Vote for Whatshisname

Today we go local at KLOG. This is the twenty-four hour period before the primary, wherein a small percent of New Yorkers scramble to form any opinion at all about the people running for whatever positions there are for whatever they do.

“All politics is local,” Tip O’Neil famously said. “Who the hell are these people, and why should I vote for any of them?” is something I said, though I imagine I’m not the first. I can’t answer that question, but a good place to start is the NYC Voter Guide or by calling 866-VOTE-NYC.

Let’s go over the various titles being campaigned for.

Alderman: I could have sworn we had aldermen in New York, but it doesn’t look as though anyone is running for Alderman, so that’s one weird position you don’t have to worry about.

Mayor: Somebody’s going to run against Michael Bloomberg and lose badly. Vote for someone you don’t like.

Public Advocate: The Public Advocate looks around for something to do. He or she is directly in line to replace the Mayor. Makes sense. This position is also considered the Ombudsman, which I always thought was a fancy title for the guy who sells you your weed. It’s New York law that Mark Green run for some public office, and this time it’s public advocate again. He says he was responsible for 311, but I don’t think that’s really true. Vote for someone else, maybe that guy with the goatee.

Comptroller: You might think that when a bartender gives you a buy-back that it’s just an arbitrary gesture to generate good-will and keep you drinking. Actually it’s a complicated and highly regulated system, overseen by the Comptroller. The Comptroller sends out the upside-down shot glasses bartenders use to indicate a free drink is coming, and annually checks those shot glasses for cracks. There’s a pretty lady running for this position, and David Yassky, who seems like a penny pincher.

Borough President: Really, there isn’t an Alderman? At this point even the savviest of us just figure out who our current Borough President is, and assume they must be doing a halfway decent job at whatever it is they do under what are probably tough circumstances.

City Council Member: There are these guys you see handing out flyers in front of the subway. Some of those flyers are menus. Don’t vote for those guys. The other guys are running for city council. Decide which one’s vibe you like, and cross your fingers. Then when you’re in the voting booth, forget who it was you like, and vote at random.

By the way, a lot of these positions pay pretty well. I recommend running for something next time. Join a bunch of groups and “fight” for some things. A drunken argument in a bar about how high the rent is counts as “fighting for lower rent stabilization for New Yorkers.” Get a decent head shot, put together a decent flyer and hang out by the subway. Who knows, you might get lucky. At least vote: Remember, your poorly researched decision controls the fate of New York.

--Dan (Tirelessly Fighting for Working Class Families) Kilian

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