Klog

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Why I Listen to Monster Magnet

Why do I listen to Monster Magnet?

Why does the Sloar root beneath the charred trunks of the stonewood trees after the summer fires? Why do the tusks of the Sloar become hardened by the smoldering ash, and why do the men of the steppes harvest the tusks of the Sloar for their siege engines?

Why do those men celebrate their victories in ancient verse, calling in vain to the daughter moons that braid the Worldrings with their fickle orbits?

And why, in forgotten chambers beneath the polar mountains of those moons, do the waiting godlings slumber in tanks of crystal and titanium, submerged in life-sustaining fluids that chill them to numb immortality?

Why do we wait for the third moon to fall burning into the sea, boiling away the watery veil that obscures the trench-dwellers, casting those atavistic shapes shrieking onto shores unprepared for such unevolved ferocity?

Why do the hill-tribe smiths work the meteoric steels shed in the desert by that fallen moon? What secret works do they wrest from those strange ores?

Why has the great crystal bell in the temple been left un-rung for millennia? And then why do the monks now paint with blood the great suspended ram which will finally strike that fragile bell, releasing from its form the toll that is its own death-knell?

What will wake upon hearing that sound? For how many eons have they rested in primitive beds of stone and ice? Across how many galaxies have they traveled? How many of those galaxies have swallowed themselves in perfect annihilation? How many suns have been flung into the deep wastes, trailing dying worlds peopled with doomed races?

When those sleeping gods rise, and take up the tusk of the Sloar, and shatter the gates of the temple, and crush the monks' skulls, and wield the great mithral hammer to unmake the cryogenic palaces of the fallen astronauts, and sing again in victory, will they ask,

"Why do I listen to Monster Magnet?"

--Steve Kilian

Listening to Sunn O)))

From Space to Destroy

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Obama Health Care Speech Advance Transcript

This Wednesday President Obama hopes to puncture the cloud of misinformation and distrust regarding his plans to reform the national health care program. He’s turned things around before with big speeches, but that was during a presidential campaign. Now he’s got to get legislation from a number of politicians who are eyeing reelection next year. It’s a greatly anticipate speech and we’re pleased to have gotten an advance transcript.

Sergeant at Arms: Any Representatives whose parents do not wish them to see this speech are now excused from this session. Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States!

President Obama: Thank you, Madam Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, good guys and assholes. I’m not going to say who the assholes are by name, as we need to keep pretending to be working together on this health care bill, but let’s just say there are some characters who claim they’re working on a bipartisan plan with us who turn around and say I’m out to kill people’s grandmothers. One Senator I’m particularly pissed at is Senator…Assley-Gray, let’s call him. You might think I’m using Pig-Latin, but I’m really just describing the guy’s pallor.

Speaking of pallor, I notice that “pink” and “red” are the new “black.” I don’t recall Clinton getting all this “socialism” business, so I’ve got to wonder why I’m being called a commie. Let me tell you, we could have gotten a lot more socialist with this health care plan, but we went with the same Frankenstein’s monster private/public hybrid we tried last time, because let’s face it, Democracy’s a farce paid for by big money. Clinton got “there’s got to be a better way.” I get “this guy’s Stalin.”

Well, it’s time to quit “Stalin” on health care. (Pause for laughter.) Now, there’s no way the public option is going to fly, not in today’s hyperventilated atmosphere, but if I totally admit it, then we’ll all be arguing about some other crucial element that needs to be killed. So let’s go with some gimmick like a “trigger” or some other fig-leaf for me to cover my ass with on the left, and that way we can still pass a plan, that might not contain costs, but still make me look good.

The truth is, all these mandates and options and such are just a shell game to cover up what we really need to do, which is lower the cost of Medicare. Everything else is pretty fundable, but with the baby boomers getting old, and old people wanting everything done possible to keep them even remotely alive until way past their due date, well, the whole thing becomes unsustainable. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Old people are selfish and ignorant.

Yes, it’ll be nice to give some poor people Healthcare, but what we’re really doing is kicking the can down the road, because any suggestion of getting savings out of Medicare is called “killing Grandma.” No one seems to care about killing Grandpa, for some reason.

Also, they really don’t care about grandkids. The kids are going to get some crazy amount of debt, and when the dollar finally collapses because the Chinese switch to the Euro, they’re going to have high taxes, inflation, and a bloated Medicare system they’ll have to finally chop down to size. The executives from the insurance companies will be living in a walled city of privilege, so you won’t be able to get that money back. There’ll probably also be some hideous disease plaguing the planet, spread by a wave of refugees from islands destroyed by the rising oceans of a dystopian future, but that’s a different speech.

So in closing, let me reiterate: Old people are selfish, and the young are doomed. Let’s kick the can down the road, pass some rudimentary health care plan so I can take credit. We’ll still be the worst nation in the developed world to get sick in, but at least we won’t be some third world evil joke. That’s the bar, people, let’s get over it.

Oh yeah. God bless you, even the assholes, and God bless the United States of America.

--As transcribed to Dan Kilian

BLAAAHH!!!! Blaah blaaah blaaaaHHH!!!

The C Word

Thursday, September 3, 2009

5%

We're likely off until Tuesday with 5% chance of a post on Friday.

Giving Your Input, Getting Your Kickback

As Congress reconvenes, the battle over health care shall ramp up anew. Only this time, instead of town hall mania and crazed propaganda exchange, the actual decisions and compromises will be made that either cobble together some vestige of health care reform, or send the Obama presidency hurtling into the flames of hell. Concerned citizens will want one last chance to impact the legislature.

So what is the best way to make your opinion known? Screaming and writing letters isn’t the way. Here’s the best way to maximize your individual voice in Washington. Just follow these steps.

Start a business.

Make hundreds of billions of dollars in that business. Make yourself into a corporate colossus.

Donate millions of dollars to both parties. Give slightly more to the party that already favors policies beneficial to your business. Don’t worry; it will all pay off in the long run. Good thing there are only two parties; there really could be a lot more people to buy off.

Play a lot of golf.

It’s easy!

At some point the frustrated agents of change will get wise. They’ll try to draft an amendment to the constitution that money doesn’t really equal speech. They’ll make some crazy argument that if money is the same thing as speech, then only rich people and corporations will have any real volume. You can drown out that argument. They’ll say that the members of Congress are servants of the people and as such anyone holding high office or running for high office should have to follow strict rules about what kind of money they can accept. You’ll control congress, and congress decides what rules to make for itself. There’s the rare populist uprising, but that can usually be baffled with propaganda and distractions. Even if they do bring about a change, it’ll take years, and you’ll have gotten your way and pocketed your winnings for a nice healthy retirement. Anyway, by then you might actually want an effective government, what with the financial crisis from Medicare costs spiraling out of control, and the Revolt of the Uninsured setting houses on fire throughout suburbia. We’re going to need a bigger national guard!

Congratulations, you’ve effectively impacted government! Good for you!

--Dan Kilian

BLAAAHH!!!! Blaah blaaah blaaaaHHH!!!

Rationing the Death Panels