Live Blogging The Oscars

Eddie Murphy looks terrible.

Oh it’s Billy Crystal! Some jokes about how he’s too old for that hot young demographic that I guess Eddie Murphy captured? Maybe the kids all have sweet memories of The Klumps?

Recycled George Clooney gay shtick, rote “I’m interacting with the movies” business, and the orchestra’s too loud for the song. I guess we can’t blame Billy Crystal for anything. He’s a good sport to do it again at the last minute, and we’re all good sports for watching!

Will Scorsese sweep the consolation prizes?

J-Lo and C-Daz have fun with their asses.

Interviews with actors explaining what it’s like to go to the movies. Inspired to write future blogs titled “What It’s Like To Watch TV” and  “What It’s Like To Sit Down At A Computer.”

Iranian guy: Please don’t bomb my country! We make movies too!

Christopher Plummer does a nice old guy speech.

What, you can have Circe d’Soleil, but no muppets singing? I guess they didn’t want to have to have someone sing that other song. Beyonce just had a baby, after all.

Meryl Streep just seems like a nice person, and the mother of us all.

Moby mocks Angelina’s leg.

France wins! Gooood dog!

That’s it.

To sum up: We’re all good sports.

--Dan Kilian

Live Blogging The Oscars 2010

Live Blogging the Oscars 2009

I Gave Up Borrowing for Lent -or- Fat Thursday

A man came up to Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?"

Jesus replied. "There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, obey the  commandments."

"All Commandments I have kept," the young man said. "What do I still lack?"

Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, why don’t you give up chocolates?"

When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he really, really loved chocolate,  because it is so delicious.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for some people to give up chocolate. It’s just so creamy-good and satisfying. I’ll tell you what, give it up for forty days and I’ll transubstantiate the bunnies of the valley into sweet sweet chocolate.”

After this, there was some discussion as to whether that ‘eye of a needle’ expression was anachronistic, and it was decided by all that they probably had needles and eyes and said things like that.

***

Okay, that might not be how it actually reads in scripture. Lent was one of those things the Catholics made up so they could be more like the Young Man than like Jesus. So if you’re denying yourself something for Lent, might I mention that The Ks have ordained tonight Fat Thursday, and we’re also proposing the concept of Deficit Lenting, which allows you to indulge in the first week of this arbitrary window which chronologically has more to do with harvesting than any actual events in the life of Jesus. You can make up for it after Easter. New Orleans aside, who really wants the big party to happen on a Tuesday? So enjoy the celebrations tonight, and gladly pay four Tuesdays from now for a hamburger, a beer or some chocolate today!

It has come to my attention that some of you are not Catholic. We love you too!

--Dan Kilian

Note: This was the program for The Ks performance at The Lakeside Lounge Thursday, Feb 23 2012.

The Seventh Sword

The Screamin’ Demons

Unplugged...and Seated

It’s fashion week in New York, and that means the forever young Rod Stewart can be frequently sighted in Chelsea, smoking a cigarette, taking a break from trawling for a new wife on the catwalks. What would I say to the five decades in the business superstar if I met him? “Rod, stop smoking, or you’ll get a raspy voice!” I can see him rolling his eyes, heard it a  million times mate, though I probably wouldn’t get a “mate” from The Mod, and even if I did it would be dismissive shtick, though I’d more likely just get the eye-roll and a turn of the back. “Stop recording Rod! You’re ruining the American songbook!” What would it accomplish? Would my dissent drown out the throngs of sycophants telling Mr. Stewart he’s another Tony Bennett? Do I really want to hurt the man’s feelings? What if he’s already stopped, retired and I just don’t know it? It’d be like kicking a dead man, or at least a fairly old one. “You know that story about the stomach pump? I don’t think you blew a soccer team, I bet they just had that stuff in a jar or something, and you drank it on a dare!” No, he’s probably touchy about that whole story, still. Maybe I could just sing him the refrain from “Young Turks.” Would he join me for a duet? Roll his eyes and turn the back again? (What do I mean “again”? I haven’t even seen the guy. All the reports are  secondhand.) Accuse me of desecrating his tune? Was happiness really found in each other’s arms, as expected? Is time really on their side? Was it ever on mine? Does it really matter? All that really matters is being free tonight. Maybe that’s what I’ll tell ol’ Rod.

Be free tonight.

--Dan Kilian

This is from the program from the acoustic show we did at some club the other night.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGHndqRecC4&w=400&h=315]

 Bond Reflects

Hollywood Screenwriter’s Crrrazzzy Dream

Dear Enormous Sea Creature

Dear Enormous Sea Creature:

It has come to my attention that I have been grasped by your tentacles and am even now being drawn toward your snapping beaked mouth.  I would request that you reconsider this course of action, as it is of limited benefit to you and represents a considerable inconvenience for me.

The former can be plainly discerned when the ratio of our body masses is considered:  I am too small a morsel to appreciably contribute toward your daily caloric requirements.  A bull walrus or even a seal would be more worth your while.

