Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Abortion$

Deliver Us From Deliverers, For The Sake of the Unborn


By Bishop Ramon Clement


bishop danWe all know that abortion is controversial. As a Pro-Life Catholic Bishop, I urge people to consider the rights of the unborn. Still, I know that people disagree, and that’s a reality of life in a democracy. While the debate rages on about the legalization of infanticide, can’t we as members of a democracy respect the half of America who feel a holocaust is occurring, and not use federal dollars to fund abortions?



Since 1979 something called the Hyde Amendment has prevented Federal dollars from funding abortions. Now with the health care plan being proposed, Federal money would subsidize those who aren’t in poverty, but who need financial help in paying for their mandatory health insurance. Since there’s a free range of Insurance plans in the marketplace, and since many of them offer abortion services, subsidizing the working lower class creates the possibility that someone getting federal money would use it to subsidize their purchase of an abortion. To keep our tax dollars from funding what so many believe to be the mass murder of infants, I don’t think it’s too difficult a fix to do what the Stupak-Pitts amendment did in the recent House vote on Healthcare: deny access to the insurance plans that cover abortion procedures. Also, we need to abolish the Post Office.



The Post Office is a federally funded entity, providing tens of thousands of jobs. It’s just a statistical fact that some of those jobs go to women, and that some of those women will get pregnant and consider having abortions, and we just can’t have tax dollars going to the murder of unborn children.



I guess the Departments of Education, the Highway program, and any agricultural subsidies will have to go too. They’re all just backdoor abortion programs. Guess we have to get rid of the military as well. The brave men and women who defend this land include women who defend this land, draw paychecks, get pregnant and consider abortions. Also, you might not know it, but the Catholic Church is opposed to war as well, just not as much as abortion. I don’t know why, I guess babies are just cuter than full grown men, women and children. Anyway, we’d better cut funding for these wars. They’ll just end and then when the soldiers come home they’ll get pregnant and then, tax dollars for abortions. It’s just not right.



We’ll still have Medicare and Social Security; old people can’t get pregnant. You might think it’s Draconian, but for the sake of Life, the rest of the government has got to go. Too much temptation, too many taxpayer dollars going to people who might make the wrong decisions. Of course, once we’ve purged the Federal Government of potential abortion funding, we ought to dismantle the Capitalist system itself, so no one has the means to snuff out an unborn’s soul. Usury is a sin too, you know. We’ll have to go to some sort of primitive goods-exchange system, but we’ll have to monitor it closely so no one provides an abortion for some animal hides. Perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself; let’s take things one step at a time.



Again, this is a democracy. If we’re going to be able to control who gets access to abortions without actually making it illegal, it’s going to take some sacrifice from everybody.


--Bishop Ramon Clement as transcribed onto gold leaf by Dan Kilian


Afghanistan in 60 Seconds


The Hall of IP

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Imagined Conversation with Ray Parker Jr.

Mr. Parker! Thanks for the songs, man. Sorry about saying “man.” That’s really dorky.  Thanks. You’re a good sport.


Oh I guess I’m like most people. It’s “Ghostbusters” for me. Great movie. Great song. I hope you’re not sick of it. Good! You’re right!


I’m Dan. Pleased to meet you. Pleased to meet you. Pleased to meet you, Rochelle. Great party!


Nice girls. I’m not busting things up? No, right, you probably could. You probably could.


Look, I’m sorry I said “busting” just then. Probably just got that word in my head because…you know…


Right! Right. Cool! Busting makes me feel good too! Fuck yeah! Bustin’!


You know, fuck Huey Lewis. How dare he sue you over that song? Over a riff? One God-damn riff? The song is about busting ghosts. That’s what the song is. Has Huey Lewis ever busted a ghost in his God-damned life? I mean, there’s some old bluesman who played that riff sixty years ago who thinks you both ripped him off, and he ripped off someone who played it a hundred years ago. The key is…Ghostbusters! That’s what the song is! Huey Lewis. I’ll give him a new drug.


No no. I don’t have anything. I was just making a reference to Huey Lewis. Like anyone remembers. No. Not for me. Makes me edgy. Edgy and seriously addicted. You funk guys, you’re unstoppable.


Yeah yeah. I don’t know what we’re gonna do in Afghanistan.


I ain’t afraid of no Al-Queda! It doesn’t really roll off the tongue, does it? You’ll think of something. I think that’s a great idea.


No, no, It’s be…it’d be an honor!


I ain’t afraid of no ghosts!


I ain’t afraid of no ghosts!


I ain’t afraid of no ghosts!


I ain’t afraid of no ghosts!


