Globama

Obama has played on the world stage in his beloved Europe (Well, England, but the World and Europe’s there as well). They still presumably love him there, and will no doubt greet him with adulating crowds. The leadership might adulate a little less. Obama wants a global stimulus package, but that’s been preemptively slapped down by France and Germany, two countries that always do great things when they work together. So Barack gets to smile and hang out with world leaders, and some fig leafs of progress must be brought home so he has something to show for his big trip.

So which figs shall leaf the genitals of failure? Here comes the list.

Money for the IMF

There will be more money for the IMF, the international lender of last resort. IMF stands for “I’M Fucked, please give me some money.” Patrons of the IMF are known as IMFants, and are told how to run their economy, usually in austere ways that lead to revolutions. It’s a good system. I feel it’s my obligation, since I’m trying to be all high-brow and economically smart, to mention Bretton Woods, even though I have no idea what or who that is. Tiger’s dad?

New Regulations

As it was the international system of finance that allowed these toxic assets to be spread about the globe, it only makes sense that some international regulations be passed. These regulations should be global in scope, but shouldn’t challenge any individual nation’s sovereignty. They should be binding, yet allow for elastic interpretation. They should be orange, yet purple. They will be depicted as global rule and a sign of the twenty headed beast of the apocalypse by people who like that sort of thing.

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Transparency

Germany will finally admit that Gesundheit doesn’t mean what we think it means. Yes, it’s true; we’ve been saying something nastily obscene every other time someone sneezes. The same goes for Konnichiwa, but few think the Japanese will fess up. Yes, that’s the correct spelling. I know it looks better with one N, but that’s an even MORE obscene word in Japanese.

Name and Shame

Countries that erect trade barriers and countries that provide tax havens shall be mentioned in a scolding tone. This will be depicted as global rule and a sign of the twenty headed beast of the apocalypse by people who like that sort of thing.

Moneyday Goes Global!

Saturday, June 6 is Moneyday. The leaders of the G-20 summit would be trumpeting this, if they knew about it. Spread the word! Buy someone a present. The Ks will be playing at Trash Bar in Brooklyn that night, by the way.

More Stimulus

Just kidding. That’s not going to happen. They’re going to hitch their wagon to our cart, even if our cart is a wobbly wheelbarrow going off a cliff. Personally I think that when Czech Prime Minister and European Union President Mirek Topolanek called Obama’s stimulus plan “the road to hell,” he was being a bit of a douche. The fact that he was inspired by an AC/DC concert calls for more nuance. Accordingly, I am minting the term “Doucherad” (pronounced DOOSH raaad) for when someone is simultaneously cool and lame. Adjective or noun. He’s a doucherad who’s being doucherad. I bet it’ll come into good use.

You know, I’ll take all the progress we can get. Europe’s got real safety nets, so they like depressions more than we do. They also used to like wars more, but hopefully that’s getting a little more balanced too.

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One last thing: we’re all doomed.

--Dan Kilian

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