Necessary Measures in Iran, an editorial by Michael Score

There is much talk of possible crossroads in Iran these days. Much of this, like the speculation prior to the Iranian “election,” is wishful thinking. Popular unrest will result in the same result a “legitimate” (under the restrictions of Iranian “democracy”) election would have brought us: repression and a figurehead to an autocracy bent on obtaining nuclear weapons.

The greatest threat to Western Culture is nuclear proliferation. We cannot afford to be blind to the danger of an Islamic state’s obtaining nuclear weapons. The new danger is Iran, a known supporter of terrorism throughout the Mideast and the world, and their intention to go nuclear is no hoax. Negotiations are just delaying tactics. We’ve got to bomb key sites to destroy Iran’s nuclear capability.

While I worry about the geopolitical ramifications of global terrorism and the Islamic bomb, my concern regarding this impending crisis is personal. As the composer and singer of the hit single “I Ran” with my band A Flock of Seagulls, I stand to gain financially from an earthshaking conflagration with Iran. Can’t you see it now? All the late night news parodies are bound to use my song. Get it? “I RAN”? This is bound to increase sales of my back catalog.

Some of you may have seen A Flock of Seagulls get back together on VH1’s show Reunited a couple years back. The nostalgia that show generated sold enough records to allow me to pay off my longstanding debt to Jive/Arista Records, as well as some credit cards I maxed out during the eighties. It also inspired the band to stay together and go on a series of tours, without any of the other original members. Our time is now! If we bomb Iran, or as I call it “I Ran,” who knows, maybe we could even return to the Billboard Charts! Think of it!

I know how this works. Styx had a whole reunion based on a car commercial. Leno, The Daily Show, even the straight cable news shows are going to lead into their stories with my song! So what if it’s a horrible pun and thousands of people are dying?

I’m due, damn it. I’m due. I was famous. Everyone watched that video. Arista paid about fifty bucks for it, and that’s about what we got, and it made them a fortune. Those chicks in the garbage bags got paid more than we did. I need a big fat royalty check. I just bought a new car. I need this.

We all need this. We can’t afford to let a theocracy run by sponsors of terrorism get the atomic bomb. It would destabilize an already tumultuous region, and possibly provide Hezbollah or even Al Queda with the ultimate weapon. We cannot let that aurora borealis come into view. We must blow I Ran’s nuclear ambitions so far away.

--Mike Score as transcribed to Dan Kilian

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