All right, I’ve got to…okay! Okay!


I ain’t afraid of no ghosts!


I ain’t afraid of no ghosts!


I ain’t afraid of no ghosts!


I ain’t afraid of no ghosts!


I ain’t afraid of no ghosts!


I ain’t afraid of no ghosts!


I ain’t afraid of no ghosts!


Spectacular! SPECTACULAR! Hey, I’m hitting it. I’ll see you.


Busting makes me feel good too.


No, I’ve got to…


I ain’t afraid of no ghosts!


I ain’t afraid of no ghosts!


I ain’t afraid of no ghosts!


I ain’t afraid of no ghosts!


I ain’t afraid of no ghosts!


I ain’t afraid of no ghosts!


I ain’t afraid of no ghosts!


I ain’t afraid of no ghosts!


To be continued…







--Dan Kilian


Healthy To The Max


Awkward Conversation Near the Breakfast Buffet at The U.N.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Dad Dream

I am in the front yard of my parents house and I’m most surprised to see my Dad come home from work, as he’s been dead for almost three years. He’s really my Dad, but he’s being played by a seventies character actor. I thought it might be James Brolin or Warren Oates, but it’s someone else, a lesser known actor. I stop him on the front steps and ask him how he’s doing and he mutters darkly about how they’re treating him at work. I say “Well, you’re home now. Go inside and take off your shoes.”



We have a large feast in our backyard with the whole family and neighbors in attendance. A blond fellow playing some sort of mandolin starts singing a song I immediately recognize to be a ghost dispelling song. It’s a very sweet song, meant to remind the dead that they are gone.



I leap to my feet.



“He’s trying to make Dad go away!” I shout to my brothers.



Dad runs down a hill and the family follows after. They scramble all over the place.



I catch my dad and hold onto him. He’s now my actual Dad, only his eyes have sealed shut and he’s withered and confused. “He’s trying to tell me I’m a ghost!” he shouts.



“That’s because you are. We were most surprised…” I note the arch tone of that “most surprised” phrasing. I also notice my own dramatic turnaround from defense and denial to acceptance. “We were most surprised when you showed up today and…”



I wake.



--Dan Kilian


Why I Listen to Monster Magnet


Skeleton

Friday, November 6, 2009

The Tipsy Parson: November 3 2009

Nancy and I went to The Tipsy Parson last night.  We showed up at about 8:00 with no reservations, and it was packed.  The hostess (whom we recognized as the waitress who served us drinks one Friday afternoon at Little Giant on the Lower East Side, and who reminds me of Catherine Keener) told us that a bunch of people had bailed when faced with an hour and forty-five minute wait, so that we could be seated in about fifteen minutes.  We decided to sit on the bench in the bay window and have a drink while we waited.


Here some problems arose.  The waitress took about seven minutes to get our drink order – but again, they were slammed, and she was very pleasant.  They were out of one of three reds and one of three whites by the glass, but the Syrah that Nancy picked was perfectly serviceable.  I picked a Lighthouse Ale draft beer, and it was fairly characterless.  Since they only have a few beers on tap I felt it was a weird selection to include.  I'm not sure if free drinks while one waits to be seated is a policy (which would be a welcome madness) or oversight, but neither drink showed up on our final tab, so all was ultimately forgiven.


Once seated we were given both the dinner and the bar-snack menu, which was an appreciated broadening of the options.  Eventually we decided to keep it to three courses and skipped the bar snacks (cheeses and cured meats, various interesting-sounding fried items, pickled peppers and the like).  Some chive rolls came around, which were quite good and rich, so they did not need butter, but it would have been a nice gesture to offer something to spread on them.


Nancy chose the parsnip soup as her appetizer while I chose a celeriac salad with apples and watercress.  The salad was light, bright, and well-proportioned (as compared to the mayonnaise-heavy dollop of celeriac that I was served at Craft, for example), but not something that a home-cook couldn't produce with some patient knife-work and a green goddess dressing recipe.  Still, a more than decent salad.


Nancy's soup, on the other hand, was a star.  The smooth parsnip and cream (I assume) puree was topped with strips of fried parsnip, house-made maraschino cherries, a drizzle of sorghum syrup, and a few strips of an innocuous herb (chiffonaded parsley?).  The cherries had a background sourness and the fried parsnip just a bit of bitterness which, along with its crunch, set off the parsnip quite well.  This soup would be a great starter for Thanksgiving dinner.


