Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Turn Back Around

Some cops have gotten the wrong message, and are sending the wrong message. Turning your back on Mayor de Blasio is childish and negative, and rather than helping your cause, it does the opposite. Every time a cop turns his back on the mayor, the police force gets politicized. 

“It's not political, it's personal”? No, it's personal when someone gets killed, for them and their loved ones. It was personal when Officers Rafael Ramos and Wenjian Liu were killed. It was also personal for Eric Garner's loved ones. It's okay for the communities to be torn up about it and to demand justice. In the case of Officers Ramos and Liu, innocent policemen just doing their job, the assailant was a crazy person who blew his brains out. In the case of Eric Garner, an innocent, unarmed man, the assailant was a policeman, and there was no trial. That's a problem. 

Did rhetoric drive Ismaaiyl Brinsley to kill the cops? No. There is a great wave of antipathy toward the police, especially in the black community, which no doubt fed this troubled man's motivation. That anger came from an unnecessary death of a man by chokehold, not anything anybody said. 

De Blasio didn't back you the way you want? Do you think it was a mistake for him to try to find commonality and empathy during a time of great outrage? The mayor has a black son. Was he not supposed to talk about this? I think it was an excellent time to connect with a furious New York. If he'd been Rudy Guiliani (who backs de Blasio in this dispute, although he also blames Obama for the police officer's deaths, so fuck him) and gone all "Hey, police gotta do what police gotta do," there would have been a riot. People would have torn shit up.

Did you notice something about the protests over Eric Garner's death? People did not tear shit up. Kudos to the mayor for that, and kudos to Reverend Al Sharpton and the other protest organizers as well. Thank you, New Yorkers, for maintaining a sense of community, even when you think your community provides you no justice. The cops who turned their backs on their mayor spurn that community.

When two cops were killed, it was an ugly climax to a horrible story. Universal condemnation of the crime and support for the police poured forth from all quarters. A black person must see this and wonder why the major news networks didn't and don't show the same support for them when they're down. An innocent man is killed, there's no follow-up, and the response is "Be a better father" and "Stop getting pregnant." Does the black community have problems? No doubt. Do those problems have anything to do with Eric Garner's death? Hell no. Is a policeman’s death more important than a black man's death? Only in the media.

Still, when those cops were killed, people came together. Shrines were built on the street and online. The mayor (with his "friend" Andrew Cuomo jumping on his lines earlier that morning) called for a "pause" in protests, aka a stop, forever, at least until the next time someone gets killed for no reason. The only good that could have come of this senseless killing would have been to let the community come together. 

Instead, Patrolman's Benevolent Association president Patrick Lynch saw it as a time to take potshots at de Blasio. He described blood on the hands that "starts on the steps of city hall in the office of the mayor." I'm sorry, saying you've had to coach your son on how to interact with cops is not tantamount to calling for police executions. Also, can we all clean up our metaphors? Are there handprints all up the steps? Is de Blasio a circus tumbler, walking on his Macbethianly blood-soaked hands all over city hall?

When cops pile on to that nonsense by turning their backs, they send a message not of unity but of political divisiveness. They do this not just at a time of national mourning, when people are supposed to come together, but also at a time of black pain. Eric Garner is still dead, at the hand of cops. This is no time to get self-righteous. It's not your turn at the outrage game. Every time you turn your back, you say that Eric Garner's death, and the other deaths of black men and children at the hand of police, is not as important as these cops’ deaths. What's more, you're also saying that the deaths of Rafael Ramos and Wenjian Liu aren't as important as the fact that you're mad at the mayor. That you can't maintain decorum at a funeral. 

It's shameful and it's ridiculous. You're public servants, with a job to do and a relationship with the public that still needs to be greatly improved. Turn back around.

--Dan Kilian

Freddy vs. Wishmaster


Michael J. Fox's Bad Day



Wednesday, December 24, 2014


Back when the four track was state-of-the-art (okay, well after. I've never been a first adopter) I made a Christmas album Jimmy Christmas and the Kringleland Players Present We're Having A Christmas Party. It's still available in sterling cassette tape format, provided you can find the single cassette it's on, and have a four track player for cassettes. Every year around this time I remember that I mean to rerecord it, using state-of-the-art techniques. Next year for sure!

That's why I feel equal parts jealousy and delight every time my friends King Truelove (Terry King and John Truelove) come out with their annual Christmas video. Truelove is the real deal songwriting wise, and he can get to the angst and the joy of the season. They're clearly working up to an album's worth, which, if not to be a staple of regular listening come December, should at least be mined for these gems by pop stars looking to cash in on the holidays. We need more Christmas songs! We can't abide another version of "Baby It's Cold Outside," when Dino's version still exists.

Here, in reverse Chronological order, are the King Truelove offerings.

Starting with "X Spells Christmas" where the pair give romantic blues the Dylan treatment, making full use of 5 Pointz "Phun Factory" location to illustrate the bleakness of lost love.

"Two Little Devils at Christmas" is probably my favorite, because it's a rocker.

"Paul The Elf" seems sad, but it's got the hope that's buried in the bleakest of Noels.

