Thursday, February 5, 2009

From Space to Destroy

Loadhammer’s third song to be accompanied by video was “From Space to Destroy.” This proved to be a breakout hit for the band as well as the video’s director, Simeon Poulson.

The video begins with a starfield and then pans down to Earth seen from space. A rising guitar slowly builds, high pitched, evoking the sound of some sort of interstellar drive. Cut to a group of warriors in a mix of Neolithic and iron-age garb – animal skins, bone clubs, some swords and battle axes – raising their weapons at a meteor streaking through the sky. The guitar sound reaches a crescendo as the meteor impacts into the Earth with a massive explosion.

Chugging guitars and Loadhammer percussionist Nils Fulgar’s twin bass drum underlie a quick montage of the group of soldiers marching to the impact site. Soon they arrive and begin pounding on a huge stone sphere, their hammers and clubs beating in time to the music. The sphere cracks, issuing forth green light and smoke for a silent moment before the shell explodes outward and reveals singer Baaltrom Urlbach, who is soaking in a bloody yolk material and wearing what appears to be a combination of a spacesuit and armor, although there is no helmet. Covered in mucus he sings,

“I come from the sky
To rid this world of sin
Look me in the eye
Tell me where should I begin?”

This is sung as he pulls an axe-shaped guitar from the slime and strums power chords which shoot beams of light and flame from the neck of the guitar. These turn the soldiers around him into bloody sprays of vaporized gore and meaty gobbets. It should be noted that Urlbach is not the lead guitarist (that role falling to Veer Klongsvaal, formerly of Pirate and Viking Black), so the chords he strikes out are not his own.

No matter, because the soldiers soon mount a counterattack and begin hacking and clubbing Urlbach back into his egg. Impaled and bloody he sings,

“The mirror doesn’t lie
Now you’ve got me crucified
But it’s your fate to die
And still I’m not satisfied.”

Klongsvaal, face partly obscured by a cow-skull helmet (rumors that this was to cover a self-inflicted burn on his forehead have not been substantiated) raises his club over his head and brings it down on Urlbach. Klongsvaal’s face is spattered with blood in a close-up shot. Klongsvaal then lip-synchs Urlbach’s lyrics in a tidy reversal of the Urlbach’s character’s use of Klongsvaal’s guitar sound, singing,

“From space to destroy
Every man, woman, girl, and boy
The message we deploy:
Killing is the only joy.”

At this point it is evident that Klongsvaal has been possessed by the spirit of the Urlbach’s freshly deceased character. His eyes glow with the same green light that came from the egg, and suddenly he is holding the axe-guitar and laying waste to his former comrades over the course of the 84 second guitar solo that makes up the balance of the song. This is visually punctuated by close-up shots of the rest of the band just before they explode. As the flurry of notes fades out the camera pulls back in a crane shot to reveal Klongsvaal standing in the center of a blasted field of bloody headless corpses.

The camera continues to pull back until we again see earth from space, except now there are fine lines of green light making a network around the globe. The standard version of the video fades to black at this point and ends.

A slightly extended version was aired twice: once when the video was premiered and again at 9:00 PM on Halloween of 2007. This second broadcast was apparently in error, as upon the completion of the video the commercial following was truncated on the front end by 7 seconds.

The final seven seconds of the extended version continue the zoom-out from Earth and then cut to the outside of a green 20-sided die (the implication is that the solar system was contained within the die), still zooming out to reveal a group of teenage boys sitting around a table in what appears to be a suburban living room. The boys all bear striking resemblances to the members of Loadhammer, both physically and in terms of trademark bits of costume.

The Urlbach surrogate rolls the die and, reading it, says, “Twenty! Critical hit.” The junior Klongsvaal then pulls a knife from under the table and stabs Urlbach in the throat. Blood sprays all over the papers on the table, and the entire group turns to face the camera. They whisper in unison, “Killing is the only joy.”

Poulson’s award for Best Video of the Year was based on the standard length video.
--Steve Kilian

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

The Ks on Twitter

Now you can Twitter the band.

http://twitter.com/theks

Garfield Minus Garfield


 In a tribute to the site that removes Garfield from his own comic strip, Garfield Minus Garfield, I have made my own version using this drawing of the assassination of President James Abram Garfield, on July 2, 1881.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

A Dream With Sandwiches and Yellowjackets.

Last night I dreamt that me and my guitarist Ray (sometimes other people) were walking home and stopped to play volleyball with a Chinese family. Ray ordered some sandwiches on his cell phone. When they arrived, the father had turned into my landlord, Achilles. He told us the grim truth. We had died and were ghosts, who came every day and ordered sandwiches. He brought us out to the alley, where there were piles of sandwiches, some fresh and some rotting, and other things to clean up. I was cleaning some sort of screened trellis when I noticed these large yellowjackets. They began to swarm, some of them on fire, attacking me, and I woke.

Staten Island Chuck

The following manuscript was found gnawed into the plywood reinforcement of Staten Island Chuck’s cage which was being cleaned subsequent to the groundhog’s City Hall mandated euthanasia on Wednesday.

Day 1: Not bad for a prison. It’s pitch black, but there’s plenty of food and water. I’ve wintered over before, although it’s late in the season to start. But I’m used to holing up for a good long haul. If they think this is punishment they should see a real Wyoming winter.

Day 7: Starting to get a bit boring. Same food, day in day out. Of course I may be off a few hours from sunrise and sunset. No matter. I’ll fatten up and sleep through this.

Day 48: Could I be blind? Nothing to see, so how would I know? When I press on my eyes I can still see swirls and starbursts. Could I be blind?

