Presidential Memo: From President Bush to whoever is in charge of Iraq these days

To Whom It May Concern:

I bet this is you, Rummy, but I don’t want to say it outright, for the sake of what is called “Plausible Deniability.”

All right. We’ve got this election in Iraq coming on January 30. The problem, as I see it, is that most of the country is exploding. Exploding countries don’t have the best elections. I remember when I was running against Senator Atheist Tax-a-Lot Flip-Flopper (I’m talking about John Kerry, here. You might recall how that election turned out. I won. With a mandate.), I recall thinking, Well, I hope the country doesn’t explode, because that would be bad.

Bad and exploding is what we’ve got in Iraq these days. Also, there seem to be a lot of executions going on. The good news is that these terrorists are mostly executing Iraqis, and our constituency doesn’t give a rat’s ass for Iraqis. Unborn babies they’re nuts about, but you put a hole in some full-grown Iraqi cop’s head and they change the channels, which helps. The bad news is, it’s hard to go door-to-door campaigning when the other party’s shooting at you.

We’ve got Sunnis asking that we delay the elections (Sounds like they should change their name to “later-is.” Get it?) until after we put out some of the fires in that famous “Triangle of Death” north of Baghdad. (Note to the Iraqi minister of tourism: maybe they should change that name) We’ve got Shiites (I’ve got a great joke about their name too, but save it for later) saying you can’t delay democracy, and the CIA’s saying we’re going to have a civil war either way. Good thing no one listens to them anymore.

So here’s what we’re going to do: Remember when we put Allawi in power? All those liberal media were saying there would be a bloodbath, because a prime minister appointed by a foreign occupier would be somehow illegitimate? What did we do? We appointed him a day early. No one knew what to do. It was a triumph, even if we had to celebrate in an isolated hotel room, in the dark. So what we do is, we hold the Iraqi election early, on January 29.

Now, you’re probably saying, Wait a minute, W, how are people going to vote if they don’t know the election day? Well, how are they supposed to vote on the 30th? The country’s at war. Still, someone’s got to vote, or no one wins, right? That’s what Karl tells me the usual deal is, anyway.

But we’ve overlooked something in Iraq. Everyone’s talking about the Shiites and the Sunnis and the Kurds, whatever they are, but no one’s talking about the largely untapped fundamentalist Christian vote in Iraq.

Now, I know something about this. If we were to send volunteers (Is Estonia still in the coalition of the willing? We could send some of them.) out to the suburbs and the exurbs where they live, and let those people know the election’s going to be early, we get out the vote and presto! A fundamental Christian Democratic Iraq is born! It’s democratic, and religion will be part of the constitution, which the Iraqis want anyway, so everyone will be happy!

Get to it, o whoever’s running Iraq these days. Now I’ve got to figure out how to save Social Security. I’m going to be using what John Snow refers to as a Pyramid System. Good luck to me!


--Dan Kilian

This is being posted as a document reclamation project. Don't worry, George W. Bush is no longer President.

----------------------------------------------- Europe

----------------------------------------------- Bobby Jindal

Dear Diary IV: We're entering a time warp.

So now I'm going to do a document dump. I've got some dated political stuff that I want up on the internet. It's either stuff I had on other now defunct websites, or submitted, waited and then the timeliness passed. I still want to be able to link to these things when I apply for writing gigs, and now I can. You might feel you've gone back in time. Hope you liked the Bush administration!

--Dan Kilian

Kuo-toa, Assimilated:

There was a fishman on the subway last night. He stood there in a little puddle, his suit dripping, gawping a bit as he read his paper. It wasn’t crowded in the train so he had room to spread his newspaper wide. Nonetheless he seemed to be having a little trouble turning the pages with his fins, and I also noticed that the briefcase between his legs was getting all wet.

Emboldened for some reason, perhaps because he was so exotic, I said to him, “You’re dripping on your case.” He moved his paper aside to look down.

