Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Avatarred and Feathered

This is the fictionalization of the movie Avatar, based on the commercials I keep seeing.

All right crippled guy! I’m Sergeant Marine from the space military! We’re taking over this planet of cats! They’re the cats from that Broadway musical of the 20th century. Awful, I know. Evidently the touring road show made its way into space and now they live on this planet like Indians, totally in harmony with the environment, and we want to kill them all, because we’re totally evil! Gnar! Gnar! Evil military Earthmen! Bet you didn’t see that coming! Also, we’re really gonna do some bad anti-environmental exploitation, because we’re just that evil.

Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. Sigourney Weaver’s going to inject you with some science thing and stick you in a tube or something and that will do some science-y DNA and suddenly you’ll look all fake, just like the cats. Now go! Hail Evil Earth!

Hail Evil Earth Sir!


Welcome to Cat planet! Jellicle cats! Jellicle cats! Hi, I’m Rumpleteazer! You are a stranger to these parts!

Oh well, I’m a stand-in.

Welcome to our simple eco-harmonious village! Look out! A giant video-game monster!

Oof! You saved my life!

And now I’m falling in love with you! Midnight! Not a sound from the pavement…

Yeah, that really was the closest thing to a good song from that show.


Oh no, the Evil Earthmen are going to destroy you all!

You knew this was going to happen!

Yes, and I don’t blame you for hating me, but I’m going to lead us in a seemingly doomed attack against vastly superior war machines, because only I know their weakness!

What’s their weakness?

Some science-y business no advanced space travelers would ever have. It’s totally stupid! Also, they don’t understand love.

I love you again! Let’s go fight the Evil Earthmen! Midnight…

Okay, that’s enough of that.


Gnar! The cat/man betrayed us! Now all these video monsters are going to eat us! I guess that’s what we get for being so evil and environmentally exploitive! Sigourney Weaver, help me!

No, I won’t because even though I probably only have about six lines in this movie, I still cost a lot and have a rider in my contract that says I have to be good. I’m going to live with the cats!

Gnar! Woe to us Evil Earthmen! Woe! Gnar Gnar!

Touch me! It’s so easy to leave me…

Gnar! They’re all singing. It’s just awful! Gnar!

--Dan Kilian

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