Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Aesopacolypse
A frog met a scorpion by the side of a brook. The scorpion convinced the frog to help it cross the brook despite the frog’s hesitation at having anything to do with a scorpion.“If I sting you, I’ll sink with you!” the scorpion said.
Of course, halfway across, the scorpion did sting the frog, saying, “You knew I was a scorpion when you picked me....Ugh! What’s happening to me?”
The scorpion convulsed with pain. Through his dying eyes, the frog smiled. “I am a deadly toxic Colombian Kokoe Poison Dart Frog. Prepare to die!”
“Oh, my Colombian friend, I have prepared to die for a long time.” Just then, the bloated corpses of a female frog and several dead tadpoles floated by. The frog’s expression turned from a pained smile to an agonized grimace. The scorpion laughed as he twitched. “Yes, I’ve been planning this revenge for years!”
“Why?”
“Your ancestor cruelly drowned my great-grandfather! Now your family dies, and your line dies with it!”
“Yes, but not alone,” croaked the frog.
Just then the air grew bright as giant mushroom clouds filled the sky.
“It was your great-grandfather who stung mine! While your family was plotting its crude revenge, mine was amassing a nuclear stockpile! Now the destruction of your kind is assured!”
“But at the cost of everything!” gasped the scorpion.
“What do I care? I’m dying.“
As the two of them died, a hot wind rushed over the land. Their bodies glowed with radioactive fire, and the water around them boiled.
--Dan Kilian
The First Incidence of That Thing Where You Say Everything The Other Person’s Saying and It’s Really Annoying
I Gave Up Borrowing for Lent -or- Fat Thursday
Monday, March 18, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Conclavenous
The assembled crowd gasped at the color of the smoke. Four times the black plume had indicated that the new Pope had not been chosen. But this time they had expected a pure white cloud and a return to influence of the Eurocentric Roman party inside the Vatican. Instead there was a brief cough of yellow, greasy spume from the chimney. Droplets of residue spattered onto the flagstones of the square.
A crackle and whine sprang from the speaker in a nearby Carbiniero's ear. He tore off his headset and cursed. Around the square police officers in uniform and plain clothes struggled with communications gear that had suddenly gone haywire.
From inside the chapel came a dull booming sound, and then the staccato popping of small arms being fired in controlled bursts. The chapel door opened by a crack, and then just enough for a Swiss Guardsman to push his head into the outside air. "Iscariot protocol!" he shouted, before a clawed hand wrapped around his head, talons gouging his eyes, and pulled him back inside. The door slammed shut.
The 98 people who died in the stampede from the square were the first of millions.
--Steve Kilian
Dear Enormous Sea Creature
Light Bulbs Going Off
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
It is Troll
There is no leader here
The king does not exist
Animal intelligence
They have no politics
It is Troll
Troll
Troll
It is Troll
The thing must be destroyed
With sword and torch and axe
Beat it to the ground
And hack and slash and slash
Kill the Troll
Troll
Troll
Kill the Troll
Now is time to flee
Run and climb and swim
Run and climb and swim
Soon it will regenerate
All its severed limbs
It is Troll
Troll
Troll
It is Troll
Troll
TRRRRRRRRROLLLLL
--Steve Kilian
New Cover Bands
Two Variations On The Same Joke
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