Meanwhile, the drink I had ordered – an "apple blossom", consisting of apple vodka, apple cider, lemon, and orange blossom water – had yet to arrive.  The waitress explained that there had been a problem with its creation, and that one would be out shortly.  Eventually it arrived, a pale brown liquid on ice with a slice of apple sitting on top.  At first taste it reminded me of sour mix from the gun.  This changed over the course of the drink, so that at the end the drink I was getting not-too-subtle hints of grape Kool-Aid.  Nancy found it revolting at each stage, and though I appreciated the changing character of the drink over time, it would have been better for it to change from good flavor to good flavor, instead of nasty to nastier.  To top it off a second hostess brought me a second one that I hadn't ordered – no doubt the first incarnation that had gone awry.  I summoned my courage and plowed through it in short order.  This second drink also didn't show up on the bill, so it was hard to get too angry.


The main dishes arrived.  Nancy had chosen a strip steak with butter-fried sage and cheese grits while I had the pork hock.  The pork hock was fairly massive, about six inches long, and was lacquered with some sort of syrup and studded with dried fruit – I'd bet cherries and prunes -- and was surrounded with a tart apple sauce.  The meat sloughed off of the bone at first touch, which was nice, and was indeed tender -- what I could taste of it.  The heavy sweetness of the glaze and the fruit left me wanting a little more porkiness to my pork.  Even the tartness of the applesauce faded as it mixed with a pool of brown liquid under the hock (more sorghum?).  Eventually the dish became too cloying and I decided to save the rest for later.


Nancy's strip steak was comparatively simple.  I was a bit surprised by her order since I had cooked strip steak the night before (with caramelized cippollini onions and a red wine-pomegranate syrup, so a different approach altogether), but the list of entrees is fairly short, so there weren't too many other options.  Also it was her birthday, and if the girl wants steak two nights in a row she can go ahead and have steak.  To my chagrin the steak was prepared more expertly than mine had been, and I suspect that they didn't pick up the meat from Western Beef, as the meaty flavor that came through was much better.  The butter-fried sage wasn't overpowering, and the cheese-grits were as one would expect, so the beef remained the center of the dish.  Pretty good.


Early into the entrees we had been told that the side dish of Brussels sprouts with sorghum (again) and pecans that we'd ordered would be coming up shortly.  I was about done when they finally showed up, which was a bit disappointing.  But this being the fifth day that they were open, I was willing to forgive.  But then I tasted some of the tiny sprouts, which ranged in size from a pencil eraser to a standard marble.  The sprouts were scorched on the exterior and raw on the interior, and the pecans were completely subsumed by the sweetness of the syrup.  So I ended up tasting a battle of sweet syrup vs. bitter scorch, and almost nothing in the way of Brussels sprouts.


At this point I said to Nancy that they would lose a star for overly masking the base flavors of their dishes.


When time for dessert came around we opted for the Tipsy Parson, a rum-soaked sponge cake with more of the house-made maraschino cherries, toasted almonds, and a sweet cream sauce on top.  The first few spoonfuls were tasty, but the lack of noticeable rum flavor soon grew troubling, and by the end the sweetness overpowered all.  I don't think the chocolate bread pudding with toasted marshmallows or the pecan pie would have been any less sweet.  And since I'd been fighting an overly-sweet entrĂ©e, an overly sweet side, and two grape Kool-Aids, something less tooth-achingly sugary would have served me better.  Hopefully Nancy's experience was more pleasant, coming off of steak and wine.


When the bill came around and three of our drinks didn't show up my mood was lifted.  Everyone had been pleasant, and the people who had come in just behind us had to wait a good forty five minutes for a seat, so we felt some sense of privilege at having waltzed in and gotten a table so quickly (Nancy felt that Ms. Keener had helped us along).


I'll give it one more shot, perhaps taking a sampling of the bar snacks and reading the fine print on the menu more carefully to avoid a sugar overload.


--Steve Kilian


Top Trek: A Pan Fiction!


Obama Health Care Speech

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Post-Season

 

Afterward, in the locker room, it began to hit them.  Sure, there would be a week or so of indulgence – Jeter with his women, A-Rod with the cocaine, Pettite with his prayer group, and so on – but this would be a transient thing.  At that moment, as they changed out of their champagne-soaked pinstripes and readied for the human pleasures that awaited, they exchanged silent glances of recognition. They were part of something larger than any one individual.

After a few days they would start to trickle back into the clubhouse.  They would resume training, even though it could wait two or three months.  For no reason they'd toss balls around the infield, shag flies, and run sprints.   They would simply want to be together, for something that so few players, so few people on the planet, could share.

All but one.

