Three Variations On the Same Scatalogical Joke

Q: Why does crap look like lumps of bronze?

A: Because it comes in turd.

Notes: Simple, which is good, but does crap actually look bronze? It's really more of a burnt umber. It might be close enough that people will go along with it, but there might be a subconscious tension that undermines the release of the punchline. Jokes are like the scientific method. If people don't believe the given, they won't accept the results. Is crap a good middling between shit and poop?

A favored Olympiad stumbles on the track and comes short of the gold or silver meddles. Expecting a bronze, he instead gets a lump of shit on a string. "What's this for?" he asks, bewildered? The Olympic official explains "You came in turd."

Notes: Doesn't work. Puns don't justify illogical behavior. The language is tortured, having to avoid the word "third." Replacing the bronze with an actual lump of feces avoids the discrepancy of version one, but it makes bronze itself unnecessary, and thus the entire set-up kind of pointless. If it's going to be on a string, the word is definitely shit.

Two guys are having anal sex. Then they shit on each other, smearing the feces all over themselves. Then they bring in a dog and a cat and make them take craps on the floor and then they roll in it. Then they bio-engineer a giant living piece of crap and feed it so that it can take a shit. They take this doubly shit shit and cook it in birdshit and they eat it. Then they put on diapers, shit in the diapers and then wear the crapped-up diapers as hats, as they smear more exotic forms of dung into every crevice of their bodies. A member of the Olympic committee shows up and gives them each a bronze medal. "What's this for?" the ask.

"You came in turd," says the Olympic committee member. Then the Olympic committee member take a shit in his hand and eats it.

Notes: This seems to strike the right balance, but I'm troubled by the word "dung." Don't want to get redundant, but the word is a little sterile. Definitely on the right track.

--Dan Kilian
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