Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Bobby Jindal's Republican Response to the Obama Address

Here I come, walking towards ya! Here I am! Happy Mardi Gras. Y’know, we saw something extraordinary tonight. Barack Obama, a son of a white woman and a Kenyan, addressed the chamber where we abolished slavery! Look how far we’ve come; let’s move on. Did I mention that my parents came here from India? And now for some reason I’m a rising star in the Republican Party, even though few in the party know my positions or have ever heard my voice. Bet you didn’t know I was all folksy sounding, did you?

My dad always told me “There is nothing Americans can’t do.” Now I’m going to tell you that over and over again. See my hand gesture! Pretty good, huh? It’s like I’m shaking your hand through the television. Boy, I’m really scared.

Republicans want to work with President Obama. We just don’t agree with anything he does, and will do our best to stop him, as we work with him.

There is nothing Americans can’t do. Remember Hurricane Katrina? I was visiting some Sheriff and he was on the phone and he was cussin’ and a hollerin’ cause some bureaucrat was holding things up, and then I was all cussin’ an’ hollerin’. There’s a lesson there. Hurricane Katrina was all screwed up. And that’s why we tried to stop the stimulus package.

Republicans believe that all Americans should have access to health care. The emergency room is a great way into the hospital! Likewise, we believe in a “scholarship program” to give parents the chance to send their kids to private schools. That’s the new way we say “vouchers.” “Scholarship programs.” The Republican Party is going to come up with a whole slew of new phrases and terms for their ideas, bringing us into the 21st century.

We need ethics. In my home state, we used to have a saying: At any given time, half of Louisiana was said to be half under water, and the other half is under indictment. No one says that anymore. We’re taking care of the ethics. The water part, not so much.

There is nothing that Americans cannot do. Tax cuts, defense, earmarks, Katrina, socialism, universal government-run health care, government bureaucrats. Still shaking your hand. There’s nothing Americans can’t do. I bet I made you all forget about Sarah Palin, didn’t I?

--Bobby Jindal as transcribed to Dan Kilian

--------------------------------------------------------- Stump Speech
--------------------------------------------------------- Pope Letter

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