Thursday, May 14, 2009

A Nonsensational Speech On the Detainee Abuse Photos by Barack Obama

[excerpted from the May 13th radio/youtube address by President Barack Obama]
My adoring fellow Americans.

I would like to talk today about my blatant reversal regarding the release of a few…ah…hundred photographs detailing the abuse of prisoners in Iraq and Afghanistan. You’ve seen some of these pictures and…ah…gotten outraged and…then forgotten about it. This is more of the same. Who wants to go back there? Is there really a need for Americans to know what previous administrations were up to?

I looked at these pictures and they’re not…ah…particularly…um …sensational. In fact I was disappointed. I was kind of like, “eh.” I showed them to Defense Secretary Robert Gates and he was “eh” too. So there’s nothing to see here. These are rather run of the mill, kind of boring photos that should never be seen by anyone or our troops will die.

The most direct consequence of the publication of these photos would be to further inflame anti-American opinion. You might think that occupation and war in Iraq and Afghanistan, another secret war in Pakistan, and the routine death of civilians by robot drones from the sky would be worse than a bunch of pictures as far as inflaming the Muslim world. Still, it’s really important that no one realizes that people were…um…treated…ah…badly in these…ah…prison camps.

We don’t want to send people in the Middle East the message that we’ve mistreated them, even though we…ah…did. If I squelch all investigation into the misconduct of yesteryear, and no one from the previous administration gets blamed for anything, then we will have all finally turned the page.

It’s also really important that everybody really like me, all the time. I want my Generals to think I’m a strong leader so I’m doing whatever they say. Also, I don’t want any controversy, ever. I will find a way to please the House Republicans, Nancy Pelosi, the military and the ACLU, all simultaneously.

Let me be clear. We still believe in transparency in this administration. In this case, these photos will be invisible. What’s more transparent than invisible?

Moreover, I fear the publication of these…ah…photos may only have a chilling effect on future investigations of detainee abuse. Investigations which will never happen, if I have anything to do with it.

Thank you, and God bless America.

--as transcribed from a radio or a youtube by Dan Kilian
---------------------------------------------- Obama Abroad
---------------------------------------------- The Ghost of Ford and Obama

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