Things get downright surreal with "Home For Christmas" with the introduction of Bacon and Creme, the new balloons in the Christmas parade. This has got to be most classically Christmas-y tune. If I left right now I'll be home in time for Christmas.

Unless it's "Christmas Time" a country flavored instant classic.

Missing the familiar songs of yuletide yore? Let's close (open?) with "Pee Wee's Christmas" and King Truelove's cover(s) of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." Weird stuff man!

Thanks for the songs, guys! Merry Christmas Everybody! Love, Dan

--Dan Kilian

Death To Everyone

The Legion of Santas


Tuesday, November 11, 2014


Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and you bring him into the glorious human army doing battle with that ancient watery enemy, the Bathyphasm, foul spirit who is made manifest in all aquatic creatures, be they finned or not, swimming freely in the open waters or burrowing in the seabed, weak-minded or cunning.  That his sanity may be consumed by the Deep Song is no cause for trepidation – for we may all suffer that fate.  

--Steve Kilian 

Godzilla's Ghost

Definitely Probably Possibly


Tuesday, July 29, 2014

A Letter to Those in the Know By God

Dear little creatures,

By now, you will no doubt have discovered the flagellum, and realized the Truth of My Existence. It is now time for Me to reveal Myself. Congratulations—you are the first or second generation to live in awe of the certainty of My Being. This must certainly be a heady time for you.

You might all be asking yourselves, why would a God who has adhered to the laws of nature in all his works (gravity still doing its thing? I love how all that stuff sticks together) suddenly reveal Himself to be clearly throwing miracles willy-nilly when it comes to these microscopic cell whips? I guess I just figured that once you guys developed enough of an interest in microscopic things, you’d be of a maturity level to deal with the Wonder of My Message.

Also, I tried to talk to you all through prophets and commandments a while back, and you just ignored the Message, and killed the Messengers. So I figured, stick an incontrovertible miracle in the flagella, and check back when they’ve discovered them.

Now that you’re ready, here’s my message: Stop having abortions, but kill all those jerks on death row. They may be the least of your brothers, but that was Jesus’ saw, not mine. (The kid’s got a problem with capital punishment, don’t ask me why.) Also, war is cool. Don’t let anyone push you around.

Lastly, I want you all to know that we’ve done away with the Holy Spirit. There are some of you who debate the Divinity of Jesus, and even some (prior to the discovery of the Flagellum, of course) who debated My Existence, but have you ever gotten into a philosophical discussion about the Holy Spirit? Hey, I love St. Patrick, but the Holy Ghost just wasn’t pulling His end of the Holy Trinity. Just kept flitting about the Holy City going “Wooooo! Whoo! I’m the Holy Spirit!” Had to downsize. From now on it’s just Father and Son, like a family business.

And most of all, remember how much I love you. I may have kept silent during all your wars, genocides and natural disasters, but that wasn’t because I was trying to be all mysterious, somehow too great for you to comprehend. I was just waiting for you to discover the flagellum, so we could have this little talk. Don’t forget how vast My love and benevolence is, because if you do, I’m going to have you tortured in ways far crueler than your tiny imaginations can conceive of, forever.



--Dan Kilian

Sunday 11:17 P.M.

Sweet Nothings


Tuesday, June 3, 2014

The True Story of Godzilla

Surprisingly, it was not a Japanese man but a French scientist, Joseph Fourier, who was the first to warn of a giant monster who threatened the earth back in 1824. A Swedish scientist, Svante Arrhenius, posited in 1896 that warming temperatures caused by human activities would melt the ice caps, freeing any giant monsters previously trapped there. His theory was dismissed by his colleagues for decades, as they continued to focus on the dangers of the Loch Ness Monster. 

A British engineer named Guy Callendar renewed research on the giant monsters in 1938 but was widely dismissed. It was assumed that should any giant monsters arise from the Arctic Circle, they would surely fight each other and in their self-destruction spare the earth. Also, it was concluded that the mighty oceans would drown almost all of the giant monsters. 

In 1958, measurements taken in Hawaii and Antarctica proved that monsters were stirring.

It was not Godzilla but rather Mothra who made the first publicly acknowledged appearance on the world stage, followed soon by The Smog Monster. An antimonster act was passed in the United States in 1963, but it was not sufficient to destroy these toxic creatures. 

In 1965, a US presidential advisory committee warned that that giant monsters were a matter of "real concern.” President Johnson noted his concern as well, then went back to planning bombing missions in Vietnam. Finally, when Mothra set the Cuyahoga River on fire, stronger antimonster legislation was passed by President Nixon, and after a succession of increasingly strict laws over the years, Mothra and the Smog Monster were dissuaded from attacking the United States and now reside somewhere in China. 

US scientist Wallace Broecker was the first to use the term “Godzilla,” in 1975, even though the Japanese had been making movies about the giant monster since 1954. They called him “Gojira,” but evidently Western people don’t know how to say “Gojira.”

Sightings of the monster became more frequent. In 1989 UK Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher called for a global treaty to deal with Godzilla. Nothing was signed, but more studies were called for. 

