Wednesday, June 9, 2010


Obama’s managed to slightly overcome his reflexive cool by swearing when discussing the BP oil-spill crisis. Look for more salty language to help our seemingly aloof President connect to the American people. Here are some probable upcoming Obama talking points.

Let me be clear: I will kick someone’s ass regarding this oil gusher. I will leave a boot there. I’ve been talking to experts and fishermen, not as some sort of collegiate exercise, but to find out whose ass to kick. Never mind that the obvious candidate would have been Elizabeth Birnbaum the head of the Minerals Management Service, and I couldn’t say whether she’d been fired of resigned at my last press conference, so I can hardly say I kicked her ass. We’ll find some other ass to kick. An ass shall be kicked!

Global Climate Change is fucking real! It’s a real Goddamn thing! And if you don’t believe it, well you can go to hell. Goddamn it!

Medvedev’s cool, but Putin’s still an asshole.

Mamoud Akhmadinijad’s a cocksucker, but Kim Jong Il’s an ass-fucker. Make no mistake: I’m not trying to be derogatory to gay people, I’m just trying to swear a lot. When you swear a lot, it gets kind of sexual sounding. It isn’t sexual. Those guys are just assholes.

I’m going to fuck this recession in the ass.

Make no mistake we will not fucking rest until every fucking American looking for fucking job has a fucking job. I know I said “fucking” a lot just now, so let me be clear: when I say every American gets “a fucking job” I don’t mean “a Goddamn job” or “a shitty job” I mean “a fucking job.” Most of these people are going to have to become prostitutes.

Fuck that shit! You can eat my ass, you ass-munching motherfuckers! Hell and Goddamn! Shit! Shitfuck! Fucknuts! Blowjob assfuck fuckface! Cunt! That’s right! The C bomb, motherfuckers! Okay, I’ll admit it. I was distracted just now. What was the question again?

It’s a bold new era in Presidential oration. We should welcome the dropping of artificial politesse, so that our leaders can better connect with the public. To paraphrase an oft coined expression: Ask not what your country can do for you, but rather, why don't you go fuck yourself?

--Dan Kilian

Unbelievable Presi-Factuals

Morblivious: The K Word

1 comment: