Tuesday, January 25, 2011

State of the…Let’s Just Skip to the 2012 Election

Klog is pleased to have gotten hold of a draft of tonight’s State of the Union speech. Obama goes into this presidential moment on an upswing, because, well, frankly, the American populace is a bipolar freak, and that’s just the way the pendulum is swinging. Also, a bunch of people got killed the other day, which is always good for public morale.

Heyyy, buddies! Glad you could all make it. The state of our union is…Uh-uh! Not that easy! I’ve got a few things to say first. First off, let me say…51 percent! That’s my approval! In Washington these days, that’s a landslide! Let’s see any of you jackasses make those kind of numbers! Suck on it! If I’d known accepting the Bush tax cuts would make me this popular I’d have come out as a Republican long ago!

Seriously, though, let’s talk more about why I’m so popular. I gave a hell of a speech the other day in Tucson. Still got it. Don’t worry if you missed it; I’ll be doing some excerpts of the high points later on tonight. I’m sure I share your surprise that I wasn’t the one who got shot, since that was clearly the goal of opposition rhetoric for the last two years. Nevertheless, we’re all glad that Congresswoman Giffords is making a speedy recovery. Michelle is sitting next to the gay Latino guy who saved Gabrielle’s life. I think this is an opportunity to propose a compromise on our immigration policy. Let’s stay really racist towards most Latinos, but let’s have a path to citizenship for the portly homosexual immigrants. I call it the Elton John Bill.

It’s really nice to see you all sitting together. It’s important, in the wake of the shooting in Tucson, that we engage in pointless symbolism for at least a week. Act as if not calling the health care bill “job-killing” is somehow spreading comity. We’ll get back to name calling in…what time is it?

I’ll tell you what time it is! It’s time for jobs! Investment! Job creation. Focusing like a laser! Kissing serious corporate ass! It’s morning in America again! I love Ronald Reagan! That’s right, I’m going for a third stimulus. My plan is to pretend we’re investing in this country, while the House pretends to slash everything to the bone. Let’s run parallel imaginary Americas as long as we can, until the inevitable government shut-down. Seriously, nothing’s going to get done for the next two years. India will crush us.

But at least I’m popular! Who are you going to run against me? A Massachusetts Mormon? Psycho Lady One or Psycho Lady Two? Oh, by the way, I look forward to Psycho Lady Two’s response to the response to my speech. Remember, you’ve set the bar pretty high, so make it really crazy! Way to keep the coalition from fracturing for at least the first half of January, Republicans!

Come on, economy! If I can ride the wave just right I’m going all the way to 52 percent! Until then, the state of our union is 51 percent! Suck it, and God bless America!

--Dan Kilian

Last year the tone was different! State of the U-Suck

Because it Rhymes With Bible

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