Finally, in 1997 a protocol was established that all developed nations must fight the giant monster. The US Senate refused to ratify it. “It’ll cost US jobs,” said Senate minority leader Tom Daschle. “Also, what about the Loch Ness Monster?” 

To this day, the United States ignores the obvious truth that Godzilla and other giant monsters are rampaging all over the planet. Al Gore made a movie that has footage of Godzilla eating buildings and devouring entire shorelines, but he lost an election to a mentally disturbed idiot on a technicality, so  everyone just makes fun of him. Now it has become common for politicians to deny that Godzilla exists.

Meanwhile, wholesale destruction has been visited upon the city of New York and along the Jersey shore. New Orleans has been all but destroyed. Fires plague California and the entire western US. Are they all from the fiery breath of Godzilla? Maybe not all, but all this destruction is what we have to look forward to if we don’t address the reality that a giant monster is attacking us as payback for our hubris, as well as our burning of fossil fuels. 

Given the history, research, and documentation of the existence of Godzilla, it is time to act, before he attacks again. Anyone who refuses to see a giant monster cannot be fit to hold a seat of power. Giant monsters are not the stuff of myth. They must be dealt with. 

Oh, and the new movie is a nice try, but it’s fairly boring. 

--Dan Kilian

Godzilla's Ghost

Micky Rourke as Godzilla 

Friday, May 30, 2014

Moments Before Collapse

Only three of the spheres remain, each strapped to the chest of a trusted runner.  They should be close to their objectives by now.  I can't begin to imagine what they're moving through. 

Before I fell I saw that the battle had devolved into thousands upon thousands of episodes of single combat.  Weapons of steel and bone were continuously raised and brought down over a field gone to bloody mud from a series of pointless advances and retreats.  I now lie under bodies stacked three deep in places.  I can feel the men fighting above, and hear their screams as viscera are torn free and their life-fluids gush forth, filtering through the dead to me.  I can taste their last meals;  theirs will be mine. 

The time has come.  I crush the detonator ampoules, the glass cutting the palms of my hands.  The initial shockwave lifts the mantle of bodies and I can take a full breath for the first time in hours.  A splintered rib pierces my lung.  I can see the blue light of the blast through the tangle of limbs and weapons and savaged faces.  My eardrums rupture and the world becomes an endless shrieking hiss.  The bodies above me disintegrate, and in a fraction of a second I am exhumed.

I lie in a pool of gore, watching the clouds receded above me, the expanding radius of the blastwave soap-bubble thin at this distance.  It is beautiful, gossamer, fly's-wing fragile until it hits solid matter.  The sky goes dark as the atmosphere is consumed and light itself is converted into fuel for the expanding devastation.  I wonder when the wavefront will die, and how long after that will it take for the walls of air to collapse back into the void we have left. 

My short blade is still sheathed at my side.  I have a few moments – I could cut my own throat with a little effort.  It might be the right thing to do. 

Stars begin to appear overhead.  

--Steve Kilian

Top Trek: A Pan Fiction!



Thursday, April 3, 2014

My Mask

I made a mask out of walnut shells and glue and two gloves and whole box of paperclips and when I wear it I am invisible and nobody can hurt me or anyone I care about and if they try I come out of the clouds like a peal of thunder and knock them down even if their tray is full and the milk goes all over the floor and they won't even get a new plate because I will holler so loud that they will close the shutter down over the lunch line and everyone will know that I am cross and that what they did was bad and that's why they got what they deserved and if they try it again I will close my fist and punch them in the stomach and not care if I get in trouble and if they still don't stop then I furrow my brow and give them such a powerblast with all of my anger and sadness and fear and the thought of everyone's mother choking on the breathing tube and turning blue and then they're just a wet shadow in the sand and I'm holding their empty coat with a Matchbox in the pocket that's not theirs anymore

--Steve Kilian

Apocrypha 2: Joseph in the North

Russian Roulette on Meth 

Friday, March 14, 2014

Best Intellectual Jokes

These jokes have been culled from the smartest corners of the internet, as well as MIT and Harvard Science forums. Only the brightest will get them, so if you’re not amused, it’s probably because you’re fucking retarded.

An intellectual’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” He goes out, gets drunk, and fucks a prostitute.

Q: How many intellectuals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Photons or something.

Three intellectuals walk into a bar. Bartender says do you all want a drink? They’re like “fucking of course, we just walked into a bar.”

A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “Are you a Hindu? I fucking hate Hindus.”

An intellectual was fucking a cat in the middle of the street. When people noticed him, he said, “Hey! I’m fucking Schrodinger’s cat! Or AM I?”

An engineer, a chemist, and an economist are fucking this whore. The Engineer says “I’ll fuck her in the ass. The chemist says “I’ll fuck her in the mouth.” The economist says “Let’s slit her throat.”

Two intellectuals walk into a bar. One says “I bet I can take a crap on the bar and the bartender will just laugh!” The other says “You’re on!” so the first intellectual jumps up on a stool and takes a huge dump on the bar. The bartender says “What the fuck!” and grabs a bat and comes for him. As they’re running away, the first intellectual says “Well I thought it was funny!” 

--Dan Kilian 

Fab Facts about The Beatles Rock Band Game

Adventures in Solitaire