Monday, October 26, 2009

Batman vs. The Taliban

There they are. Mullah Omar’s henchmen at their wicked games again. Well, they’ve chopped off their last finger. 

Oof! Ow!

You guys may think you're religious heroes, but you’re just punks to me.

Someone coming behind you. Spin, kick, punch!

Anyone else want to try something clever? No?

You kicked my father in the head!

He had it coming.

I will never rest until I have avenged him!

The little punk’s running into that farmhouse. Can’t follow, too many ways to get trapped, and he could have reinforcements in there. Robin, set the Batplane on autopilot and have it destroy the building at the following coordinates. 10…

Holy blowback Batman! What about civilian casualties! Won’t we be turning the people against us if we blow up their building?

Yes, you’re right, Robin. Cancel that last order. We’ll do this with old fashioned detection skills. Need some civilian help. You there! Yes? I’m looking for the son of this criminal here. Do you know where he lives?

I cannot help you.


Because you will leave. And then the Taliban will cut out my organs.

I don’t leave. I…I sink back into the darkness.

Well, when you sink back into the darkness, these guys come and cut us up.

Look. You’ve got to give me a chance.

Give you a chance, you’ve been at this for eight years! And nothing ever changes!

Well, a lot of that time I was really focused on beating The Joker.

When you were fighting the Joker, we were dying! He wasn’t even doing anything. You just attacked him, and he was under house arrest.

The Joker may have conned those credulous fools at Arkham Asylum, but I knew he was up to something. Would you prefer a world with the Joker still alive? Anyway, now I’m focused on Afghanistan. And I’ve got back-up from the rest of the Justice League.

Yeah, I’ll believe that when I see it.

Yeah, me too. Time to make a phone call. Superman? Yes Batman! I’ve captured a couple Taliban members, but there’s a new convert. I could use some other caped crusaders to…

Please, Batman, don’t call us crusaders!

Sorry! Sorry! I need some...masked vigilantes to patrol and pick up this kid.

You know, we’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. There are a lot of supervillains in the world, and popular support for the war is way down. Don’t you think this is something Aquaman could handle, with maybe a little help from Wonder Woman’s invisible plane? He could monitor this whole thing from the ocean, and then when an actual supervillain pops up, they could bomb the hell out him.

Yeesh, I don’t know Superman. This situation is really dicey. And what about the people?

Well, maybe NATO can help out. I’ve got to go rescue a cat from a tree in Wisconsin. Up up and away!

Great. Well, I still need to get these guys on my side. Don’t worry! Help’s on its way! Can you help me tie these Taliban up so I can bring them to the local Commissioner or Warlord or whatever you’ve got here?

Batman just tore up the Quran! Everybody riot! Everybody riot!

Time to sink back into the darkness. See you later everybody! I’ll be back once you’ve invested in a bat signal!

Dan Kilian

Back to The Return To The Last Trip To The Well, Part Two

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