, it’s no great shakes. However, those earmarks in the last budget have got to go.

Invade Poland.

Let’s face it, Germany and Russia got out of the Great Depression a lot faster than the U.S. We can’t do anything the commies did, which leaves the Nazis. Now most of what Hitler did was morally reprehensible, so we can’t emulate most of his domestic policies, but the U.S. has never had a big problem with going to war. Why do you think Bush opened a second front in the Middle East? Because it made strategic military sense? No, it was an attempt to recreate the economic miracle of 1940’s Germany. Now we’ve got a lot of American expats living in Danzig, and they’re being discriminated against, so let’s bring that port back to the homeland. At least you’ve got to assume there must be some Americans there, and if there are, they must be getting some kind of flak. I mean, we’re always starting wars and such, and Europeans hate that. So let’s invade!

There you have it Mr. President. Words to rule by. Remember, the American people think you’re doing a great job; we just want you to change everything.

--Dan Kilian
------------------------------------------------ The New Depression
------------------------------------------------ Economic Hope

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