Animal Automobile Jokes

What kind of car does a lamb drive? A Lamborghini.

What kind of car does a pig drive? A Pigborghini.

What kind of car does a cow drive? A Cowborghini.

What kind of car does a horse drive? A Horseborghini.

What kind of car does a whale drive? A Whaleborghini.

What kind of car does a Krill drive? A Krillborghini.

What kind of car does a narwhal drive? A Narwhalborghini.

What kind of car does an eagle drive? An Eagleborghini.

What kind of car does an octopus drive? An Octopusborghini.

What kind of car does a lobster drive? A Lobsterborghini. *

What kind of car does an amoeba drive? An Amoebaborghini. **

What kind of car does a rhinoceros drive? A Rhinocerosborghini.

What kind of car does an armadillo drive? An Armadilloborghini.

What kind of car does an alpaca drive? An Alpacaborghini.

What kind of car does a tree sloth drive? A  Treeslothborghini.

What kind of car does a tamarin drive? A Tamarinborghini.

What kind of car does a white-faced saki monkey drive? A White-facedsakimonkeyborghini.

What kind of car does a tapir drive? A Tapirborghini.***

What kind of car does a hagfish drive? A Hagfishborghini.

What kind of car does a marmoset drive? An Acura MDX.

What kind of car does a star-nosed mole drive? A Star-nosedmoleborghini.

What kind of car does an axolotl drive? An Axolotlborghini.

What kind of car does a chupacabra drive? A Chupacabraborghini.

* There was great debate as to whether “lobsterborghini” should have been “Lobsterghini” but in the end we decided that would be a cheat.

** Likewise with Amoebarghini.

***We didn’t even consider Tapirghini. At this point we were committed to the formula. Who is we? The Committee.

--Dan Kilian and The Committee.

Zed

Praying For Rain

Big Pieces II (Soup of the Day)

Continuing our conversation about an interesting speech by Karl Paulnack to the Boston Conservatory Freshman Class about the nature of music. I highly recommend you read the speech, as it's pretty deep. The gist is that music is under-rated, as it is a necessary force allowing us to remain human, even in horrible conditions such as 9-11 and The Holocaust. He expect artists, if anyone, to save the world and bring us peace. He talks about how the Greeks saw music as unlocking big pieces in our hearts and souls. This inspired a response from Soup, the drummer for The Ks.

There is a lot here and some of it needs to be challenged. He is correct on how the ancient Greeks saw the inner workings of music, but he misses the point in neglecting Socrates' great caveat when he stated in very clear terms music is the most dangerous force in The Republic. Who could argue with that? War drums, battle hymns, songs of resistance to The Man..all people, all culture, all time.

But how dangerous is music? Let no one ever forget The Beatles were not allowed to play in Israel back in 1965. The leaders in Israel proclaimed that The Beatles were lacking in artistic merit and were a bad influence on the youth there. 1965. This was one full year before The Beatles rebelled against everything. And they were almost killed in Japan and the Philippines, not out of love, but out of political hatred. Who can blame them for never leaving their castles again.

So much for music holding a candle, even a flickering one, in The Republic. The Man wins, always.

I agree that music prevents us from being bored and sick of life. Classical music calms me down, jazz music inspires me, pop music either makes me wish I had never been born, or it's real, real, nice. There is no in between when it comes to pop.

So far as a song that can bring about world peace, I have heard only one in my entire life - Schiller's Ode to Joy, musical score by Beethoven. Number of people on earth who are familiar with this song? Your guess is as good as mine.

p.s. around noon on 9/11/01 a buddy walked into a record store in NYC to pick up a copy of Dylan's new record. The clerk cursed at him and then said: "Don't you know what happened?" He said "yes." And then walked away with Dylan's new record. My friend did not miss a beat. Most everybody else did, including the author of this piece. The Man wins.

p.p.s. now that mp3 technology has destroyed the listening experience for recorded music by compressing all frequencies to the point of feeling crushed by two walls closing in on you, and nobody cares, can musicians be far behind? A world without musicians. Socrates would be elated.

--Dave "Soup" Campbell

Regarding the Events off of Mayburn Key, July 23rd, 1964

The Swarm

Big Pieces (Not a Cure for Cancer)

Here's an interesting speech on music by Karl Paulnack to the Boston Conservatory Freshman Class about the nature of music. He's of the opinion that music isn't just for entertainment. He even sees music as the answer to world peace, somehow. Here's one passage.

One of the first cultures to articulate how music really works were the ancient Greeks. And this is going to fascinate you: the Greeks said that music and astronomy were two sides of the same coin. Astronomy was seen as the study of relationships between observable, permanent, external objects, and music was seen as the study of relationships between invisible, internal, hidden objects. Music has a way of finding the big, invisible moving pieces inside our hearts and souls and helping us figure out the position of things inside us.

