It’s a Mod Mod Mod Mod World

As part of a document preservation exercise (certain egotists--whose old websites have disappeared and refuse to let anything die on the hard drive--insist.) here is another time warp document, satirizing events that have long passed and are no longer relevant. Don't be afraid. George Bush is no longer President, and you don't need to know who Bill Frist is.

They’ve taken to wearing Zoot Suits, popping uppers, and chanting “We are the Mods! We are the Mods! We are the-we are the-we are the Mods!”* Yes, the Moderates (Their slogan: “You know, there are some parts of The Bill of Rights I actually like!”), once thought to be extinct, have held sway in the Senate, creating a bipartisan supergroup, the Gang of 14, who averted the nuclear option. The filibuster, that safeguard that keeps the government actually getting things done, has been maintained. Until this week.

“And the Mavs! Don’t forget the Mavs!” shouts John McCain. Some are saying “maverick” Senator McCain has cost himself the Republican nomination come ’08, because the Republican base can’t stand problem-solving and coalition-building. In fact, the Republican base is still of two minds regarding the invention of fire, and would never nominate the sometimes-sensible senator. Is a McCain/Lieberman third-party run really out of the question? Will either party run a candidate who’s worth a damn ever again? Are open ended questions a form of lazy non-analysis mixed with cloud-talk or are they “extended debate”? No, no and we’ll decide that once we’ve seen some classified materials.

Of course there are legitimate questions as to whether filibustering is a legitimate form of debate or just a parliamentary trick for extending gridlock. Rule by the minority isn’t terribly democratic, but the Senate’s not really about populism, what with Rhode Island holding as much sway as California. Also, there’s a great tradition to the filibuster. Jimmie Stewart used extended oratory to delay a vote on suspected ethics violations (Senator DeLay surely must be weighing his options) in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, still the corniest and truest movie about D.C. ever made. Strom Thurmond holds the record for the longest filibuster, more than 24 hours, to hold back civil rights legislation. Meanwhile, back in his kitchen, Thurmond was doing something with the help known as “fill-a-sister.”

So the mighty filibuster lives to fight another day. What were the compromises that enabled The Mods and Mavs to hold off a seemingly inevitable procedural change? No one knows for sure, but here are some compromises our unnamed inside source says helped to sweeten the deal:

Democrats will only filibuster under “extraordinary circumstances.” They can also filibuster for “super-special reasons,” “fancy rationales,” or if it’s a Senator’s Birthday.

Three of Bush’s judicial appointees will get up or down votes in the Senate. Two will remain in limbo, and two will have to fight each other to the death on a nest of loose ropes over a pit of scorpions.

Evidently nothing about John Bolton.

Addressing an oversight that has long needed attention, people who cough will now get a “bless you.” Whenever someone sneezes, the proper response is now “God bless you, and God bless America.”

Even though we’ve stacked Iraqis in naked pyramids, killed Afghans, hung prisoners from the ceiling and attached wires to a guys balls, no one is to take accusations of Koran flushing seriously. Sure, we’ll kick it around, but hey, we’d never flush it. Right?

The New Deal will now be referred to as “Our Own Wheelchair Bound Lenin’s Plot to Destroy America.”

A new “Three Strikes and You’re Out” rule for any legislation deemed unconstitutional by an Appellate Court will insure that gay-bashing legislation has to be found unconstitutional three times before it can be struck down.

Since the Frist/Sith wordplay is too delicious to stop, Clarence Thomas gets to be the
Samuel Jackson character (Not because he’s black, but because he the most qualified), and Lieberman gets to be Yoda (Not because he’s a Yoda, but because he’s the most qualified).

Even though it has nothing to do with filibusters, I should mention that everyone is talking about this Tom Cruise thing on Oprah. I didn’t see it.

At least for now, the rules regarding filibustering will remain the way they are, though this battle may have only been delayed. This is all a warm-up to the battle over an impending Supreme Court appointment, which is going to be a conflict of Ragnarokian fury over whether Bush appoints a blatant conservative with a right wing agenda or a closet conservative with a hidden agenda. It’s important that the Democrats save face in such a battle so that people will say “The Democrats? Oh yeah. Them.” (The new slogan of the Democratic Party) It’s equally important for the Republicans that the U.S. Judiciary be as right wing as they are. Otherwise, some gay guy’s going to be able to visit his boyfriend in the hospital, and the fabric of time and space will tear.

--Dan Kilian

*It’s from the movie version of The Who’s Quadrophenia. If you’re old enough to remember the movie, you’re old enough to run for Senator. Sting played the bellboy! Remember Sting? You can be a Congressman!

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