Okay Mr. President. You’re getting lots of flack for this whole BP spill. People want results.
Can we get results, Axle? Is there something we haven’t tried?
No! I mean, come on, it’s a gusher at the bottom of the ocean. BP’s gonna keep trying to throw caps on it, until it’s finally drilled a new hole or whatever it is they actually have to do. The problem is, we can’t just stand by impotently.
Isn’t that all there’s left to do?
Yes, yes, that’s true, but it’s got to be impotent RAGE! You’ve got to connect to people! Feel their pain!
But I’m "No Drama Obama!"
Well we need some drama. What can you do?
Ugh. Let’s see. Here’s the speech. I’ll try to connect. Umm humm…Make no mistake! Let me be clear! BP is going to pay for this…awful…oh it’s so awful! Why??! Why!!? For the love of God WHHY? Waaahh! Waaahah!
You know, that might too much drama. What if you did more of that Malia stuff?
Okay…Let me be clear. Make no mistake. Every Day Malia interrupts me shaving, saying “Have you plugged the hole yet, Daddy? Then she’s at the breakfast table. Then at lunch. When I call in from a trip, I dread having the phone handed over to her. It’s like the entire Gulf spill disaster has been personified in a small child, following me around. Haunting me! I hate her!
Yeah, maybe you’ve strung out the kid as far as she’ll go. What about that Hawaiian nature business?
I’m from Hawaii. To us the Ocean is sacred. It is our God. What BP has done here is an attempt to kill my God! Oh Great Sea Turtle! I offer you sacrifice! Arise from the deep! Smite BP for it’s outrage! Come mighty Turtle!
We’ve got enough trouble with people thinking you’re a Muslim. The pagan turtle worshipping thing’s gonna bite us in the ass. Maybe you’re right. People don’t want emoting. They want action. Even if we can’t physically stop the spill, there must be something we can do. Some Presidential action. Some way to rally the people.
I’ve got it. Let’s make no mistake. This spill is more than an environmental disaster. Let me be clear. This is a turning point in our nation’s addiction to oil. I am going to outlaw oil, from now on. Starting tomorrow, our country will begin austerity measures, so that we might live within our means, so that our children might live in a sustainable world.
Jesus no! I said do something, not actually do something! Form another commission or…
Really, our lifestyle is going to have to change if the World’s going to survive.
Mr. President, you’re forgetting what the Secret Council of Presidential Scientists told you, didn’t you.
What did they say?
That we’re…we’re all screwed regardless. The Earth is doomed. I keep putting it out of my head. It’s kind of sad to think about.
I know. But that’s why you want to enjoy yourself.
I do. I try. But it’s hard. Especially with this oil spill.
That’s why we’ve got to get this behind us. Use the pain!