Friday, March 6, 2009

Chronicles (Excerpts) by Bob Dylan

…’N’ so I said to Pete, “So you like ‘Blowin’ In The Wind?’ You couldn’t tell the way you guys half-ass it. Why don’t you let me in the band so I can show you how it’s done?” ’N’ of course they had to let me in, ’cause I was the one and only fucking Bob Dylan, and I tried to whip their asses into shape. They wanted to do all these complicated harmonies, ’n’ I said, “Nooo, you’ve got to sing it like thiiis.” ’N’ we were buzzing along quite nicely, but soon enough, heads had to roll. Paul was always gettin' on my nerves, and Peter was always arguing, goin’, “Bob,” I hated how he called me Bob. “Bob, it can’t all be about you.” ’N’ I’d say, “What do you mean it can’t? Of course it can. I’m Bob fucking Dylan.” ’N’ Mary was pretty tepid in the sack. ’N’ so I fired Peter, ’n’ I fired Paul, ’n’ I fired Mary, so now we still called it Peter Paul & Mary, only now it was just me, ’n’ people would come to the show and they were all saying, “Where’s Peter?” or, “Where’s Mary?” No one ever seemed to give a flying damn about Paul. ’N’ I’d say, “Fuck those guys. And fuck you. I’m Bob Dylan.”

Eventually it occurred to me that calling the act Peter Paul & Mary and telling everyone I’m Bob Dylan didn’t actually made any sense, so I started calling it Bob Dylan again, ’n’ of course Peter Paul & Mary got back together without me, behind my back. Betraying backstabbers. I hope they enjoyed it, cashing in on my song, riding the gravy train as far as it could take their mediocre asses. “Puff the Magic Dragon,” indeed. Fucking stoners.

* * *

’N’ so I says to Robbie Robertson, “I want to go electric.” ’N’ he says “That’s cool.” Cause that’s all Robbie could say, back in those days. “Cool, Bob. Everything’s so fucking cooool.” It could have been 115 degrees and that bastard would be sayin’ it was cool. Stupid stoner. He actually thought I meant to somehow electrify myself, somehow run a current through, to actually go electric. Had to spell it out for him.

So he gets the Hawks together and we start touring, and everyone’s goin’, “Booo,” ’n’ I’m goin’, “Boo yourself. I don’t care. I’m Bob Dylan.” Now the bastards cheer even when I’m too drunk to know what I’m singing. Idiots. I’d kill each and every one of them if I could.

* * *

’N’ so I said, “You know that these are the last days, right? That Jesus is coming?” and of course everyone goes, “Yaaayy.” I’m up there hopin’ the apocalypse comes right then, to kill all these fools.

I have to admit, the impending end of the world did make me less careful in my wardrobe choices. Kind of went for this polyester pirate thing. Now I’ve got the Vincent Price cowboy look, and the ladies do seem to appreciate it.

Of course, the world didn’t end, which kind of put the kibosh on the whole born-again thing. Late Great Planet Earth my ass. Some of my Jewish friends are still pissed, but fuck those guys. I’m Bob Dylan.

* * *

’N’ then I played Live Aid, I think. At least I didn’t die as bad as Joan did. Shit. I’m half in the bag, and for some reason a couple of drunk bastards from the Rolling Stones are up there playing with me, and this choir of teeny-bop idols are practicing that “We Are the World” business backstage while I’m trying to sing.

Did those starving Africans ever get fed? Did I ever get my cut? Who knows?

I tried to finally bang Diana Ross, but she was having none of it.

* * *

So this punk Sexton says maybe he could play a lead on “Everything’s Broken,” ’n’ I said, “Fuck you, kid. I’m playing the leads. Maybe when you’ve been on top for fifty straight years, then you can play some leads. Until then, you just follow along with me in whatever key I’m feeling like playing lead on. ’N’ stop stepping on the transitions, or you can go back to playing that David Bowie shit you were doing before I saved you from complete obscurity. Beat’s so lonely at the top my ASS!”

I had a good mind to fire him, but I got a soft spot for that Sexton kid. I’d actually liked his David Bowie shit back in the eighties. Course, I liked Duran Duran back then too. I’d even toyed with the idea of changing my name to Bob Duran Duran, but then just about everything I did during the eighties was pretty crazy. Shit, I thought the world was going to end.

--As transcribed by Bob Dylan to Dan Kilian

Note: Not funny enough? Try reading it aloud in your worst Dylan voice. In fact, try reading everything you read today in that voice. Bad Dylan voice makes everything better.

Sun O)))

Neil Diamond

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