As for the second concern – that of my being inconvenienced -- I will admit that this is not really something with which I would expect you to be troubled.  However, I am now in a position to offer you a reward merely to cease this inconvenience.  In this way my concerns become yours, as so often occurs when trade opens between parties in possession of enlightened self-interest.

Of course you might ask, "What does this puny being have to offer me, Klaargaz, Lord of the Deep, Countenance of the Trench, Shaper of Currents, That Which Swims Beyond?"  Well, Klaargaz (if I may be so bold as to use such a familiar term – I feel that our current relationship warrants the attempt, at least), while in fact of small stature, I am a highly-evolved entity from the surface of the planet.  As such I am able to offer to gaze into the unblinking orbs that ring your siphon-anus, and in so doing allow you to blast my sanity and consume my very consciousness.  All I would ask for in return is to be deposited onto a larger portion of the wreckage of my sundered vessel, there to be collected by a passing freighter and conducted to an asylum for unidentified madmen.

I look forward to your timely response.

In good faith,

H_____ L__________

****

Dear Pathetic Human Worm:

Glaaaaahhhh!!!  Graaacccchhhhhhhhhh!!! Slaaaaaaarrrrrrgggghhaaa!!!!

Your God,

K

--Steve Kilian

Hey Hey

Minions of Thor

More New Cover Bands

The ’oo?

The Guess ’oo?

Yourself As Well

Affirmative

ZZZ Middle

The Creedence Clearwater Revival Revival

The If Jimi Hendrix Were Around Today and Not Dead Experience

The Grateful

Metallicish

A Bunch of Guys In Kiss Make-Up, But Playing Belle and Sebastian

Sounds Like Teen Spirit

Sounds Like Teenage Fanclub

Nirvanish

Beatlish

Led Zeppelish

Rish

Styx and Stones

Stingx

Styng

The Pstolicex

New York’s Finest

Captain Beefheart & Tennille

Admiral Porkbrain

We Bought The Name Pink Floyd From David Guilmore

Roger Water’s Latest Album Tour

--Dan Kilian

Jacob Bartelby, Temporary Fileclerk To The Stars

Astral Dumplings and Purple Prose

Light Bulbs Going Off

No, Edison did not invent the light-bulb, and Columbus didn’t really discover America, and Amerigo Vespucci certainly didn’t, but don’t try and argue that Europeans didn’t change the new world, or that carbon filaments didn’t create the modern age.

It was during an expedition to Battle Lake in the Wyoming territory to view the eclipse of the sun that Edison noticed some threads on his bamboo fishing pole. As the sun went dark, a light bulb, the likes the world had never seen, one that could burn for 1200 hours, appeared above Edison’s head. Good thing he’d already gotten the patent for a carbon filament light bulb, using an inferior filament, months prior.

Those months ago are now one hundred years ago today. A century of electric light. Turn up the lights in here baby extra bright I want them all to see this.

Following soon, the phonograph begets the CD Player begets the ipod begets the tape cassette player, and music streams through our lives for free! Never pay a musician again, until he’s begging on a subway platform. The kinetoscope begets cinema which someone will hopefully record with my flip camera.

Surely the record of this day will survive in some medium one hundred years from now, when light bulbs are the size of atoms and as bright as the sun, and music is projected straight into your brain through your eyes. Surely we shall be plucked from the realm of the forgotten by a new generation charmed by our rustic technology and techniques and enamored of our simple rock music.

“Who were these people?” they shall wonder, “What were they like?”:

They shall remix it and reconsider and fill our feeble attempts with wonders and wonder, from every angle and every vantage, with the sole exception that  they can never be in the room.

That will remain for the NEXT generation, the ones with the time machines. That guy in the corner: I think he’s one.

--Dan Kilian

This was the program from The Ks 1/27/2012 show at The Parkside Lounge, which rocked.

Obadassama

Interesting Turn In the Karzai Taliban Peace Talks

New Cover Bands

Let’s Zeppelin

The Doorks

BAAB

AKA C/DC

Expensive Prestidigitation

Black Sabbatical

Ozzy and Harriet

Gary Busey Plays Buddy Holly

Nick Nolte Plays Buddy Holly

The Buddy Hollies

The Elvis Impersonators

Presley McMannis and the Unattractions

12cc

The Comebackaways

JJ and the Shades of Greyhearts

Spring Brucesteen

Not So Sly and A-Bunch-of-Friends Stone

James Beige

Earth Wind Fire and Ken

Crosby Stills and Fire

The Clash of The Titans

The Ramones of The Day

Never Mind Sandra Bullock

The Bees Gees

The Carpenters and Tennille

The Captain and 10cc

  Foreigner Takes a Journey

Journey To The Center of Earth Wind and Fire

Pixies Cover Band

Private Friend

Nice-guys With Gratitude

New Kids Off The Old Block

Kitchen-Sync

More Than Words (A Tribute To The Third Incarnation of Van Halen Featuring That Guy From Extreme)

Lee Roth

Elton’s John

Elton John Lennon Sisters

Leonard Skinnard

--Dan Kilian

The Last Neanderthal

Two MSNBC Producers Lay It Out