Tuesday, November 24, 2009

2012 Minutes of Mayhem

The mighty K’uhul Ajaw called the royal calendar maker into his throne-room.

Great and noble Tsuk! All praises from The God K be upon you! So what’s the deal with these calendars? They only go to 2012. I mean, you know, the Mayan number for that.

All hail the mighty K’uhul! Unfortunately, that’s the year the world ends. Seems that Neutrinos from the sun will mutate, causing the Earth’s center to boil.

Now Tsuk, you know our Mayan technological know-how is hyped way beyond our primitive state, but even to a primitive Indian like me that sounds like utter bullshit. You’re assigning biological changes to cosmic particles. It doesn’t even make sense.

Nonetheless, that’s what’s going to happen. Our Astrological analyses prove beyond a doubt that the Earth shall boil from within, the planet’s crust will shift causing giant volcanoes, earthquakes and tidal waves. The end of the world shall chase a key doughy faced hero of the future in cartoonishly linear fashion! All the landmarks of the world shall crumble in familiar ways!

Well that sounds pretty dumb, but maybe kind of fun?

Oh, it sounds fun, but the lulls! The horrible lulls will be the world’s undoing! When they should be scrambling for their very lives seemingly intelligent people will stop to talk about their dead wives, or domestic fissures, or to bond with their ex-wives boyfriends. People will urge on the end of the world and when it comes, again and again broken by these endless lulls, the monotonous pattern will make all destruction tedious!

That sounds horrible! Will anyone survive?

Unfortunately, yes. Are you sure you don’t want the details of this Apocalypse spoiled?

Why should I care? I’m not going to see this Apocalypse, and from what you’re saying nor should anyone in their right mind wish to see it. Not even if they take the day off from work and are looking to kill a couple hours in the afternoon. Spoil away!

All the leaders of the world will designate survivors, who will flee to some arks built in China.

They’re going to trust the Chinese? Wouldn’t the Chinese betray everyone else to allow more of their loved ones to survive?

It probably has more to do with global distribution of DVDs than realistic geo-political thinking. Evidently this project won’t be very well thought through. No one will anticipate crowds of people trying to get on the arks. One nice scientist will make a speech about helping as many people as possible and the world leaders will be moved as if they hadn’t considered the logistics of this long running project before. They’ll have the foresight to put cameras in gear-shafts, but they won’t consider the moral quandaries of survival.

That’s all so awful and stupid! Is there nothing we can do to stop it? Develop some technology?

Oh, I’m afraid the Mayan empire will have fallen thousands of years before all this.

Well, it’s probably for the best. We’re a lousy society. Great calendars, but all the human sacrifice, it’s barbaric. Is there some way we can warn the empires of the future?

We shall, but no one will heed the warnings. Even worse no one will heed our warnings about the Mayan number for 2009.

What happens then?

A movie will predict the end. So many precious hours of useful life wasted!

Can we warn them?

It will be for naught. Millions will see this dreadfully boring prophesy. Maybe, maybe after the initial onslaught, we can spare a few stragglers who don’t have anything to do some lonely afternoon, or who might consider renting it.

For the sake of those few, we must warn them. Get chiseling.

--Dan Kilian

Avatarred and Feathered

The House of Wrongs

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