Monday, January 25, 2010

Extraordinary Measurements

Harrison Ford! You’ve got to help me! I need you to find a cure for an incurable disease!

What’s the disease?

I’m getting all puffy and huge!

It’s called fat. You eat and drink too much. You need to diet and exercise.

Don’t tell me that! There’s GOT to be a cure. I was George of the Jungle, for Christ’s sake!

The only cure is diet and exercise. Here’s an exercise I do. Walk down this corridor and hold onto the lapels of your jacket. I think the lapel thing is good for upper body development. I call it “Lapel Walking.”

Don’t feed me that hopeless negativity! Can’t you see how physically awkward it is for me to just walk normally? I look like a frigging robot! A fat robot! Now come on, how do I really get thin? I can’t just exercise and diet for a miracle, I’ve got to make one.

Well, I could help you, but it will cost you.

Name your price! Anything!

I need years.

Years? To do what?

Not to do something. To live. I want years of your precious youth.

You want…

Give me your youth. I’m growing so horribly old. I need youth!

Youth? I'm forty-seven!

That's young to me. I'm 112 years old.

If I can somehow give you years of my…life, will you…

I can make you thin again!


Well, I can give you my plastic surgeon’s number. I’ve heard he does a good liposuction.

Thanks Harrison!

But first, you must give me your precious youth!

It’s a deal! Oh hurrah! This is truly an inspiring tale based on real events!

--Dan Kilian

Top Trek: A Pan Fiction!


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