Tuesday, January 26, 2010

State of the U-Suck

My adoring, fickle, fickle public, and of course, you idiots in the congress, good evening.

I’d especially like to welcome our newest Senator from Massachusetts, Scott Brown. Hope you like that truck, Senator, it was brought to you by a “Fascist Socialist Power-grab.” You really fucked me good Scott. Suddenly I’m in trouble. No one mentions that if Coakley had spelled Massachusetts right I’d be on the way to Mount Rushmore. Just hasn’t been a good political season for blond women who want to coast to victory. I think some of those yobs who voted for you thought they were still voting against Hillary.

So now we’re screwed on Healthcare, because a bunch of people who already HAVE healthcare were pissed at Ben Nelson. Well I can tell you, Ben Nelson’s an opportunistic asshole, that doesn’t mean you have to stick it to the whole country. Just throw eggs at the guy’s house or something.

Hey Congress! Remember when I asked for Healthcare in August? Ha ha, right? Well there was a reason for that deadline. Now if by some miracle you guys get your act together and find someone else to vote for this bill, DO IT. You will not have everyone forever. The next time someone gets caught sleeping around it might not be a Republican. And look at Robert Byrd. He looks like David Bowie at the end of The Hunger.

Now everyone’s saying I was too cool, didn’t show enough passion, enough emotion to get this thing across the finish line. Think about that. Now I’m not going to say this too many times, but I am a black man. How do you think I managed to become President? By never ever ever never doing anything to frighten white people. When was the last time you heard a white person say “Boy, that black fellow sure is stirred up emotionally, let’s do what he says.” When a black man gets emotional, he isn’t respected; he’s usually hauled off to jail. You people really do think racism is all over, don’t you?

Okay, so you want cheap bullshit? I can do that. Let’s pretend the sensible thing is to slow down government spending in the middle of the Great Recession. We can do that. It’s a spending freeze! That ought to create some jobs. We won’t touch social security, I know you don’t want us to touch your Medicare (You all just pissed away the last chance to do anything about that.), and of course we won’t touch the military. In short, we won’t do crap about anything that really matters budget-wise, but we’ll squeeze the balls off some programs that don’t really add up to a hill of beans, just to impress you fiscal hawks. Because Lord, you were always all so hung up on the debt when W was in charge.

Then you’ll probably elect Brown president, he’ll pass another completely unjustifiable tax-cut and we’ll do it all over again, until China dumps us for the Euro.

Meanwhile, pay no attention to the explosions in Iraq. We’re still getting out. At least my generals no how to get something finished.

Dear God you are all so stupid and Dear God America.

--Transcribed by Dan Kilian


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