Reverend Marcus thank you for visiting us with your authentic documentary crew. I’m so glad you could visit our daughter. Does she need an exorcism? No Mister Sweetzer, she needs a chiropractor.
What?
Yeah, she’s just twisting her neck funny. It looks a little freaky, but she’s just jutting her neck in an unnatural way. A neck-brace ought to take care of that.
But what about the way she’s all bent over backwards?
Yep. She’s limber.
But she looks all scary.
That make-up? That stopped being scary by Exorcist II. You’re going to need more than Goth eyeliner to get me splashing the holy water.
I think she’s possessed by the devil!
Let me tell you, the devil’s got better production values. You’re not going to scare people when the budget for your chatroulette campaign costs more than the actual movie.
You mean documentary.
Yeah right, documentary.
Well doesn’t the fact that this is “real” make it scarier? I mean, you’ve got a documentary crew and everything.
That stopped being scary the second time people watched Blair Witch. Spooky the first time, the second time it’s just a bunch of actors walking around in the woods pretending to be freaked out.
I still think my kid jutting her neck out all weird and bending over backwards is the work of the devil!
Yeah, well, you’ll probably recoup your budget on the opening weekend, but don’t expect any good word of mouth. Good day Farmer Sweetzer.
Well...believe in Jesus! That’s the idea, right?
No, we don’t even do that anymore. Ever since The Exorcism of Emily Rose we just take the evangelical demographic for granted. Slap “Exorcism” in the title and those bible thumpers will come. Believe in cheap film-making.
It looks like this will be “the last exorcism.”
God I hope so.
--Dan Kilian
Signs We’re In A New Depression
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