There were surprised gasps when the Nobel committee awarded Barack Obama the Nobel Peace prize, just nine months into his Presidency. Thorbjorn Jagland, the chairman of the Norwegian Nobel Committee cited “some really nice things Barack Obama has said” as the basis for the reward. Nobel followers were further surprised when the Nobel committee rescinded the Nobel Prize for physics award they’d given the creators of fiber optic technology, and gave it instead to Barack Obama. “He’s really been a booster of science,” said Jagland, “We figure that will inspire far greater inventions than some puny fiber optics.”
President Obama issued a brief statement, “I am humbled to receive this, the greatest award for peacemaking there is. Now I’ve got to hold an important meeting with my defense team to strategize on the two ongoing wars we’re conducting, as well as some Predator Drone strikes into Pakistan.”
While ostensibly a reward for reengaging the United States with the concept of international diplomacy and for promoting a world free of nuclear weapons, this is really a prize for not being George W. Bush. Now personally, I think there should be a Not Being George W. Bush Prize, and we should give out one a day, until everyone but key members of the Bush administration gets one, but as far as rewarding Barack Obama for being a nice guy, the Olympics would have been sufficient.
In what is no doubt a slightly racist train of thought, I’m reminded of what Chris Rock said about how a certain subset of black people brags about things they’re supposed to be doing, as in “I take care of my kids.” Fortunately, Barack Obama isn’t outright bragging “We make diplomatic overtures to other countries,” but that’s really what he’s being rewarded for.
This prize is really a down payment on unfinished business. I join the Nobel Committee (Note: Committee is one of those words that always look misspelled, like “hemorrhage” or “misspelled.” More on that another time.) in lauding Obama’s vision, and I wait for the awards to come.
Perhaps they could give a posthumous award to John Lennon, for imagining a world with nothing to kill or die for, a vision that has influenced everyone from other singer-songwriters to the makers of Beatles Rock Band Game. Or Cat Stevens: He came up with a “Peace Train.” Sure, he said some unfortunate things about Salman Rushdie, but it turns out that was a bit of a bum rap. How about Israeli (Another word that looks misspelled!) President Bibi Netanyahu and whoever’s in charge of the Palestinians? They’re sure to bring us Middle East peace someday.
Or we could just keep giving them to Barack Obama. Anything to keep Bill Clinton furious. The guy did play a big part in negotiating a lasting peace in Ireland, but he’s a walking fellatio joke. Obama could be the Meryl Streep of the Nobel Prize. He really really isn’t George W. Bush, and let’s face it, that guy was a major asshole. Don’t just take my word for it, just ask the Nobel Asshole Committee. Bush has now won their award eight years running.
--Dan Kilian
My Secret Life as an Iranian Proxy Server
Bush vs. Obama in Iran
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