Monday, March 28, 2011

Lucky The Third Time: The Obama Doctrine

The nation waits for Obama to lay out his doctrine, to explain why we’re at war in Libya. Well wait no more! We’ve got an advance transcript of tonight’s big speech.

Hail bold warriors of the mighty War Republic! U.S.A. number one!

As you know, the other day I got us into Middle East war number three, and this time there’s no way bad stuff will happen. Let me be clear: this whole thing in Libya will be over in days, not weeks. Years maybe, but definitely not weeks.

Now I know a lot of you are saying, “Didn’t we elect this guy to get us OUT of wars?” Well jump on an octopus tentacle, because you’re a sucker! I was also elected to lead a progressive green revolution save the economy as well as roll back the extreme tactics of the Bush administration, and instead I’ve passed tax-cuts for the rich and trashed Miranda rights. So why shouldn’t I go for a war too?

The good news is, we’re kicking ass! Seriously, Qaddafi’s an asshole. He was going to kill a bunch of people, and that never happens in the Middle East, so we had to stop it. This is a humanitarian rescue mission, and make no mistake about it: that mission shall not change. Also, our side in the civil war is winning, and Qaddafi has got to go.

I know a lot of hay has made about how women changed my mind about intervening in Libya. Rush Limbaugh called me pussy-whipped. But consider this. One of those women was my Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton. She was initially opposed to intervention as well, until she was convinced it was the right thing to do. So you might wonder, is there such a thing as pussy on pussy whipping? Well, after conducting a Google search, I can assure you that there is.

So what would you have me do? Sit back as Qaddafi goes house to house, killing anyone who looks like they might not love dictatorship? What would my critics be saying then?

And yeah, I know Bahrain and the Ivory Coast also have despots using violence to cling to power, but come on. We have a naval base in Bahrain, (which is, yes, named after the people’s crankily stoic embrace of drought), so while it might be convenient to attack, the odds of them letting us keep the base goes down. We’re also concerned that the Shiite majority might be influenced by Iran, an evil theocracy sworn to opposing the United States. We’d much rather have Bahrain under the umbrella of Saudi Arabia, the country that gave us Wahhabism. Oh, and Ivory Coast? Most Americans think that’s a brand of soap, not a country, so how can we go there?

The newsflash here is that opportunism and hypocrisy are part and parcel of conducting foreign policy. You can’t have opportunism without the opportunity. When the Arab league asked for a no-fly zone, the opportunity was there to intervene in Libya. Likewise, without hypocrisy, we’d have to be in eight or nine wars, as opposed to three, not counting Pakistan, Yemen and Venezuela. Oh wait, forget I said anything about Venezuela. That’s for the second term!

In closing, remember that we avoided a bloodbath in Libya. We stood by in Rwanda and Bosnia, and we regretted it. Not this time. I expect that by the time the rebels have won and the reprisal killings get under way our media will have moved focus onto something else!

Thank you, and may God Bless America, and may God Bless our sacred wars, especially official wars one and three. Two still really sucked, but I sort of ended it, sort of. Media, please keep ignoring the protests and violence in Iraq! We’ll be out of there in years, not centuries.

--Dan Kilian

44 Rings Up 43

End of Conflict

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