Tuesday, July 29, 2014

A Letter to Those in the Know By God

Dear little creatures,

By now, you will no doubt have discovered the flagellum, and realized the Truth of My Existence. It is now time for Me to reveal Myself. Congratulations—you are the first or second generation to live in awe of the certainty of My Being. This must certainly be a heady time for you.

You might all be asking yourselves, why would a God who has adhered to the laws of nature in all his works (gravity still doing its thing? I love how all that stuff sticks together) suddenly reveal Himself to be clearly throwing miracles willy-nilly when it comes to these microscopic cell whips? I guess I just figured that once you guys developed enough of an interest in microscopic things, you’d be of a maturity level to deal with the Wonder of My Message.

Also, I tried to talk to you all through prophets and commandments a while back, and you just ignored the Message, and killed the Messengers. So I figured, stick an incontrovertible miracle in the flagella, and check back when they’ve discovered them.

Now that you’re ready, here’s my message: Stop having abortions, but kill all those jerks on death row. They may be the least of your brothers, but that was Jesus’ saw, not mine. (The kid’s got a problem with capital punishment, don’t ask me why.) Also, war is cool. Don’t let anyone push you around.

Lastly, I want you all to know that we’ve done away with the Holy Spirit. There are some of you who debate the Divinity of Jesus, and even some (prior to the discovery of the Flagellum, of course) who debated My Existence, but have you ever gotten into a philosophical discussion about the Holy Spirit? Hey, I love St. Patrick, but the Holy Ghost just wasn’t pulling His end of the Holy Trinity. Just kept flitting about the Holy City going “Wooooo! Whoo! I’m the Holy Spirit!” Had to downsize. From now on it’s just Father and Son, like a family business.

And most of all, remember how much I love you. I may have kept silent during all your wars, genocides and natural disasters, but that wasn’t because I was trying to be all mysterious, somehow too great for you to comprehend. I was just waiting for you to discover the flagellum, so we could have this little talk. Don’t forget how vast My love and benevolence is, because if you do, I’m going to have you tortured in ways far crueler than your tiny imaginations can conceive of, forever.



--Dan Kilian

Sunday 11:17 P.M.

Sweet Nothings


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