Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Khomeini and Khamenei: A Dialogue

Editor’s note: This piece is a fictionalized reconstruction of an actual event. While we take pains to accurately represent the tenets of Islam, some of the details of the rituals performed might be inaccurate.

Ayatollah Khamenei sprays blood from a headless chicken to form a pentagram on the floor.

Ayatollah Khamenei : Spirits of Islam! I command thee to summon the ghost of Ayatollah Khomeini!

Ayatollah Khomeini: You called?

Editor’s note: For the sake of clarity, from this point on we shall be referring to the Ayatollah Khomeini as Khomeini, and Ayatollah Khamenei as Derek.

Derek: Ayatollah! You came!

Khomeini: Why do you summon me!

Derek: I have such troubles! The people are going crazy!

Khomeini: The people must follow the…err…laws of Islam.

Derek: Yes, but I’m not even really respected by the clerics. No one likes me!

Khomeini: You’re just depressed. Maybe a woman will cheer you up.

Derek: Ah the women! They want to dress like whores.

Khomeini: Well who can blame them? Iranian women are some of the best looking women in the world! I saw a beauty in the lobby I’d like to put a fatwa on! Let’s go pick up some birds.

Derek: You’re much more…earthly than I remember.

Khomeini: Yes…err…death will do that to you. Now, how about a martini? Where do you keep the vodka?

Derek: Vodka? You’re not the Ayatollah! Who are you? Wait a minute, I know who you are!

Khomeini: Yes.

Derek: Sean Connery!

Editor’s note: Since it is the one and only Sean Connery, we shall now refer to the Ayatollah as Sean Connery. To maintain consistency, we’re keeping Khamenei as Derek.

Sean Connery: The one and only.

Derek: Wow, that’s uncanny! You really look like him!

Sean Connery: I didn’t even have to grow out the beard. I let it go like this when I’m between roles. Hollywood doesn’t come calling as often as it used to, I’m afraid.

Derek: I’m a huge fan! I was wondering about the accent. Can I have your autograph?

Sean Connery: Of course! Yes, I don’t really do accents. But I had the look down I think!

Derek grabs some clerical stationary and Connery signs it with a flourish. Then he karate chops Derek, knocking him to the ground.

Sean Connery: I’m afraid it’s over for you, Khamenei! You see, MI5 saw the resemblance, and knew I’d get through to you dressed as the Ayatollah. Your reign of terror is over!

Enter Barack Obama.

Barack Obama: No!

Sean Connery: President Obama?

Barack Obama: Sir Connery, I’m a huge fan, but this isn’t right. If the Western powers are seen as meddling, it will undermine the very democracy we’re trying to foster!

Derek: I knew Britain was worse than America!

Sean Connery: I see your point, but I’m afraid I have my orders.

Barack Obama: It’s time to read from a new script, Sir Sean.

Derek: Wait a minute, you’re not Barack Obama…you’re…um…

Barack Obama: Timothy Dalton.

Editor’s Note: Since it is, in fact former Bond portrayer Timothy Dalton, we shall now note him as such, keeping the other names the same.
Sean Connery: One of the under-rated lesser Bonds.

Timothy Dalton: Sir Connery, I’m a huge fan. I’m afraid operation Thunderpussy has been aborted. Gordon Brown caved to the Americans yet again.

Sean Connery: Pity.

Derek: Wow you really seemed like Barack Obama! You’ve got incredible range. You had the voice and everything!

Sean Connery: Well, vocal tricks aren’t everything. There’s also screen presence, you know.

Timothy Dalton: I was never the Bond you were. I’ll always be Prince Baron from that campy 80’s Flash Gordon movie to most people.

Derek: Just as I’ll never be the Ayatollah the people want. You guys have really taught me a lesson in humility. I think I’ll respond with really abhorrent repressive measures, killing my own people, so I can cling to power. Prince Baron, can I get your autograph?

--Dan Kilian
Bond's Bad Day
Celebrity Farts

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