The Future of Cars

With the White House questioning their viability, Chrysler and GM have thirty and sixty days to roll out new plans to reverse their losses, or face bankruptcy. Now is the time for far-reaching, imaginative, desperate plans. What can we expect from these embattled car manufacturers?

New Leadership

In a nearly unprecedented imposition of Government control, GM’s CEO, Rick Wagoner has been asked to resign. Who will replace him? Surely it will have to be someone with an automobile sounding name, as Wagoner had. Bob Automan? Van Morrison? Otto McCarr? Vehicle Driverwagon? If anyone has those names, they should be in contention.

New Healthcare Plans

Heretofore unheard of compromises by the unions allow for greater flexibility in healthcare plans. Instead of spending $1,635 in healthcare costs for every car made, now for every car a worker’s life will be sacrificed, and his or her crucial organs will be sold to the highest bidder. The remaining body parts will be liquefied and used as lubricant.

New Models

Sleeker, more modern gas-mileage conscious automobiles shall be the order of the day. Chrysler has just leaked plans for its Chrysler 600, a one to two passenger vehicle with two wheels and no combustion engine. It comes with a basket and a bell, standard. GM is looking to collaborate with potential buyer Thom McAn on an experimental vehicle, though details are sketchy. Also in the works: virtual cars, imaginary cars, and a device that makes the “vroom” sound.

Stealing Cars From Toyota

Those union-free Japanese companies seem to doing less horribly. Perhaps we could steal all their cars. Ever see that movie Gone In Sixty Seconds? Horrible, wasn’t it? Why did Nicholas Cage start making nothing but horrible movies? Does it have something to do with the failure of the American auto industry?

A Return to the Days of Henry Ford

If you could build a time-machine and take it back to the dawn of the American automobile industry, such an invention would probably sell for a lot of money. If anyone has time-traveling technology they’ve been sitting on, now’s the time to break it out. You could make a time traveling car like in Back To The Future. People would buy that.

--Dan Kilian

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