Day 136: Did we once have fur? It’s gone now, that’s for sure. Just pink naked skin all over. At least I think it’s pink. I’m blind, so I can’t tell. Could I be blind and hairless? Did we once have fur?

Day 243: Teeth falling out. Just canines now. Blind, naked. Plenty of food and water.

Day 244: Smeared feces on wall of the Box.

Day 323: They must have been poisoning the food. How could I have been so stupid? I’ll ration it out, even if I starve. Maybe I can get the toxins below some threshold. Maybe my teeth will grow back.

Day 324: So thirsty.

Day 325: Broke down and drank. Need to increase water ration to sustain this. But I’ve fattened up.

Day 344: So hungry. Skin is slack on my naked body. I think I can see again. There’s a crack of light in one corner of the Box. Regimen is working.

Day 351: Remaining teeth are getting stronger.

Day 364: They moved the Box today. No food or water, not that it matters.

Day 365: They tried to kill me today. Opened the box, dazzling light. One of their hands reached in, holding more poisoned food. I leapt forward, biting for all I was worth, the copper taste of blood so warm and salty in my throat. More hands grabbed me, pulling me out of my Box. My Box, my home. God, I was so weak -- my body changed so much. I could barely recognize my own shadow.







--Steve Kilian

Monday, February 2, 2009

A Letter to My Concerned Fans From Michael Phelps.

Hello fellow swimmers in the pool of life! As always, I thank you for your support and adulation. I realize that some of you were troubled and disappointed by the news stories—including a photo of me smoking a big ol’ bong—which surfaced over the weekend. I would like to apologize to anyone who was dismayed by my partying ways. Anyone who looks to me as an example or an idol, I’m sorry if I let you down; stay healthy. However, as I slowly descend from the pinnacle of my life from Olympic glory to the role of swimming coach, I may experiment on some paths that others might not see the benefit of, but which I must follow regardless, to find my way. And let’s face it, when you can swim to Jamaica in under two hours from any point in the U.S, you’re likely to partake of all that that island has to offer.

I have three points to make about the incident this weekend, and then I’ll say no more.

1. Two wars, economic meltdown, new president, conflicts in the Middle East, ongoing genocide in Darfur. Just saying, there are other news stories. Maybe “Olympic Athlete Likes To Party” doesn’t rise to the level of actual news.

2. Smoking marijuana does NOT enhance your ability to swim. It’s disorienting, and doesn’t help your lung capacity. Also, you get really self conscious in a tiny bathing suit with everybody looking at you and they all just KNOW you’re stoned and you really shouldn’t have said that and the cops are coming.

3. This party was getting a little out of hand, and some of the guys were getting rowdy. I knew I might be called upon to break up a fight or some other such conflagration. Only my powers don’t work when I’m out of the water. I sought out the first vessel of water I could find; I can activate my aquatic super-abilities in just an inch of water. I wasn’t trying to suck smoke OUT of that bong, I was trying to suck MYSELF INSIDE the bong. Once inside, I would shatter the glass dramatically, undulate like a dolphin, perhaps summon my underwater friends (chlorine tablet and pool vacuum) and everyone would calm down or get a face full of writhing belly muscle. In retrospect, I probably should have moved to a sink or a beer or something. Still, in the moment of crisis, I went for the first source of water I could find.

Again, if anyone is disappointed in my behavior, I am really sorry, but remember, there’s always more to the story than meets the eye. Unless it’s a really stupid story that never should have been reported in the first place.

Oh and one more thing: Legalize it.

One love,

Michael Phelps
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--as told to Dan Kilian

Cardinals Lose Super Bowl; Warner Renounces God

TAMPA BAY—After a thrilling match that saw the Phoenix Cardinals come within 120 seconds of an historic victory, the Pittsburgh Steelers locked up their sixth Super Bowl, causing Cardinals quarterback, Kurt Warner—one of the league's most prominent born-again Christians—to renounce his faith in Jesus Christ.

The unexpected move by Warner—who was widely expected to praise God and All His Favor in the event of a Cardinals upset or proclaim, should the Cardinals have lost, that he "felt blessed just to be here today"—took by surprise the teammates already gathered in Warner's famous on-field, post-game prayer circle.

"There is no heaven, no salvation, no [expletive] god!! You're all fools! Fooools!!" screamed a visibly upset Warner, as he stormed through the assembling prayer circle, knocking already praying teammates further to the ground.

In a brief chat with reporters following a game in which Warner threw for 377 yards with three touchdowns and one interception, Warner declared, "God? HA! Today god said [expletive] you to me, and so I say [expletive] you to him. [expletive] him and that [expletive] son of his. I always pointed to the sky after each touchdown pass, and for what?!? This? What a waste of time!"

Warner, who throughout his career credited Jesus for each and every success, did not hesitate to cast aside his Lord and Savior after the stunning last second loss. "The worst part is all the wasted opportunities... there was that hooker just last night, and--like the god-worshipping [expletive] I was even 15 minutes ago, I said, 'No. It's not the way of Jesus.' [expletive] I could have had a three way and now no one'll touch my [penis] with a 10 foot cross."

Across the field, opposing quarterback Ben Rothelisberger gave all credit to Jesus for his victory, claiming, "God is good, man. He was really looking out for the Steelers today and all the Steeler nation and our troops and president Bush [sic]. I could really feel Him turning His back on Kurt Warner today. What a day! USA!"

Warner, who was last seen getting into his H2 with an open bottle of Cutty Sark and a boywhore, could not be reached to respond to these comments made by God's New Favorite Son, Ben Rothelisberger.



--Matt Casper