*

“Sssshit,” he said, hissing a bit, his gills flaring. He squelched as he took an open seat and put his briefcase next to him. If the car had been full I would have been angry, but it seemed like he was having a rough day. After he had rearranged himself he looked up and saw that I was still there. “Thanksssh,” he said, a bit dismissively, as if I were overstepping some boundary.

My stop came and I got out. To think that once they were the terror of the deep.

--Steve Kilian

-------------------------------------------- Cthulhu

-------------------------------------------- Fake Piranha Repellant

Eye Opening Provisions of the Obama Budget

CEO’s of Banks who receive bailout money won’t be allowed to ride on fancy private jets anymore.

$35 Billion to prop up the ailing private jet industry.

In an attempt to split the conservatives, there’s $15 million funding research on making guns from stem cells.

Not only is the cost for the war in Afghanistan and Iraq now on the books, also factored in are the current and future engagements in Pakistan, Mexico, The Balkans and Greenland.

While most of the costs for the healthcare down payment will fall on the richest 1% of us, half the cost of the next GM bailout will be borne by five guys in Hawaii that Obama never liked.

Bernanke’s beard is to be auctioned to the highest bidder.

Vague optimistic language such as “$250 billion of growth will come from some bubble or something.”

In an effort to achieve “transparency” the first version of the budget was printed on film for overhead projectors.

Not only has the ban on photographing the caskets of dead soldiers returning from the wars been lifted, but this budget expects to generate $20 Billion in revenues from the sale of prints of dead soldier’s caskets on posters, T-shirts and mugs.

The government will buy up all the assets of the numerous insurers who, through a complicated process of risk allocation, indemnified Gene Simmons's surprisingly accident prone and disease ridden tongue.

In a move counter to the prevailing winds of nationalization and big government programs, The FBI’s secret “Crack for The Inner City Program” goes on the books and will be privatized, generating taxable revenues. Also, a new drug, “StraXX” goes on the market with a sleek new delivery system and clear blue liquid base.

To fight the inevitability of global warming, 50 million is being spent attempting to reopen the hole in the ozone layer, so that having less dreadful environmental issues might tone down the overall sense of doom.

Some obvious steps that make total common sense in saving tons of money from Social Security will be vaguely alluded to in 2011, in the hopes that something might be done about them ten years down the road.

$225 million to pay guys to walk around in public and shout into their cell phones, “Buy! Buy! Buy!”

$110 million to pay guys to walk around in public and shout “Buy! Buy! Buy!” into megaphones.

--Dan Kilian

----------------------------------------------------- New Depression

----------------------------------------------------- Hitting Bottom

Flames Vs. Lips

There's really only one way to arrive at a Flaming Lips concert, and that is in a giant plastic ball, rolling over the crowd. Most of us had to do with less, but not Wayne Coyle, the center of the entertainment spectacle known as The Flaming Lips, who rolled into Hammerstein Ballroom in the appropriate way. Flanked by legions of dancing aliens and Santas, The Flips proceeded to fill the ballroom with confetti and balloons. You might not be impressed, but this was an awful lot of confetti, and the balloons were really big. I'm pretty sure some people on the floor suffered a slow death by suffocation, a small price to pay for the larger entertainment.

Quantity was king. There were confetti cannons, confetti tanks, and I believe a few confetti IED's. Of all the devices spewing tiny strips of paper, the best was the handheld confetti bazooka that Coyle would fire off from time to time. The glee the elfish frontman took in his showbiz creation, and the love that he generously applied to his worshiping audience, gave life to this extravaganza.

Haven't mentioned the music, have I? Seems strange with a band that's had about thirty critically acclaimed albums in a row that the stage show would eclipse the music (that the flames eclipse the lips, perhaps), but like I said, there was a ton of confetti. Let's see…the synthesizers didn't really integrate with the rest of the band, but other than that they did play expertly. One highlight was their pristinely beautiful love/death ballad "Do You Realize?" The big highlight was an extended version of "She Don't Use Jelly" which climaxed with a giant balloon exploding with a burst of, yes, confetti!

