a man to fish and you bring him into the glorious human army doing
battle with that ancient watery enemy, the Bathyphasm, foul spirit who
is made manifest in all aquatic
creatures, be they finned or not, swimming freely in the open waters or
burrowing in the seabed, weak-minded or cunning. That his sanity may
be consumed by the Deep Song is no cause for trepidation – for we may
all suffer that fate.
By now, you will no doubt have
discovered the flagellum, and realized the Truth of My Existence. It is now
time for Me to reveal Myself. Congratulations—you are the first or second
generation to live in awe of the certainty of My Being. This must certainly be
a heady time for you.
You might all be asking yourselves,
why would a God who has adhered to the laws of nature in all his works (gravity
still doing its thing? I love how all that stuff sticks together) suddenly
reveal Himself to be clearly throwing miracles willy-nilly when it comes to
these microscopic cell whips? I guess I just figured that once you guys
developed enough of an interest in microscopic things, you’d be of a maturity
level to deal with the Wonder of My Message.
Also, I tried to talk to you all
through prophets and commandments a while back, and you just ignored the
Message, and killed the Messengers. So I figured, stick an incontrovertible
miracle in the flagella, and check back when they’ve discovered them.
Now that you’re ready, here’s my
message: Stop having abortions, but kill all those jerks on death row. They may
be the least of your brothers, but that was Jesus’ saw, not mine. (The kid’s
got a problem with capital punishment, don’t ask me why.) Also, war is cool. Don’t
let anyone push you around.
Lastly, I want you all to know that
we’ve done away with the Holy Spirit. There are some of you who debate the
Divinity of Jesus, and even some (prior to the discovery of the Flagellum, of
course) who debated My Existence, but
have you ever gotten into a philosophical discussion about the Holy Spirit?
Hey, I love St. Patrick, but the Holy Ghost just wasn’t pulling His end of the
Holy Trinity. Just kept flitting about the Holy City going “Wooooo! Whoo! I’m the
Holy Spirit!” Had to downsize. From now on it’s just Father and Son, like a
And most of all, remember how much
I love you. I may have kept silent during all your wars, genocides and natural
disasters, but that wasn’t because I was trying to be all mysterious, somehow
too great for you to comprehend. I was just waiting for you to discover the
flagellum, so we could have this little talk. Don’t forget how vast My love and
benevolence is, because if you do, I’m going to have you tortured in ways far
crueler than your tiny imaginations can conceive of, forever.
Surprisingly, it was not a
Japanese man but a French scientist, Joseph Fourier,
who was the first to warn of a giant monster who threatened the earth back in 1824.
A Swedish scientist, Svante
Arrhenius, posited in 1896 that warming temperatures caused by human
activities would melt the ice caps, freeing any giant monsters previously
trapped there. His theory was dismissed by his colleagues for decades, as they
continued to focus on the dangers of the Loch Ness Monster.
A British engineer
named Guy Callendar renewed research on the giant monsters in 1938 but was widely
dismissed. It was assumed that should any giant monsters arise from the Arctic Circle,
they would surely fight each other and in their self-destruction spare the
earth. Also, it was concluded that the mighty oceans would drown almost all of
the giant monsters.
In 1958, measurements taken in
Hawaii and Antarctica proved that monsters were stirring.
It was not Godzilla but rather
Mothra who made the first publicly acknowledged appearance on the world stage,
followed soon by The Smog Monster. An antimonster act was passed in the United
States in 1963, but it was not sufficient to destroy these toxic creatures.
a US presidential advisory committee warned that that giant monsters were a matter
of "real concern.” President Johnson noted his concern as well, then went
back to planning bombing missions in Vietnam. Finally, when Mothra set the
Cuyahoga River on fire, stronger antimonster legislation was passed un
President Nixon, and after a succession of increasingly strict laws over the
years, Mothra and the Smog Monster were dissuaded from attacking the United
States and now reside somewhere in China.
US scientist Wallace Broecker was
the first to use the term “Godzilla,” in 1975, even though the Japanese had
been making movies about the giant monster since 1954. They called him “Gojira,”
but evidently Western people don’t know how to say “Gojira.”
Sightings of the monster became
more frequent. In 1989 UK Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher called for a global
treaty to deal with Godzilla. Nothing was signed, but more studies were called
Finally, in 1997 a protocol was established that all developed nations must
fight the giant monster. The US Senate refused to ratify it. “It’ll cost US jobs,”
said Senate minority leader Tom Daschle. “Also, what about the Loch Ness
To this day, the United States
ignores the obvious truth that Godzilla and other giant monsters are rampaging
all over the planet. Al Gore made a movie that has footage of Godzilla eating
buildings and devouring entire shorelines, but he lost an election to a
mentally disturbed idiot, so everyone just made fun of him. Now it has become
common for politicians to deny that Godzilla exists.
