Wednesday, March 18, 2009

The Ghost of Nixon and Obama: A Dialogue

You called?

No…ah…well…yes, but I was expecting…Lincoln…or…ah…Roosevelt?

You wanted Lincoln? What, have you started a civil war?

No…but, the um…red states and blue states…ah…

Save that claptrap for the campaign. The Republican Party’s committing Hari Kari right now and you know it. The only chance they have is if you can’t turn a recession around in three and a half years. Lincoln. What are you, going to emancipate someone? You going to emancipate the gays?


Smart. You’re more like me than you think. You’re not in a civil war; you’re in a period of generational demographic change. I had hippies, you’ve got Mexicans.

Well, I could…um…use...ah…FDR right now.

What, you think this is a Great Depression? No you don’t. You’re just milking it to seize power. Power of the Presidency.

Oh I think we’ve had…enough of the…imperial…ah…

Can’t you form a Goddamn sentence without rewrite and a teleprompter? I just want to shake you! Spit it out for Christ’s sake!

I think we’ve had enough of unlimited executive power.

Sure you do. So what you’ve got to do, while you’re wresting all this power away from yourself, is win these wars and get the economy back on track.

Well, “win the wars” isn’t really the…ah…phrasing…

Don’t be the first President to lose a Goddamn war! Now that’s infamy!

I really think you may have cured us of that.

What, Vietnam? That was Johnson’s war. I inherited it. Wait ‘til you’re in your second term and those gooks are still blowing up our boys.

And what about the war of 1812? Didn’t the British…ah…burn down the capital?

You know, I never thought of that. Okay, I’ll let you be a big boy and get us out of Persia faster than I got us out of the Nam. I notice you’re now secretly bombing Pakistan. Shades of Cambodia. But let’s focus on the economy.

Yes, um…is FDR by any chance…ah…

Screw that overblown cripple! Here’s what you do: Wage and Price controls.

Wow. I know I read about that once, but I really don’t think...

Wage and Price controls! It’s the only answer!

I really don’t think…

You’re trying to stop those bonuses at AIG right?


Wage and Price controls! If I’d stuck to my guns in ’71 I’d be on Rushmore. Hey kid!


You’ve got to stop them putting “-gate” on every Goddamn scandal. It doesn’t even make sense. It was a Goddamned hotel. A damned part of a name of a hotel. It’s not even applicable.

I don’t know what I…

You don’t call every Washington sex farce an “-insky,” do you? Don’t you bastards remember The Teapot Dome scandal? Why can’t they be domes? Why gates? Make ‘em Goddamn domes, for Christ’s sake!


Oh Christ. Dickie! Dickie! Dickie! You don’t take a dump in the living room!

Um… Van Buren around anywhere?

You just wait, kid. There’s a generational change going on. I was a progressive! Wait ‘til the Goddamn Mexican Hippies come for you!

--Dan Kilian

------------------------------------------------ Advice For Obama

------------------------------------------------ Talkin' To Nessie


  1. Nice. Well g-d'ed. But doesn't it lack a certain . . . what's the word . . . oh, right, antisemitism?

    On Viet Nam, wasn't that Kennedy's war, and wouldn't Nixon shift the defeat to Ford's administration? (Or maybe he directly addressed this during his post-presidential renaissance. I dunno. Do you?)

  2. Kennedy doesn't get nearly enough blame for Vietnam, though Johnson got just about the right amount of blame, if not damnation. You go in with a "secret plan" to end it, and you leave office still in it, and you should scoop a big helping of blame too.

  3. Forget "blame." US presidents don't get nearly enough jail time for their illegal wars of aggression.