After stripping down naked, Rivera walked to his door between the showers and the exit.  The team clapped him on his back, one by one calling out their congratulations and thanks.  The door hissed open, letting slip a pool of fog and some bluish light.  Rivera entered the chamber and began hooking up the connections.  The team gathered around as the automatic systems took over, inserting tubes into Rivera's spine and between his buttocks, up his nose and into his armpits.  A fine titanium needle began uploading new routines to his cortex.  In a few moments he would lose consciousness, and the players were bidding him farewell.  Already the sound was fading, so all he could hear was his heartbeat's unchanging rhythm.
Just before he slipped away, Rivera said, "Good season."

And then he was gone.


--Steve Kilian

Sweet Boroughs

Ominouse Orange

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Avatarred and Feathered

This is the fictionalization of the movie Avatar, based on the commercials I keep seeing.



All right crippled guy! I’m Sergeant Marine from the space military! We’re taking over this planet of cats! They’re the cats from that Broadway musical of the 20th century. Awful, I know. Evidently the touring road show made its way into space and now they live on this planet like Indians, totally in harmony with the environment, and we want to kill them all, because we’re totally evil! Gnar! Gnar! Evil military Earthmen! Bet you didn’t see that coming! Also, we’re really gonna do some bad anti-environmental exploitation, because we’re just that evil.



Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. Sigourney Weaver’s going to inject you with some science thing and stick you in a tube or something and that will do some science-y DNA and suddenly you’ll look all fake, just like the cats. Now go! Hail Evil Earth!



Hail Evil Earth Sir!


***



Welcome to Cat planet! Jellicle cats! Jellicle cats! Hi, I’m Rumpleteazer! You are a stranger to these parts!



Oh well, I’m a stand-in.



Welcome to our simple eco-harmonious village! Look out! A giant video-game monster!



Oof! You saved my life!



And now I’m falling in love with you! Midnight! Not a sound from the pavement…



Yeah, that really was the closest thing to a good song from that show.



***



Oh no, the Evil Earthmen are going to destroy you all!



You knew this was going to happen!



Yes, and I don’t blame you for hating me, but I’m going to lead us in a seemingly doomed attack against vastly superior war machines, because only I know their weakness!



What’s their weakness?



Some science-y business no advanced space travelers would ever have. It’s totally stupid! Also, they don’t understand love.



I love you again! Let’s go fight the Evil Earthmen! Midnight…



Okay, that’s enough of that.



***



Gnar! The cat/man betrayed us! Now all these video monsters are going to eat us! I guess that’s what we get for being so evil and environmentally exploitive! Sigourney Weaver, help me!



No, I won’t because even though I probably only have about six lines in this movie, I still cost a lot and have a rider in my contract that says I have to be good. I’m going to live with the cats!



Gnar! Woe to us Evil Earthmen! Woe! Gnar Gnar!



Touch me! It’s so easy to leave me…



Gnar! They’re all singing. It’s just awful! Gnar!



--Dan Kilian


The Putt Putt: World’s Best Mini Golf, Holes 1-9


The Atomic Adventures of Jack Keruac



 

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Referendum Madness!

Today conscientious voters will enter voting booths and elect mayors, comptrollers, councilmen, and judges. They will also make snap decisions on referendums most of them have heard nothing about. Also, they didn’t know there were people running for judge. That doesn’t matter. Because this election isn’t about judges, it’s about judgment. The American people aren’t really electing local officials; they’re holding a referendum on President Barack Obama. Here are the races that matter.


Upstate New York

If a solidly, reliably Republican district goes to a conservative, this will mean that Obama has lost his hold on the country. This race is special because conservatives determined that a really conservative candidate could win a reliably conservative district. Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck managed to drive the Moderate Republican out of the race. Now Lindsey Graham is what you’d call a “Moderate Republican.”

Virginia

Virginia is a state that signaled a geographic sea change (note to editor: Can a sea change be geographic?) when it went for Obama last year. If, as appears likely, the Republican wins the governorship, it will mean that Virginia is once again a Republican stronghold.

New York City

Mayor Bloomberg defied the will of the people of New York, disregarding two referendums barring a mayor from seeking a third term. The people of New York shall punish him by giving him a third term. Bloomberg has spent so much money on this campaign that there is conjecture he may win two simultaneous terms as mayor. If, as appears likely, the Republican wins the mayoralty, it will mean that New York City is once again a Republican stronghold.

New Jersey

Fat guy vs. the Bald Guy vs. the Third Party guy. This one should be interesting. It’s not, but it should be.

There are no other elections that matter today.

--Dan Kilian

The New Town Hall


District 9 District 9 District 9 District 9 District 9