Thursday, March 5, 2009

Car Wars

By Donald Rumsfeld

Okay, okay, so I’ve gotten a little criticism lately. Evidently my cute aphorisms that played so well with the press a few years ago have gotten a little tired, and don’t play so well with a pissed-off National Guard. When that guy asked me why the Humvees aren’t armored, perhaps that “You go with the army you have” comment was a little too clever, or a little too stupid. Here’s a list of better answers that I came up with later that night.

“Fuck you, you ungrateful media plant!” This actually might also have played
poorly, but I thought I’d include it anyway.

“We hadn’t anticipated the kind of insurgency that would require the armoring of transport vehicles, not because we’re incompetent, but because we’ve been so successful in Iraq.”

“This is a leaner, swifter cheaper military. That armor will only slow you down.”

“Not only could you get blown up even if you were in a tank, but let’s face it, as your tour of duty keeps getting extended—and believe me buddy, your tour just got extended—and resentment against the U.S. occupation increases, the odds for you just keep getting worse. Best not to think about it.” Again, this is one of the responses that might not have played so well.

A slap. Worked for Patton.

Now, we’ve got an issue of physics with regards to armoring our vehicles in Iraq. We’re making armored vehicles as fast as the company we contracted was requested to generate them. Sure, they could have made them faster, but we didn’t ask them to, so how physically could they? Shouldn’t we have learned our lesson from taking over Iraq so quickly? Let’s not rush things, unless it’s a rush to war.

Speaking of learning lessons, we’ve learned something from the $80 billion we’ve spent on our Missile Defense system, or STI, or “Son of Star Wars.” This last Wednesday we learned that it doesn’t work. Now, we’re still going to spend another $50 billion on this program, because Bin Laden might launch a missile at us, and because Alaska Senator Ted Stevens needs to keep bringing home the pork.

The question is, what do you do with a non-functioning defense system that protects us from a dissolved Evil Empire? I suggest we crush the missile defense machinery into flat plates, and attach it to the bottom and sides of Humvees, and send them to Iraq.

After all, you make do with what you have.
--Dan Kilian

This is being posted as a document reclamation project. Don't worry, George W. Bush is no longer President.
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