White Wedding

The buzz was that Billy Idol, friend of the groom through a foreign exchange trip in highschool, was going to be at Kirk and Jennifer's wedding. I knew just what I'd say to him. Philip Marsden, the total boor at our table, got to it first in the bathroom.

"Hey Idol, nice day for a white wedding, huh!?"

Idol gave a mirthless chuckle as he went into his booth. I dragged out my piss and caught him at the sink. Nice to know Mr. "Rebel Yell" washes his hands after. I smiled at him. "You must really hate weddings, don't you?"

Idol smiled back. "Yeah, I kind of really do."

We were friends. Struck up some more chat about fame and weddings and stuff. It was probably a mistake to do a bump with Idol there in the bathroom, and it was almost certainly a mistake to do several more later on in the evening, but it made being stuck at table 14 with Philip Marsden and the other peripheral guests more palatable, and I got the conversation flowing. I held forth on how great it was to be an extra guest and not have to do anything but wear a semi-functioning outfit and eat.

So it was surprising when they started passing the microphone that I ended up giving a toast. I guess what happened was that as an allusion to my earlier monologue at the table about not having to do anything, I made a big show of rushing over and grabbing the microphone, as a joke, to pretend I was really missing the wedding spotlight, which everyone at table 14 knew I didn't.

So I grabbed it as a joke and was just about to pass it back to the bride's father when the perfect toast came to me. I forget what it is now, but I quickly said it, because, quite frankly, it needed to be said. It was so perfect and appropriate I know everyone at the wedding would get it that it needed to be said. We were all in this together, for just that moment. So I made a joke about that, knowing that they'd all get it.

So then I had to explain who I was, and why I was talking, so I redid some of my spiel that I'd already given table 14, about how nice it was being on the periphery, but I expanded on it a little so the people at table 14 wouldn't be bored. So I explained why it was funny that I'd grabbed the mic.

I told people about the encounter with Billy Idol and Philip Marsden in the bathroom, and then I had to apologize to Philip Marsden, which I tried to tie back to the theme of matrimony. I forget what Billy Idol song I started singing, but I know it wasn't "White Wedding" so I bet he appreciated that. He kept refusing to come up and sing with me, but he was laughing. "Eyes Wthout A Face." That's what it was.

Then I sort of got caught on a tangent about Pixar studios, and how they were so good they could make an epic 3D animated movie about anthropomorphic toe-nail clippings. I worked up some of the character names and some of the plot twists, and it was getting pretty elaborate.

Then the funniest thing was when the father of the bride kept trying to take the mic away from me, and then the groomsmen all ganged up on me to get it. It became this huge physical comedy bit, the more I thrashed and held the microphone away the funnier it got. The whole thing climaxed with them lifting me up off the ground and carrying me out of the place. It was friggin' hilarious.

I was going to go back in for an encore, when I saw there was a bar in the hotel, so I went there for a couple drinks so my reentrance would be timed right. I got caught up in conversation, so I was there for a while.

Eventually some of the wedding guests must have snuck out to join me. Even Kirk and Jennifer snuck out for a quick drink, which I kept saying was hilarious. Idol never showed. We had a real good time anyway, until a fight broke out and I had to save the day and get in the middle. I got a bloody nose, but things calmed down, thanks to me.

I forget what else happened, but I had a nice evening. It really was nice to be at the periphery. I still need to get them a gift, but I've got six months.

--Dan Kilian
New Stoner Day
Garfield Minus Garfield, K Style