Tuesday, July 21, 2009

When Charm Fails

When charm fails you can always fall back on money. The Supreme Court has ruled that just as money equals speech it also equals charm. There’s a case pending: Gates vs. Happiness, which should settle other ephemeral financial matters.

When charm fails you can try violence. Kill them with cruelty. Beat love into their hearts while you wipe the smiles off their faces. You’ll be greeted with flowers, so why bring a bouquet?

When charm fails there’s always unctuosity. The spell checker tells me I should try punctuality, which is probably better advice.

When charm fails you can always choose clich├ęs. They’re used, but at the end of the day (
an expression that either flogs the dusk or portends the apocalypse – either way, everyone needs to stop saying it) they kill the necessary time spent uselessly talking to others.

When charm fails, there’s always contempt or pity. There is a difference, and contempt often comes closer to charm. Let’s face it, we’d rather be friends with the boor who says “You disgust me!” than the creep who calls you “Poor thing.”

How about flattery? Flattery is like a bribe without money.

Did I mention money? Money money money money money.

--Dan Kilian

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