It reminds me of a thing I hear from time to time, mostly form hack pop-stars about their singles, about their records: "It's not a cure for cancer."

Which is, I suppose a nice self-deprecating way to keep oneself from getting a big head, but it troubles me when I remember that musicians aren't gene therapists and that the end goal isn't a cure for cancer. It's to make something transcendent. By setting up a false goal to fall short of these pop stars justify their often lame recordings by selling all music short.

I don't know if music can bring about world peace, maybe that's not the goal either, but it is about something big.

Keep Rocking!

--Dan Kilian

The Line

Regarding the Events off of Mayburn Key, July 23rd, 1964

The Hurt Locker

Ah, it's good to be back from dismantling bombs!

You know maybe because it was my first day, but I thought it was kind of easy.

It is! You just pull out the detonator, and you're set. Easy!

The only thing is, you work up a sweat. Where are the showers?

Right over there.

Where should I dump my sneakers?

Use one of those lockers. I've got locker 11.

And I've got 9.

Why don't I try locker...4...

NO! Don't use locker 4!

NO! It's THE HURT LOCKER!

What do you...AAAAGGHH! AAAAAUGGH!! IT HURTS SO MUCH!!! AAAAAGGGHH! UUURRGH!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! OW! EEEEEEERRRGH! AAAAAAAGGGGHHH!! WHO WOULD MAKE SUCH A PAINFUL LOCKER?? AAAAGGGHH!!! AAAWWWW!!! THE PAIN!!! THE HURRRRRRRRT!! AAAAAGGGHH!

We should have told him about the hurt locker.

Maybe we should put up a sign.

AAAAAGGH!! NNNNNOOOOO!!! THE PAAIIINN!! UUURRRRGH!! AAAAARRRRRGH!! AAAAAWWWWW!!! EEEEEEYYYYEEECCH!! AAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!! IT'S REALLY HUUURRRRRRTS!! AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHH!!

--Dan Kilian

Firemen II

It Smelled Like Mint

Live Blogging The Oscars

This year I look at The Oscars from a fresh perspective, that of someone who had something else to do than watch the Oscars. I hosted my OPEN MIK, first night, opening against the Oscars. I still think I get the experience.

Pre-show red carpet: Lots of dresses made out of Styrofoam. Everyone seems uncomfortable but happy.

Doogie Howser is singing some song Billy Chrystal wrote for him. Time to go to the show.

They're watching the Oscars at the bar. Miley Cyrus and that cute girl who was really good in Jennifer's Body are giggly.

They still want me to perform. At least one person wants to open mic. I spell it mic when I'm talking about open microphones as nouns or bullshit verbs in general, and OPEN MIK when I refer to my specific show.

I remember that The Oscars are for the most part boring as shit.

Singing a song, I see most eyes in the house sneaking peaks at the silent television screen. If it were an Avatar montage, I'd understand, but An Education? Why do they put TVs inside bars?

Penelope Cruz is very pretty.

The Academy loves a southern accent.

Looks like Jeff Bridges won. Good for him.

Wrapped up the show. Wasn't so bad! Got paid! All hail The Diving Bell!

Chick from The Hurt Locker won. Good for her!

Now the orchestra is  playing that Moon and New York City song from Arthur. Was  that the last memorable song to win an Academy Award?

Now I'm reading about it in the paper, next morning. I should clarify. I'm reading about the Oscars, to see if I missed anything. For some reason, I see no reporting on my OPEN MIK.

--Dan Kilian

Final Thought on The Oscars

Join In

open miK

I've taken a new entertainment job! I'm hosting an open microphone show Sunday Nights from 8 p.m. on at The Diving Bell in Sunnyside, Queens.

I'm calling it open miK

Also thinking about adding a limited Karaoke element. Come on out!

The Diving Bell
45-15 Queens Blvd
Sunnyside
Call:718-786-6005
www.divingbellnyc.com
Email:thedivingbell@verizon.net

People who learn Ks covers will move to the front of the line.

--Dan Kilian

Terminator: No Salvation

White Wedding

Phelgion

Woke up with a nonsense word in my head. Was it felgion? Phelgion? I think it sounded better than that, but now it's gone. How important was that word? What would it mean? I lay there in bed and made sure I'd remember, spelled it to myself. Made sure I'd hold onto it, then drifted off again.

And now it's gone. Some nonsense word from some unlanguage of my dreams. Was it a gift? Was it the key? Probably just some dream nonsense, unless it wasn't.

Now it isn't.

--Dan Kilian

Return To Last Trip The The Well Part II

My Obama Encounter By Jacob Bartelby, Intern to the Department of Health Bureaucracy Department Building 15