Meanwhile, wholesale destruction
has been visited upon the city of New York and along the Jersey shore. New
Orleans has been all but destroyed. Fires plague California and the entire western
US. Are they all from the fiery breath of Godzilla? Maybe not all, but all this
destruction is what we have to look forward to if we don’t address the reality
that a giant monster is attacking us as payback for our hubris, as well as our
burning of fossil fuels.
Given the history, research, and
documentation of the existence of Godzilla, it is time to act, before he
attacks again. Anyone who refuses to see a giant monster cannot be fit to hold
a seat of power. Giant monsters are not the stuff of myth. They must be dealt
Oh, and the new movie is a nice
try, but it’s fairly boring.
three of the spheres remain, each strapped to the chest of a trusted
runner. They should be close to their objectives by now. I can't begin
to imagine what they're moving through.
I fell I saw that the battle had devolved into thousands upon thousands
of episodes of single combat. Weapons of steel and bone were
continuously raised and brought down over a field gone to bloody mud
from a series of pointless advances and retreats. I now lie under
bodies stacked three deep in places. I can feel the men fighting above,
and hear their screams as viscera are torn free and their life-fluids
gush forth, filtering through the dead to me. I can taste their last
meals; theirs will be mine.
time has come. I crush the detonator ampoules, the glass cutting the
palms of my hands. The initial shockwave lifts the mantle of bodies and
I can take a full breath for the first time in hours. A splintered rib
pierces my lung. I can see the blue light of the blast through the
tangle of limbs and weapons and savaged faces. My eardrums rupture and
the world becomes an endless shrieking hiss. The bodies above me
disintegrate, and in a fraction of a second I am exhumed.
lie in a pool of gore, watching the clouds receded above me, the
expanding radius of the blastwave soap-bubble thin at this distance. It
is beautiful, gossamer, fly's-wing fragile until it hits solid matter.
The sky goes dark as the atmosphere is consumed and light itself is
converted into fuel for the expanding devastation. I wonder when the
wavefront will die, and how long after that will it take for the walls
of air to collapse back into the void we have left.
short blade is still sheathed at my side. I have a few moments – I
could cut my own throat with a little effort. It might be the right
thing to do.
made a mask out of walnut shells and glue and two gloves and whole box
of paperclips and when I wear it I am invisible and nobody can hurt me
or anyone I care about and if they try I come out of the clouds like a
peal of thunder and knock them down even if their tray is full and the
milk goes all over the floor and they won't even get a new plate because
I will holler so loud that they will close the shutter down over the
lunch line and everyone will know that I am cross and that what they did
was bad and that's why they got what they deserved and if they try it
again I will close my fist and punch them in the stomach and not care if
I get in trouble and if they still don't stop then I furrow my brow and
give them such a powerblast with all of my anger and sadness and fear
and the thought of everyone's mother choking on the breathing tube and
turning blue and then they're just a wet shadow in the sand and I'm
holding their empty coat with a Matchbox in the pocket that's not theirs anymore.
These jokes have been culled from the smartest corners of
the internet, as well as MIT and Harvard Science forums. Only the brightest
will get them, so if you’re not amused, it’s probably because you’re fucking
An intellectual’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick
up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” He goes out, gets drunk,
and fucks a prostitute.
Q: How many intellectuals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Photons or something.
Three intellectuals walk into a bar. Bartender says do you all
want a drink? They’re like “fucking of course, we just walked into a bar.”
A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “Are you
a Hindu? I fucking hate Hindus.”
An intellectual was fucking a cat in the middle of the
street. When people noticed him, he said, “Hey! I’m fucking Schrodinger’s cat! Or
An engineer, a chemist, and an economist are fucking this
whore. The Engineer says “I’ll fuck her in the ass. The chemist says “I’ll fuck
her in the mouth.” The economist says “Let’s slit her throat.”
Two intellectuals walk into a bar. One says “I bet I can take
a crap on the bar and the bartender will just laugh!” The other says “You’re
on!” so the first intellectual jumps up on a stool and takes a huge dump on the
bar. The bartender says “What the fuck!” and grabs a bat and comes for him. As
they’re running away, the first intellectual says “Well I thought it was funny!”