Hard to say this year was anything other than a year that sucked. From the economy to the political front to the economy to the economy, things were bad. The economy was on people’s minds a lot. This year it really sank in that “Hope” had become a cruel joke that perpetuated the Bush wars abroad, entrenches the Orwellian domestic incursions on freedom, and makes former Republican proposals into the law of the land, to the dismay of Republicans, who have since become too conservative to recognize their former selves. Let’s hit some of the highlights of 2010.
January
All the suckers born in January hold half-hearted re-gifted birthday parties with their partied and shopped out core circle of friends.
Avatar fever continues, spawning a slew of crappy 3D movies.
Suspicions that this year is going to suck begin to percolate.
An Earthquake devastates Haiti. Politicians and celebrities vow to work tirelessly until the Haitian people are back on their feet with a roof over their heads. George Bush wipes his hand on Bill Clinton’s shirt.
Haiti is forgotten.
February
The Winter Olympics are held in Vancouver. The dancers are funny. Many are disturbed to witness the inclusion of many “extreme” skiing events for the first time, as they are actually interesting.
March
North Korea sinks a boat, but denies the allegations. Nothing is done.
April
Volcanic ash from an unpronounceable volcano in Iceland disrupts air traffic across Europe. Many references are made to Bjork.
BP fucks the gulf coast and the Obama presidency. Nothing else really happens all summer.
Standard & Poor's points out that Greece really shouldn’t be spending far more money than it makes. People are forced to think simultaneously about economics and Greece, causing headaches the world over.
May
Scientists discover that Neanderthals and humans may have interbred. A number of unfortunate porn-films go into production.
Scientists announce that they have created a functional synthetic genome. Still no cloned mammoth.
June
Ethnic riots in Kyrgyzstan between Kyrgyz and Uzbeks break out over scarcities of the letters Y and Z.
July
Wikileaks leaks (Wikily) over 90,000 internal reports about the United States-led involvement in the War in Afghanistan from 2004 to 2010. For the first time in world history, Julian Assange starts getting laid.
Stuxnet unleashed cyber war on the world. It will probably do nothing to stop Iran from getting the bomb, but which will almost certainly delete all your I-tune files. Buy a phonograph.
September
President Obama announces that he will not approve an extension of the Bush-era law that gives a tax break for the wealthy, or those families who earn over $250,000 per year. Common sense populism is back!
October
Thirty-three miners in Chile exchange 69 days of cave dwelling for 15 minutes of fame. It is the only good thing to happen in 2010.
It turns out Ireland shouldn’t be doing that spending more than getting thing either. This reminds people that for a few years prior, for a brief period Ireland actually wasn’t a shit-hole of misery.
November
The nation rejects Democratic half-measures in favor of Republican Nihilism.
Researchers at The European Organization for Nuclear Research trap 38 antimatter atoms for a sixth of a second. Did you hear about that? When do we get interstellar overdrive? Where are the dilithium crystals?
North Korea shells Yeonpyeong Island, under South Korean control, but denies the allegations. Nothing is done.
December
In a lame duck session, Congress passes all the legislation that could have possibly made the Democrats more popular this year. Said Charles Schumer, “It may have been too little, but at least it was too late.”
North Korea nukes Los Angeles. Deep sanctions are imposed.
Hopes abound that 2011 will be better than this year, or the apocalypse.
Have a happy New year!
--Dan Kilian
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