Tuesday, February 23, 2010

You Can Fool Summit The People Summit The Time

This Thursday Obama and the Republicans have their much hyped Health Care Summit. Leery Republicans and embattled Democrats will put their ideas on the table, and pretend that any of them are actually better than what we should really do. Since everything is predetermined in Washington, we already know what’s going to happen. Here’s the transcript.

Stage Manager: Curtains up!

O: Welcome here Republicans! That sounds like a good idea! Let’s use it!

John Boehner: I’d like to say that we’re all really grateful for this invitation, and that we think it’s a trap.

Mitch McConnell: Blurg! Bluggity blug blug bluggy blugg blug blurrrrrg!

O: That sounds like a good idea! Let’s use it!

Boehner: We’re happy to add ideas to reforming healthcare. Our first idea is that you scrap reforming healthcare.

O: Now come on John. You’ve got to meet us halfway. We’ve tried to meet you halfway. This bill is a hobbled piece of crap already. We’re twisting ourselves into pretzels to keep the insurance companies happy. Why? Because we’re corrupt @*#holes, just like you. We really can work together.

Boehner: I’ll agree that we’re all corrupt, but if the country goes to hell, I get to move into the nicer offices, so we really can’t even meet you part-way.

O: Well, can we hear any Republican ideas that you might use for your kind of health care reform?

Boehner: Well, if we put a cap on how much people can sue an incompetent doctor for, it would save us millions of dollars. All we’d have to give up is recourse to the law. Tort reform!

McConnell: Tort! Tort!! Blurggity blurg!

O: That sounds like a good idea! Let’s use it! Anything else?

Boehner: It’d be good for people to be able to buy insurance across state lines.

O: That sounds like a good idea! Let’s use it!

Rahm Emanuel: Wait a @#%* *%#@ minute! Don’t we already do that with our bill?

O: No! That’s a totally new Republican idea! And we’re going to use it!

Boehner: Also, instead of the government subsidizing low income people’s insurance, can we just give them vouchers or coupons or something?

O: Well this has been a lovely bipartisan exchange of ideas! I think we’ve done it! Let’s go pass healthcare.

Harry Reid: If you guys have really come up with a bipartisan Healthcare plan, I’ve got one that will take care of the whole thing for fifteen billion dollars. I’ve really set my expectations pretty low. I’m going to be a commentator on MSNBC next year. Isn’t that right Nancy?

Nancy Pelosi: Please don’t touch me, Mr. Reid.

Boehner: What are you talking about! You can’t just appropriate a couple small ideas and call that bipartisanship!

O: The hell I can’t! That’s my new slogan. Yes, the hell I can’t! Thanks for those wonderful ideas. Now let’s go pass this thing, reconciliation style.

Emanuel: All *@%#-ing right!

McConnell: Blurrrrrg!

Reid: Yes, let’s do it! I wonder if we have the votes!

Nancy Pelosi: We can pass it in the House, as long as you promise to change all the bad parts later!

Boehner: Curses! It was a trap!

Stage Manager: Okay! That’s a wrap! Strike the set!

--Dan Kilian

The Lawnmower Party

Olde Tales of The Sea

1 comment:

  1. Here is the scoop on the new plan, SPN Headlines exclusive:


    Have a great day! :-)