Giving Your Input, Getting Your Kickback

As Congress reconvenes, the battle over health care shall ramp up anew. Only this time, instead of town hall mania and crazed propaganda exchange, the actual decisions and compromises will be made that either cobble together some vestige of health care reform, or send the Obama presidency hurtling into the flames of hell. Concerned citizens will want one last chance to impact the legislature.

So what is the best way to make your opinion known? Screaming and writing letters isn’t the way. Here’s the best way to maximize your individual voice in Washington. Just follow these steps.

Start a business.

Make hundreds of billions of dollars in that business. Make yourself into a corporate colossus.

Donate millions of dollars to both parties. Give slightly more to the party that already favors policies beneficial to your business. Don’t worry; it will all pay off in the long run. Good thing there are only two parties; there really could be a lot more people to buy off.

Play a lot of golf.

It’s easy!

At some point the frustrated agents of change will get wise. They’ll try to draft an amendment to the constitution that money doesn’t really equal speech. They’ll make some crazy argument that if money is the same thing as speech, then only rich people and corporations will have any real volume. You can drown out that argument. They’ll say that the members of Congress are servants of the people and as such anyone holding high office or running for high office should have to follow strict rules about what kind of money they can accept. You’ll control congress, and congress decides what rules to make for itself. There’s the rare populist uprising, but that can usually be baffled with propaganda and distractions. Even if they do bring about a change, it’ll take years, and you’ll have gotten your way and pocketed your winnings for a nice healthy retirement. Anyway, by then you might actually want an effective government, what with the financial crisis from Medicare costs spiraling out of control, and the Revolt of the Uninsured setting houses on fire throughout suburbia. We’re going to need a bigger national guard!

Congratulations, you’ve effectively impacted government! Good for you!

--Dan Kilian

BLAAAHH!!!! Blaah blaaah blaaaaHHH!!!

Rationing the Death Panels