Killing Two Birds

Killing Two Birds
By George (Popular Mandate) W. Bush

Hello, my adoring public. I thank you for your recent validation of my policies. This last November, the American people spoke, and what they said was “We want more of what George W. (Stands for ‘Won Decisively’) Bush has got to offer.” You have given me what is known as political capital. Capital is like money. You may remember, after the first election, against that Al Gore fellow, how it might have seemed that I didn’t have much political capital to spend, on account of how I hadn’t won the popular vote. Well, I didn’t have much political capital, so what I did was, I ran political deficits. I legislated as if I had the popular will, and I grew my own economy of popularity, until now I have a surplus.

Yes, you might say it took a huge terrorist attack to make the nation rally around me, but if that’s what it takes, that’s what it takes. Maybe another attack will get the budget in shape. In the meantime, I’ll proceed according to plan, because you, the American people, seem to want more of my kind of leadership.

But there’s more to running the United States than debt and war. This country has a looming crisis with its so-called Social Security plan. I’m looking to privatize just a little chunk of this plan, put it into the stock market, only I still have to find a way to pay for all the current payments for seniors.

Now, there’s another problem we’ve got over in Iraq, which is a situation you all endorsed this last election. We’ve been invited by the government of Iraq to run their security while they get on their feet, and there’s this insurgency situation, and well, quite frankly, it might require more troops than we’ve got.

You see where I’m going with this, right? That’s right. I’m proposing we use seniors to fight the insurgency in Iraq. This wouldn’t be any kind of draft. You see, a lot of those seniors were members of the Greatest Generation. They fought in World War II. We honor their service, and we’re calling them back up. Heck, most of them are going through their second childhood and are fighting all over again, anyway. The way I see it, old folks are as good as our children at drawing enemy fire. This way, we won’t have to worry about paying as many checks, and we’ll be fighting the good fight.

This will not be just any group of soldiers. This will be an elite force. Most soldiers can’t speak the language and don’t know the culture over in Iraq, which can be a disadvantage. Old people are always baffled, and can’t hear anything, so they will be better prepared for the confusions of this foreign land. Since we’re doing this as part of the effort to privatize (or Lieutenantize—this is an elite force) Social Security, we’re going to call this special branch of our troops the SS.

I know you’ll all approve of my new plan. Let’s face it, you already did. Yep, just about any crazy idea I come up with for the next four years is going to fly, and if you don’t like it, you hate Jesus and America, and you’re going to jail. Or Iraq. See, I’ve got a plan that’s going to kill two birds (and a few thousand Iraqis) with one stone.

Thank you, and God bless America, and by extension, me.

--Dan Kilian

This is being posted as a document reclamation project. Don't worry, George W. Bush is no longer President.

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