Showbiz!!

--Dan Kilian

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-------------------------------------------- Punk Rock Neil Diamond

The Ks on The Sunnyside

I think Tom's on at 9:30, Fumes at 10:30 we're on at 11:30.

--Dan Kilian

------------------------------------- K bragging

------------------------------------- The Ks on Twitter

Making It Work (Sometimes): Seven Song Playlist Review

As record reviews go the way of records, I review the playlist in my iPod. “Recent Albums” is the playlist, though it’s got lots of individual downloads and old tunes as well.

MGMT “Kids”

That Oracular Spectacular is both these things. Highly recommended record (So there ARE records anymore. The lies pile up.). I sort of hear this song as The Knife gone disco. Similar synthy processed sound, but while The Knife ices me out, this warms me up. Some sort of nutty crunchy advice marries some cryptic poetry about “a family of trees waiting to be haunted.” Backstory about Andrew Wood of Mother Love Bone, heroin death, but I don’t get any of that.

AC/DC “Sin City”

Got this from the guitarist from The Ks (and best bud for life) Ray The Razor Beyda’s 70’s Mix. “I’m gonna win in Sin City” Bonn Scott gargles, and good for him. I lost. It’s classic AC/DC, without being a classic by AC/DC. I love it, but if I had to trade one song from Back in Black for it, I’d have a problem. It’s got all the stuff, big big opening riff, crunchy chord dinosaur stop progression that’s as indisputable as a tree stump. Truly smoking guitar solo. As usual, fine lyrics, an underappreciated ingredient of this bands formula. “Ladders and snakes/Ladders give, snakes take.” Could be William Blake.

Queen “She Makes Me (Stormtrooper In Stilettos)”

My lovely coworker Mary lent me a huge stack of CDs and one was Queen’s Sheer Heart Attack! A win! This song is really too sweet, all acoustic guitars going major minor major with angel harmonies and reverb mooning “She is my love.” They probably threw on that Stormtroopers business on to edge it up a little bit.

Deerhunter “Weird Era”

I wasn’t knocked out by the first disc from the Microcastle album. Some good songs, some reverbedelia over windchimes. This is from the second disc. It’s a beehive of buzz, what sometimes Klog contributer Matt Casper refers to as a “sonic dump.”

Louis Moreau Gottschalk: “Tendu 4/4 Tarantella”

It’s Lisa Harris playing this brief, tiptoeing teaser by the 19th century New Orleans Romantic LMG. This is from Oxford American 10th Anniversary Music Sampler - Past Masters, a great supplier of surprises and joy.

The White Stripes “Little Cream Soda”

I get pretty jealous of The White Stripes. They keep on cranking out good stuff. Jack Whites got enough weirdness to confound the reverent bluesman that sometimes threatens to take over. We don’t really like Jack: He’s sitting in judgment; I can feel it. Meg makes us forgive him. Her and the songs. Oh well oh well.

The Smiths “I Started Something I Couldn't Finish”

Finally got into The Smiths. All that fraufrau business put me off for years. What is that growl Morrissey laying on us? How can he get away with this affected Broadway delivery? I recently heard some critic dismiss Morrisey as “trying to roll the boulder of camp up the hill of high art.” I think we need to respect our boulder rollers, and I think some confuse “camp” with wit.

The Thermals “An Ear For Baby”

Like Morrissey’s growl Hutch Harris has this Biafraian chuckle in his voice that shouldn’t work yet does. A paranoid concept album (The Body, The Blood, The Machine. Get it. Albums are BACK!) about religious-fascists taking over in 2K6, while appropriate for the Bush Era, should also be a drag. Instead it’s a punk rock guitar blasting party. This song about some rapturous final solution will have you skanking your ass off.

I just realized that's 8! I must not have counted that Deerhunter dump.

--Dan Kilian

The Grammys
Beatles Jeopardy